Drunken Rants: The White Castles Story

[And now for another addition of Drunken Rants, by Beefybooyawn.  When we last left our hero, he had just missed out on an orgy at Hooters.  What will today's adventure bring?] Thanks again to Twindaddy for allowing me to rant on his socially acceptable platform. This blog is like the group of the cool kids hanging out at school on recess, the one where the rest of the kids don't dare intrude but wish they could just to hear all of the Unshittiness™ that goes on there.

During the same time as The Hooters Story I was working at a radio station. It was talk radio, but I was the morning show producer. I pushed buttons for a living, it ruled.

I had to be up at 4 AM every morning so I could be at work and halfway awake at 5. I worked until 1 PM and went home to enjoy the rest of my day. I was just young enough that come 1 o’clock I was wide awake and full of life and didn’t take those puny things called naps.

At that time I was also the manager of a friends jam band. We basically created the title so that I could get into his shows for free to record them for him (as jam bands love to document every live show on CD) and I also always drank for free because I was on the bands tab.

On one particular Friday in the month of February (we’re coming up on the anniversary of this happening) I went to work and did my shift, then went home and worked on a bunch of my personal stuff at home, such my internet radio station and countless websites I built and ran. I spent the rest of my day doing that until later that night I went to a gig with the band. They headlined and closed the venue at 2:30 in the morning. By the time the gig was over I had been up for almost 24 hours.

Now let me back track just a tad. For those of you who don’t know, jam bands have fun at their shows. This means partying like there would be no tomorrow. I can’t say I’m proud of my actions, but these parties usually included drinking a ton of alcohol, which I was a pro at, and doing a lot of drugs, which I was also a pro at.

We partied hard and the band rocked hard and we had a great time. The show was over, we loaded equipment and I jumped into the band leaders car. The band leader was my good friend. He drove us back to his place and on the way I slept. Rather, I passed out.

I awoke once we got back to his place and the band, as per usual, was going to have an after party that would last, no doubt, until about noon. I wasn’t having any of that since at this point I had been up for 24 hours straight except for the nap I took in the back of his car on the way to his place.

I got in my car and drove back to my house. But on the way my tummy told me it was time for some nourishment. The only place open on my way home was the almighty White Castles. At 4 in the morning I pulled into White Castles drive-thru and up to the speaker. I ordered my order, pulled up a cars length and abruptly fell the fuck asleep. Window still down and all. I’m so lucky my foot didn’t come off the brakes while I was asleep or that could’ve lead to something much worse than what happened.

I was awakened by a flashlight in my face. The first words out of my mouth were “what the fuck?!” When the flashlight was moved I could tell it was a cop. He was the cop who stood watch inside that particular White Castles over night to make sure they weren’t robbed or whatever. Needless to say he was also there to make sure nobody fell asleep in the drive-thru, at 4 in the morning, naturally right after the bars closed. So the first thing on his mind to ask was…

“How much have you had to drink?”

I responded the best way I knew how. “I’m asleep, that doesn’t mean I’m drunk. I’m fucking tired. What do YOU do when you’re tired?”

He responded with, “Pull over there and park. I have officers coming to give you a DUI test.”



[Editor’s Note: This just seemed to fit here.]

Let’s be honest here folks, the half hour nap on the way to my friends house and the five minute (I’m guessing) nap in the drive-thru wasn’t nearly enough to sober me up. I was fucked.

I pulled my car over into a parking space and waited patiently for the other officers to show up. Finally two of Mt. Healthy’s finest showed up and spoke with the White Castles officer about what had happened and then they motioned for me to get out of the car.

It’s February, I’m fucked up and it’s literally 11 degrees outside. I have no coat. There is ice and snow all over the ground and the parking lot is nearly empty aside from my car, the police officers car and a couple others, probably employees.

They lead me over to a spot where the snow isn’t so bad and where you could still see some of the parking lot lines painted on the ground. They tell me to walk the line.

Just to fill you in, I’m not scared or nervous at all. I was fucked up, I had steel balls. So I swaggered over to the line and placed one foot in front of the other. What happened?

I nailed it.

It was about this time the cold was getting to me and I began to shiver uncontrollably. I then notice the two officers giving me the test. One was a man, roughly my height, about half my size. The other was a woman, much shorter than me and built very well. I was turned on, she was hot. And in uniform. Nice.

Both of them were ultra nice through the whole thing. I also noticed there was, at 4 in the fucking morning, a ton of people watching this go down all around me, inside the White Castles, driving down the very busy main road, even at that time of morning, and across the street at the gas station. I had an audience.

They made me stand still and had me follow their fingers with my eyes without moving my head. I shivered my way to success with that one too, and at one point apologized for my shaking. They understood.

I had to do the eye test twice actually because of the shaking I was doing. Finally the one officer looked at the hot officer and said “I’m just not seeing it.” She agreed.

They told me I was fine and asked me why I fell asleep in the drive-thru. Once again I told them that I was tired. I explained my day in full detail (minus the drinking and the drugs) and told them I just needed to get to bed. They let me go.

I had just passed my first DUI test with flying colors and I was totally fucked up. I drove home thinking about the experience, laughing about it (not as in haha funny but as in “I PASSED YOUR FUCKING TEST YOU ASSHOLES!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!) and then realized I had learned a very valuable lesson. No, not that I shouldn’t drink and drive, but something much more serious. And I pass it on to you now.

No matter what happens, always ALWAYS leave with the food you ordered. I didn’t that night and I went home hungry. Man, how unlucky was I?!

About Twindaddy (338 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

8 Comments on Drunken Rants: The White Castles Story

  1. Epic. I have some drunk stories, but none as good as the ones you’re posting.


  2. Haha! The ending was the best!


  3. Hialrious post and kick-ass ending!


  4. Man, I wish we still had a White Castle… Great ending!! ~Jen


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