I’ve known this for a long time, but finally acknowledged this to myself last night. I’m anti-social. At this holiday party last night, my wife wanted me to “mingle” with her last night. I told her I didn’t want to because I didn’t know anyone there. She always tells me I’ll never meet new people unless I actually go and talk to them.
She’s right, but for some reason it doesn’t bother me. I just loathe being surrounded by people I don’t know. I can’t just sit down with someone I don’t know and have a conversation with them. I’m not good at small talk. I need to talk about something with substance. I need to be comfortable with someone before I can have a conversation with them. I’m very strongly opinionated and need to be sure what I say isn’t going to piss someone off. I’m also somewhat pessimistic and extremely sarcastic and most people don’t know how to take me until they get to know me. In short, if I can’t be myself I choose to be no one. So when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know, I just don’t talk. I’ll speak when spoken to, but that’s the extent of it.
I’m also extremely judgemental. I know this, but can’t seem to do anything about it. Because if this I’ve lost a couple of friends the last couple of years. One was using his Facebook page to bash his ex-girlfriend, which a lot of people do but he was putting her personal information out there while bashing her. I called him out on it. He then told me a real friend would take his side and not his ex-girlfriend’s. I told him I wasn’t taking anyone’s side, but just pointing out how fucking childish he was being. So, I haven’t talked to him in a couple of years. And don’t plan to. If he doesn’t consider me a friend because I call him out when he’s being stupid then I have no use for him. I thought this was something friends do for one another. I guess I was wrong. He may have changed by now, but I just don’t feel like I’m missing anything.
The other friend, I found out, is a pathological liar and cheated on his wife (and the girl he left her for). I can’t stand liars. I found that he would lie to me about inconsequential things. Things he didn’t need to lie to me about. After considerable deliberation, I figured if we were really friends he wouldn’t feel the need to lie to me about anything. Also, I can’t stand cheaters. I also made a comment he perceived to be a slight on his parenting skills. I can see why he thought that, but what I was actually pointing out was that his child was getting left with grandma often while both parents went out drinking or doing other things. Being a part-time dad I couldn’t understand why any parent would give up allotted time with his child to go out with others. When my wife and I just began dating, I never, ever compromised my time with them to be with her. And to her credit, she understood and never pushed the issue. I love that about her. She made the transition into a new family very easy for myself and the twins. Back on topic, the few times I’ve tried to talk to him since he always brings up the fact that I “called him a bad father.” Those words were never uttered by me, and despite that I’ve apologized on at least two occasions that I can think of, but he doesn’t seem interested in being my friend anymore.
So for those reasons, and probably others I haven’t recognized, my best friends are my wife and my two brothers. Everyone else just seems to disappoint me. Maybe I just don’t want to put myself out there or maybe I just don’t need the drama. I’m not sure what it is, but I just don’t feel like I’m missing anything without these personal relationships. I have my family, and, more importantly, I have my children. That’s what matters to me.
Maybe when the kids are older I’ll feel like going out and socializing, but currently I just don’t care to do it.