For the last couple of years, gray hair has been seeping into my dark-brown mane. It’s sprouted above my ears and crept into my beard. When I look at the pile of hair strewn across the floor after I get a haircut it looks like a mountain of salt and pepper.
I used to fret about getting premature gray hairs, but then I realized something. Life was preparing me for the inevitability of being a father of two children who will turn into teenagers at the some freakin’ moment.
Yes, today is that magical day when my twin boys officially turn into young men. They are 13 years old today.
Last year I wrote about the adventure of becoming a father of twins. This year, I thought I’d list some of the funniest moments I’ve experienced as the father of…da twinz.
- The very minute Baby B was yanked from his mother’s abdomen, he peed all over her entrails. It was funny then. Now that we’re divorced, it’s hilarious.
- Baby B was 4 when I told him that he peed all over the inside of his mother’s body, to which he cutely replied, “Nooooooo.”
- When the boys were 5, I bought their mother a mother’s ring for Christmas. I took them with me when I got it and let them help pick it out. I made them promise they couldn’t tell their mom what we had gotten her. When we got home Baby B burst into the living room and tells his mother, “We got you a ring, but we’re not allowed to tell you!” Oy vey…
- When they were six, me and da twinz we sitting on the couch watching football when I noticed that Baby A’s shoes were on the floor. I asked him to pick them up and put them away. He decided to jump off the couch. His foot caught the end of the couch cushion and he consequently did a face-plant into the carpeted floor. I very sarcastically said, “Way to go, genius,” to which he very sincerely replied, “I’m not a genius. If I was a genius I wouldn’t have fallen of the couch.”
- Later on that year I had to keep the boys on a night I didn’t normally keep them so their mom could be present for the birth of her niece. Because it was a day I didn’t normally have them I went in to work at 5 in the morning, meaning I had to wake up my poor seven-year old boys at 4 in the morning. After waking them up I went into the kitchen to get myself some coffee. A couple of minutes later Baby B strolled into the kitchen with his hands in his back pockets. His hands were in front of him. Yes, he had his pants on backwards. When I informed him of this he accused me of lying. When I told him to look down and he finally saw that he did indeed have his pants on backwards he lamely said, “Oh,” and ran back to the bedroom to put them on correctly.
- When the boys were 3, I was working with them on cleaning up their own room, and to a certain extent, we’re still working on this. On one particular day I sent the boys into their room and told them they had to stay in there until all of their toys had been picked up. Soon after it became very quiet, which, if you’re a parent, you know is a harbinger of doom. So I went to check what was up and found one kid asleep on the bedroom floor, but I couldn’t find the other one. Upon further inspection, I found Baby B asleep in the closet. On the floor. Underneath a huge pile of stuffed animals. So I did what any parent would. I took a picture, woke him up, and told him to get back to work.
- When the boys were 6, we were watching a movie in the living room one night when I noticed that Baby B had fallen asleep. I gently woke him up and told him to brush his teeth and head to bed. He said he would and headed toward the bathroom. A minute later I found him asleep on the steps.
- Then, there was the time they tried to text my work phone. No, it’s not a cell phone.
- And the time Baby B thought it was acceptable to wash his hands with lysol wipes.
- There was also the time when they learned what the word gauche means.
- During their first basketball game, Baby A got a rebound after a teammate missed a shot. He then ran to the other end of the the court and shot the ball towards the other team’s goal. Luckily he missed and didn’t score for the other team. The best part was that my brother had brought his video camera and we caught the whole thing on tape.
These are just the things I can think of off the top of my head. There are many more hilarious moments I’ve experienced in raising my boys and I’m looking forward to many, many more.
Happy birthday, boys. I love you!