Turn the Page

Dearest readers, it is the end of another chapter in my life.  Time to fade to black.  Time to turn the page.

I have spent the last six months trying to repair a broken marriage.  A marriage broken mostly by me.  In that time I have changed as a person.  I’ve recognized many of my faults.  I have tried to address them.  And for the most part I think I have succeeded.

I am far from the angry man I was six months ago.  I have grown a little more patient.  I’m happier with myself.  My mood swings are largely nonexistent, but still occur occasionally.  They are nowhere near as drastic as they were six months ago.

Two weeks ago my wife mentioned to me that she was no longer sure if she wanted our marriage to work.  I was dumbfounded and taken by surprise by this as I thought, even though things weren’t perfect, that we were doing alright.  In an effort to find out what went wrong I looked through her emails to see if something was going on.  Something she wasn’t telling me.  I found that she had emailed some guy she met on POF during our separation.  “Text me,” it said.  At that moment, I decided to move out.

The next day, Valentine’s Day of all days, my wife told me that she was done trying in our marriage.  That was news to me because I honestly couldn’t tell that she was putting forth any effort at all.

I, of course, was crushed.  And angry.  I stopped at the store on my way home from work that night and picked up some alcoholic beverages and proceeded to get drunk.  At some point in my intoxicated state, I looked down and saw the wedding band on my left ring finger.  It taunted me with unfulfilled promises of love and happiness.  I took it off and shoved it in my pocket.  Later on that night, as I was changing in preparation for bed, I reached into that pocket to take the ring out.  It was gone.  I went and looked all over downstairs where I had been playing with Baby C thinking maybe it fell out of my pocket.  I couldn’t find it.  I rooted through the dirty clothes basket.  Not there.  I have still yet to find the ring and have no idea where it could have gone.

It eventually occurred to me that this was perhaps some sort of sign.  Life’s way of telling me that I needed to move on.  I asked a dear friend about signs, and if said friend thought this was a sign that it was really over.  That friend answered, “Absolutely.”

Tomorrow I will be signing a lease on my own townhouse.  I, and my three boys, will be living together again.  I’ve resolved to strengthen my relationship with my children.  Especially the twins, with whom I have given up much time in an attempt to save my broken marriage.  I was still able to see them on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I had to take them back to their mother’s house as they were not welcome to stay with me more than every other weekend.  At the time I made that decision I thought that doing so would be worth saving my marriage.  Now I see that the marriage could not be saved and I just threw time with my boys right out the window.

Strangely, amid the chaos that my life has been the last two weeks, I have been surprisingly stable emotionally.  I don’t know if it’s because of the medication, or maybe I subconsciously saw this coming and was prepared for it, or if it just hasn’t sunk in yet.  Perhaps a combination of the three.  Also, I have abused many ears willing to listen, and have had many other offers to let me vent.  Three people in particular have been extremely supportive.  Those three people know who they are and from the very bottom of my heart, I thank all three of you.  You have been and continue you to be godsends currently and I hope that I can one day repay the favor to you in kind.  Although I truly hope you never find yourself in this kind of situation.

As for me, I’m going to move on and concentrate on making myself happy.  That means getting back to doing things I love.  That means raising my children.  That means reading.  That means writing.  That means spending time with family.  That means doing damn near everything I love that I haven’t been doing the last six months.  I’m going to try to keep a positive outlook on life even though it’s never been in my nature to do so.  I’m going to try to see challenges as opportunities, even though I’ve always scoffed at the notion.  I’m going to be, in the words of one of my favorite bloggers Mikalee Byerman, Me 2.0.  A new version.  A better version. A better me.

In parting, I would just like to say…fuck you, marriage.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Never again.  Just never again.

118 thoughts on “Turn the Page

  1. I’m glad to see the strength it took to write about this. Truly amazing. I’m proud of you and I think you have a lot of love out here in this funny online world with all us weirdo’s. 😉

    Much love to you & your kids


  2. Twindaddy – I don’t even know what to say – it sounds like you’re moving towards a better place in your life. You’re a good person, good things will come – being with your children obviously makes you happy – and that’s beautiful that you can be with them more. If you need an ear, you know my email. Thank you for sharing – you have friends here – and we want to support you as you move towards something new. Courage, my friend – it will all work out as it should.


  3. I want to say I’m sorry that your marriage has ended, but I can say from experience that it is better to be happy alone than unhappy with someone for the sake of trying to keep it working.

    I applaud your strength and admire your dedication to your children and your collective happiness.

    Much love to all of you and may this be the beginning of your happily ever after.


  4. I’m sorry for all that you and your boys have gone through. It sounds though, that happier days on quickly approaching. That you look forward to your place, with your boys, makes this time hopeful and encouraging. Well wishes to you and the next steps in journey.


  5. Damn man, truly sorry to hear it. I was hoping for you that everything was working out. It sucks, but I’m sure you’ll be fine and congrats on getting a place and being with the boys again! That rules! There’s always a light in the darkness.


  6. You’ll always know how hard you tried to make things work. Here’s to a new chapter in your book of life- and if it includes more time with your boys, then that’s a wonderful thing! Your love for your children is obvious to anyone who reads your stuph, and I’m sure your kids know it, too! Best wishes for this new start!


  7. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all this right now, and I second everything Denise said. You are truly a good person, and the clarity and emotional stability you’re experiencing right now as things are extremely tough is setting the stage for a transition in your life. Hugs, my friend.


  8. Wow… so, so sorry to hear all of this!
    You’re a good man, Mr. Daddy- much love and blessings to you & yours for the future!
    *I’ll be nice to you for a few days, it’s the least I can do for you* ;o)


  9. I am so sorry that all of this is happening. It shouldn’t be. But like everyone else has already said, you are a good person, good things are coming your way. And don’t forget that a bunch of complete strangers online are here for you. We love you, in a very non-creepy kinda way


  10. Twindaddy, I know just where you are. 4 years ago, I was in the same boat, ending a 22 year marriage that in reality never should have happened in the first place. This will make you a better, stronger, more introspective and thoughtful person in the end. The fact that you are already a devoted father in spite of all that is swirling around you is a testament to your character.

    During this time of starting over, don’t feel too proud to lean on your friends, cherish time with your little ones, and please don’t forget to laugh. You’ll be amazed at what a charming and delightful badass you will see in the mirror on your what I like to call “The Mary Tyler Moore Day”~ the day when you realize this IS your path and ending your marriage was the right thing for all of you.

    Best of luck to you and tons of love and friendship to you and yours from me. I know I’ve been a spotty and crappy WP friend and fan in recent weeks, but you know where to find me, and I will always give you the support or laughs or whatever you need in my small capacity as your far away friend.



      1. I can’t wait for the day you throw your hopelessly out of style striped beret in the air and sing “I’m gonna make it after alllllllll………” Be sure to post it on the You Tube!

        I very distinctly remember my Mary Tyler Moore day. I even remember what I was wearing. For a time after that, when I felt blue in the morning, I wore that outfit to make me feel better and remind me that yes, I was looking forward to better days.


  11. I’m sorry. Since I’ve only just recently found you I’m not sure if I should make a joke, let you cry on my shoulder, or give you words of inspiration. Ah hell, I’ll just make a joke.

    In my head all I can hear is the bass line for Another One Bites the Dust.


  12. I’m very sorry to hear this. It sounds like there was no chance to save your marriage if she was already e-mailing guys during your separation. At least your efforts to save your marriage led you to recognize your faults and address them to become a better person. And it’s good to hear you will be living with your boys again.


        1. No, being sane sucks. I won’t kill anyone, but I’ll stay crazy and have fun doing it.

          And thanks, Goldy. You may be a little gruff, but you do have a caring heart. Thank you again.


  13. Dear TwinDaddy,

    I’m sorry to hear your news, but not surprised given your devotion to your kids and your recent poetry.

    Take care of your kids and the rest will work itself out. That’s how you can stay true to yourself, and to them.

    You will be strong and when you’re not feeling strong, you have a very positive outlet and folks who love you. Including me.

    Cyber hugs



  14. All I can say is good luck, my friend.
    The next few months are going to be gut-wrenching; try to conduct yourself with dignity and you’ll emerge victorious, I know it.


  15. TD,
    Brother, you could have written this about me 7 years ago. It wasn’t an easy time but today I can say I have never been a happier man. It takes time and experiences to realize what we want and who we are. Your eyes are open brother and every day people like us get closer to getting where we want to be.
    I’ve had a sense about you and the words you have shared have clarified what seemed to be going on. I think of you as a friend and I hope only great things for you today and into the future. Stay focused and strong TD, the outcome is life.
    Love from Seattle,


  16. I’m betting that focusing on making yourself happy will also strengthen your relationship wih your kids (since time with tehm makes you happy.)
    That isn’t going to stop the rough days from coming, but maybe it will make them a little easier, and end them a little sooner.
    Rock on, Twin.


  17. Twindaddy,
    How wonderful that you have your children and time with them to look forward to. Break-ups stink, but great things can come from such a huge shift in one’s life. Door closes, window opens. Enjoy your new digs and please keep writing!


  18. Hooray for positivity. Hooray for turning the page. I may be an eternal optimist (though there are some who would argue I’m a pessimist) but I find that admitting it is time to try something else, time to start over, time to begin something new extremely uplifting. The start of a new adventure… it could very well be just as bumpy as the previous adventure, but for the time being it holds untold joys. It can become anything and everything you want it to be. In that moment, it is perfect.

    Have fun reading, and writing,and spending time with family, and doing everything else you need and want to be doing to be happy.

    Seems like you’ve probably got enough ears ready and willing to listen when you need them, but if you want one more, I’m always available at djmatticus@yahoo.com


  19. Oh what a shitty thing! I think perhaps you feel as you do because this is right? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you’re a strong man. You deserve so much more from life. Unfortunately life is not fair. You have my email. It will be like hands accross theworld! Sending huge virtual hugs. Not all women will treat you badly and hurt you. I promise some of us are good people.


  20. I had a feeling something was going on with you…I sensed something seemed off. That being said, I have no doubt you are doing what is right for you and your children. Believe that calm feeling your experiencing, that’s you’re heart letting you know it’s cool with your decision.
    I recently saw this quote: “Don’t let someone dim your light, simply because it’s shining in their eyes.” In other words Be Yourself and if other people can’t handle it I suggest they get some sunglasses. You are smart, talented and an amazing dad..you’ll be fine. I am proud of you for making this decision.


  21. Dude… I don’t know what to say. Or, I do, but I can’t say it. Anyway, don’t feel bad about trying to work things out and not spending time with your boys. You did the right thing there. You gave it all you had. I don’t know what POF is, but if it’s just an e-mail, maybe it’s nothing.

    Don’t stop changing, though. You were NEVER changing for your wife. You were changing for yourself. Keep that in mind.

    P.S. I have twin boys too.


          1. I have two to four kids, depending on how you look at it. The aforementioned twins are mine biologically. I also have a 12 year old niece who lives with us (Mrs. Hotspur’s niece, actually), and a daughter (stepdaughter since she was 4) who is 21 and married.


  22. Well, clearly you have an excellent support group here. It is the kind words of people how care that help lift us. They can also give you a swift kick i the rear when needed. Sorry to hear about all that has happened, I can really understand difficulties in a marriage and it that goes double with kids involved. On the other hand I commend you for doing what is right for you because if it makes you a better person it will allow you to be a better father.


  23. I’m not going to say sorry because it sounds like this is what is best for both of you. I will say that I hope you get through this as quickly as humanly possible.

    I’m a huge believer in signs. I once dated a guy, and the end of our relationship was long stretch of us trying to hurt each other. It was not healthy in any way shape or form. One night we got into a fight on the phone, and I decided I was done for the one millionth time. An hour later I changed my mind and was going to drive to see him. I got in my car, but it wouldn’t start despite working perfectly earlier in the day. I took it as a universal intervention, and vowed to make the breakup for good. I did. And the car? It started perfectly the next day.

    I think it’s wonderful that you’ve chosen to look forward to the future, and that this new phase will bring you time to work on the things that were on the backburner.

    Also, even if you don’t want to ever get married again, just don’t give up on love. It’s out there.


  24. It sounds like you’re headed to better things with bells on (whatever that phrase means), but if you hit a road bump and need anything, just hit me up. Comment, email, call, send carrier pigeons my way, whatever… I’m here. I’m glad you listened to the sign– the universe is on your side, my friend. 🙂 *hugs*


  25. your positivity is inpiring to me. As a single mum I have realised that trying to fit a relationship into the equasion can be a very exhausting experience. Never again from this corner of the camp also. Friends, family and flings only from here on in! 🙂


  26. Glad you’re moving on with an air of self-confidence and not self-loathing, man. It’s better to bow out than stay trapped in something that isn’t making you happy. It sounds like it’s a good thing, ultimately.


  27. Twindaddy, I would love to join the ranks of those you can lean on during this time. We all love you, we’re all here for you. You have your children, your family, your blogging family…things will get easier, and better. You are a wonderful person and you deserve nothing but the best for you and your family. We will be here for every step of your journey. ❤


  28. Dear TwinDaddy,
    Thank you for sharing this. I wish I’d started following you sooner (or read through some of your older posts, perhaps) so I could have been praying for you before, but rest assured, I am rooting for you and your kids.
    Faith Xxx


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