The Cutter (and his iPod) Write a Guest Blog – Hilarity Ensues?

[Editor's Note:  Please welcome, The Cutter.  Normally I would link an about page here, but The Cutter doesn't have one.  Hint to The Cutter....get an about page.  Moving on...  I just recently met The Cutter but to date have found his writing to be intriguing, captivating, and hilarious.  And as you'll see below, he has conversations with inanimate objects.  How cool is that?] Allow me to introduce myself.  I go by many names, but for the purposes of this blog, you may call me The Cutter.  If you feel that's too formal, I suppose that simply Cutter will suffice.  I'll answer to either.

When I volunteered to write a guest post at Stuphblog, I realized that it was crucial to make a strong first impression.  If I wrote something that was uninteresting or boring, everyone would be like, “No thanks, dude,” and I’d likely be shunned from the blogosphere forever.

I knew that I needed to put my best foot forward and write something so amazing that people would be talking about it for minutes.

But I wanted to do more than just make an impression.  I wanted to write something that would adequately sum up the Cutter experience and let everyone know what the Cutter was all about. (Minus any drastic steps like posting my real name, picture, or phone number)

What could I do to make a favorable impression?  My post needed to be epic without seeming like I was trying to make it epic.  Because nothing is lamer than effort.

I was mulling over some ideas when I was interrupted by a familiar voice: “Dude.”

It was my iPod.  We’ve spoken before, and the conversation didn’t go all that well.

My iPod can be a real bastard sometimes

My iPod can be a real bastard sometimes

I didn’t want to respond.  I wasn’t going to respond.  But then I thought that the conversation might somehow inspire me.  So I gave in.  “Yeah, what’s up?”

“I see that you’re trying to come up with a good blog post.”

“Yes, I’m trying to.  Got any good ideas?

“Maybe you could talk about how whiny you are about your music.”

I knew I shouldn’t have started talking to him.  Angry at having my concentration broken, I snapped, “Shouldn’t you be busy playing another Stone Temple Pilots song?”

“See?  You’re never satisfied with the songs I play!”

“Maybe that’s because you can’t take a friggin’ hint.  If I skip past two STP songs, that’s a pretty good indication that you shouldn’t immediately start playing another!”

“Right.  Obviously this was my fault.  I was the one who burned or downloaded all of those STP songs and loaded them onto me.”

I shouldn’t have gotten so defensive, but I couldn’t help it.  “You know the deal with STP.  The wife and I can’t agree on much musically.  So we had to find a bunch of compromise music that we could listen to on long car trips.

“And I really did like STP’s first two albums when they came out.  I’ll still enjoy some of the songs at times, but admittedly it is rare when I’m in an STP mood.”

I like Stone Temple moderation (Image Credit: jeckzuki500)

I like Stone Temple Pilots…in moderation (Image Credit: jeckzuki500)

I didn’t think it was possible for an iPod to sigh, and yet mine managed to do so.

“Have you ever even opened iTunes?” he asked.  “You can create playlists and edit songs, and…Why the hell am I explaining this to you?  If you weren’t such a damn Luddite, you might know how to do all that.”

“I do know how to do all that!  I just don’t have the time, or I forget about it.”

The iPod wasn’t done with his lecture.  “You know, an iPod is like a wife.  You can dump lots of crap on us, but you’d better believe that we’re going to dump it right back on you when you don’t expect it.  And we won’t forget a mistake.  Think I’ve forgotten about that time that you downloaded a song by Paula Abdul?  I haven’t.  And every so often I’ll make sure to remind you about it.”

“But why do you have to be antagonistic?  Sometimes, you play the right song at just the right time, and it’s magical!  Remember when I was driving home the other night, and you played “O.P.P?”  I was pumped!  Why can’t you do that more often?”

Now it was the iPod’s turn to get defensive.  “I’m not a mind reader!  How am I supposed to know which songs you want to hear?  You’re not exactly the easiest person to predict.

“And really, I’m supposed to understand the mind of a man who thinks Ice Ice Baby is one of the greatest songs of all time?”

“It is one of the greatest songs of all time!  Damn, I’m so sick of you.  I should have bought a Zune.”

“I’ll take things that nobody has ever said for $200, Alex.”

“A Jeopardy reference?  Ooh, aren’t we being clever?”

“It’s more clever than talking about a Zune.  How about at least using a product that still exists?  I don’t think even Bill Gates has a Zune anymore.”


I’m sure someone out there owned one, right? (Image credit: Marcus Ross)

I didn’t need to take any more of this crap.  “Guess what, smart guy?  I’m going to listen to some CDs now.  What do you think about that?”

“Sure, go ahead and listen to that CD you burned in 2002 again.  It’s got what, an hour of music on it?  You’ll be back soon enough.”

He was right, but I wasn’t going to give him any satisfaction.  I turned off the iPod and switched the stereo into CD mode.

Unfortunately, that exchange did little to bring me closer to coming up with an idea for a blog.  I guess I’ll just have to think a little bit harder.

If you didn’t like this post, you’ll probably be just as unimpressed by the rest of the stuff at The Cutter Rambles:

The Cutter also likes to review television commercials at The Ad Pundit:  This week, I’m looking at some of the ads from the Super Bowl.

Other posts from The Cutter:

About Twindaddy (338 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

36 Comments on The Cutter (and his iPod) Write a Guest Blog – Hilarity Ensues?

  1. If your ipod is this much of a pretentious dick about your music then what is your iphone like?


  2. You mean it’s not accidental that my iPod keeps playing my embarrassing guilty pleasures songs when other people are within earshot? That little apple shmuck!


    • I’m certain that when Steve Jobs was designing the iPod, one of his top priorities was to make sure that the “random” song choices were as inappropriate for the situation as possible.


  3. Reblogged this on awayfarday.


  4. Give it time. It’ll find you when you’re at your lowest emotional ebb.


  5. Reblogged this on theloneshewolf and commented:
    Pure Awesomesauce.


  6. I talk to my doll all the time. That’s not creepy, right?


  7. I actually loved my Zune!
    But I kept dropping it. Otherwise I’d still have it.
    Feel free to mock me.


  8. Another great guest post, writen very well by the guest author.. Makes me wonder.. where is my ipod? I haven’t seen it for a….. wait, I remember I….. no…. Hum….. where is that damn thing!~J


    • Thanks.

      The iPod might have just gotten bored of your music and wandered off. Not that I’m implying that you have boring musical tastes. Just throwing a theory out there.


      • Ha! That’s funny.. No offense taken! My music is awsome, of course.. If it did wonder off, I wonder why. Maybe it’s feelings are hurt because I’ve been neglecting it so much lately. I mean, it used to be me and ipod every day, snowboarding down a mountain(when I lived in SLC) , cooking in the kitchen(When I was a working Chef) … but now, ipod is hearing crickets. I think that’s what’s going on… 🙂


  9. I think my iPod was the twin of yours. It would play Green Day every few songs. Green Day is OK, but …

    Nice job on the guest post, Cutter.


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  1. Saturday 9: I Don’t Want to Talk About it | The Cutter Rambles
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