Just after the NBA lockout was underway, Dwayne Wade joked that he was going to go back and work at KFC during the lock out, since he worked there in high school.

The next day, KFC publicly offered Dwayne a drive-through position for a day and offered to donate $250, 000 to charity should he accept.

Here is the letter, full of horrible puns about making buckets and such:

Dear Dwyane Wade,

We couldn’t help but notice your recent tweet about looking for a new line of work in light of the lockout. We’re always looking for folks with precisely your qualifications — initiative, teamwork and the ability to make buckets in a hurry.

We’ve always been proud to call you a former KFC employee and, it goes without saying we’d love to have you back on our team dishing out the World’s Best Chicken, like you dish out assists on the court.

Our offer: Come serve as an honorary captain at a local KFC drive-thru window. And, while we can’t match your most recent salary, we’ll honor your KFC service by making a donation in your name to Colonel’s Scholars, a charity providing young people with much needed college scholarships, if you accept. How’s that for a slam dunk?

So let us know if you’re ready to suit up for our squad (as you’ll remember, we’ve got some pretty cool uniforms). Our original coach, the legendary Colonel Sanders, knew a thing or two about buckets. And who knows, if you make a KFC-team comeback, we might just share some of his secrets with you.

We’ll keep your headset waiting.


John Cywinski
General Manager, KFC U.S.

Apparently, PETA took umbrage with the offer:

Dear Dwyane,

Greetings from PETA. I hope this message finds you well. You can count all of us here among your many fans!

We’re writing today after reading about KFC’s offer to have you serve as an honorary captain at one of its restaurants during the lockout. We’re glad that you kicked KFC’s buckets years ago in favor of a different career, and although we’re sure you’ll not give KFC’s offer a second thought, we thought you would want to know of another good reason to reject any offers that the cruel franchise throws your way. While defenders know that “broken ankles” are a risk with your crossovers on the court, chickens killed for KFC often have their fragile legs broken when they are slammed into metal shackles, among other horrifying abuses.

Chickens destined for KFC’s buckets live their entire lives mired in their own waste and filth, only to be shackled upside down in shackles and have their throats cut while they are still conscious at the slaughterhouse. Several of KFC’s own animal welfare advisors have resigned in frustration, as the chain still refuses to make even basic improvements, including a less cruel slaughter method that would end the worst abuses of chickens killed for the chain. PETA’s Kentucky Fried Cruelty campaign isn’t just for vegetarians — it’s for anyone concerned with the cruelty that flourishes for corporate greed, which is why Reverend Al Sharpton hosted this video exposé and endorsed the campaign.

After learning about this abuse, will you take a stand for chickens by urging KFC to require its suppliers to use a less cruel slaughter method? Thank you for your consideration. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.


Michelle Cho
Senior Manager

Is PETA seriously complaining about the manner in which the chickens are slaughtered instead of the fact that they’re slaughtered at all?  These chickens are raised to be slaughtered.  They are genetically engineered to be food, not live full lives as pet chickens.  Why on Earth does it matter how  they are slaughtered?  No matter the way they’re killed they still end up breaded, fried, and on a value menu.

How can this organization possibly be taken seriously?  According to their website, their campaigns include ending fur and leather use, meat and dairy consumption, fishing, hunting, trapping, factory farming, circuses, and bull fighting, among others.  So if they had their way, we’d all be naked vegetarians.  Never mind the food chain.  It’s okay for a lion to eat a zebra, but if a human eats a cow its a fucking sin.  All (well, most anyway) animals are food for another animal.  Is PETA sending angry letters to the seal that eats the fish, or the hyena that eats the gazelle?  Don’t they know that they should be vegans?

Look, I’m all for the humane treatment of animals, but enough is enough.  Humans are part of the food chain, too.  We eat meat just like we were created to.  Bitching about the manner in which my dinner is killed is absurd and pointless.  The animal is going to die no matter what.

So fuck off, PETA.  You guys make yourselves look dumber with every “campaign” you embark upon and every protest you make.  You have a place, but you’re overstepping your bounds.