Help Me Find Me

~ Twindaddy

Months ago when I was still living with my wife and her parents, my mother-in-law asked me if I liked a particular food one night.  For the life of me I can’t remember what it was but I do remember that it’s not a food I’m particularly fond of.  I told her that I would eat it which prompted my wife to exclaim, “That is not my husband.”

Some time later she told me I was a different person than I used to be and that she didn’t know me anymore.  Considering that just a few months prior she had left me because of who I was I thought that was a good thing, but evidently I was wrong.

Since last August, I’ve had my heart and world shattered, depression literally made me sick (as in, couldn’t keep food down and lost 30 lbs), got treated for it, began recognizing and addressing my faults, tried to fix my marriage only to have my heart shattered again (and then turn immediately to stone), and gone through many ups and downs with depression as circumstances change.

Just last week I was flying high.  I was happy.  I was in a generally good mood and not much got me down.  This week I’m miserable.  The glass is half empty.  Everything sucks.  There’s no hope.  Why bother?  Who cares?  Fuck the world.

I wrote a poetic duet with Miss Hasty yesterday and afterwords I received an email.  “You are not this person,” it said.  “Right now I am,” was my response.  But then I got to thinking…who am I?  And then I realized I don’t have the slightest fucking clue.  One minute I’m cheerful and joking the next minute I’m somber and morose.  And the shitty thing is that I have no fucking control over it.  It’s like some fucked up Magic 8-Ball for my moods.  Every time I move a different side of me is unearthed.

Furthermore, I don’t even know how to discover who I am.  There are things I’m certain of.  I’m a good father, but is that part of who I am or is that just something I am?  I know what type of music I like, but is that really part of who I am?  Is my goofy sense of humor part of who I am or a symptom of my depression?  A mechanism to deflect all of the things I don’t want to deal with?  Is my depression who I am or does it just define me?  Do I even want it to define me?  Why am I being defined?

Is who you are defined by how you act?  Your characteristics?  The things you enjoy?  The clothes you wear?  The things you do?  The things you say?  Is it all of those things?  Is it none of those things?  I have no idea.  Or is a person constantly evolving?  Does nobody stay the same?  I’m not the same person I was a year ago.  Hell, I’m not even the same person I was three months ago.

Someone help me find me.  Help me find who I am.  Help me discover myself.  Help me know me.  Help me find out just who I am, because I’m clueless  If the people that know me best don’t even recognize me what does that mean?

 

 

Published by Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

209 thoughts on “Help Me Find Me”

  2. The road to self discovery is littered with potholes. Some of which are filled with unimaginably yucky stuph™. However, the fact that you were able to put it into words so well is more than fabulous. You go, boy!

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  3. I would LOVE to help you find you. But I’m still trying to find me.
    I think though, that I know who I am and the problem is that what I know I am isn’t who everyone else wants me to be (*cough* my mother *cough*) so I suppress who I am. But I’m working on not doing that anymore because I’ve found bits and pieces of me around and the me is actually pretty cool.
    🙂

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  5. If only I could answer any of those questions. You are who you are – that always changes; it remains the same. You are not just one thing – but many facets – however, the up and down roller coaster is a huge amount of emotions to deal with. I’d say give yourself up to finding a counselor to talk to – sometimes an anonymous person that is there to just listen whilst you unload everything is a ginormous help in and of itself. You need to find some peace right now more than anything – then you can start to look for yourself – but you won’t find it easily with so much turmoil in your mind right now. Be well, my friend.

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  7. I’ll reiterate the comment you cited here: “This is not you.” This is the wrong chemicals in your brain telling you this, or something, and you’re trying too hard. I’m a Tanker, not a doctor, but you have my email if you need help.

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    1. I’m medicated right now, but even still in the last couple weeks it’s been tough. As I said in another comment, someone is helping me find a counselor.

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  8. This is a question I have been wondering about since I was a teenager, during the 60s when everyone was trying to “find themselves.” I never really understood what that meant.

    You are a man who goes through life trying to do things right, occasionally not quite reaching that bar. And then, it seems to me, you try harder to do so. Being a good father, friend, sibling, son — those are all clearly part of you.

    The rest? whatever.

    But you know if you worry about these other things, you will end up on illegal drugs. Isn’t that what happened in the 60s?

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  9. Twindaddy,
    That’s one path that is yours to take, but one that we can walk with you, and help you along the way…

    I have no answers for you, and even if I did, who you are today will not be who you are tomorrow. In any case, I’m wishing you peace of mind, friend. And a safe walk to recovery…
    Le Clown

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  11. You’re the guy who keeps his children in the front of his mind every day.
    You’re also the guy who shows up online to laugh and cry and support his online friends.

    You’re also the guy who (despite not knowing who he is) knows enough to not let his pain devour him, but to seek help.
    You’re also the guy all these people are willing to stand by while he goes through this.

    We all have faith in you to keep pushing until you find a solution to what BR probably accurately described as a chemical imbalance, or through the therapist you’re going to see.
    And if there’s anything at all I can do for you, let me know.

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  12. Wow. You’ve really been through the wringer. ((( hugs ))) I struggle with depression too and know it can be really, really rough. I wish I could help with your definition questions but I think ultimately that’s the kind of thing each one of us has to answer individually. I will say this, though: when I’m depressed I focus on the basics rather the big, existential stuff. Exercising, sleeping, eating, self care, and all the other shit I know I have to do even if I don’t want to. The more I take care of myself the easier the depression is to manage and the more I can focus on the bigger things. Hang in there!

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    1. Sounds easy enough, but finding the motivation to do any of it is a task in itself. It’s good advice, though. It’s something to shoot for, anyhow. Thank you for your comment.

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  14. I wish I could help dude, really. The best I can do is say that from experience, one good way to find yourself is to be alone. I have had some dark times in my past and it was brutal, but I got to learn about what makes me tick. All those hours with no friends and no women to keep me company I had to think about what got me going, what made me feel happy and what I needed in life. I know another person who this did not work for. Their solution was to pick up and move, not forever, but for a while. They just needed time to be in a new place with new people. They had lived around here and constantly got defined by stereotypes and other friends and family. A new start helped him discover who he was.

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    1. Neither of those is really an option for me. Time alone with children is virtually nonexistent. Picking up and leaving can only happen if I totally give me children up, which I will not do. I love them too much and, frankly, they are probably the only thing keeping me sane right now.

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      1. yeah, that’s tough. If I were in your situation I would never give up my children either. I wish I had more for you, have you ever thought about going back to school? Nothing major, just a little here or there, just to change things up. I know that one is tough too, with cost and time, I did mine online and it changed my life for the better.
        I can always repeatedly poke you with a sharp stick and see if that helps. Not sure how that would actually help but it is something I am willing to do.

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  15. You are only ever the sum of your experiences. don’t try to hard to define (or keep from defining) yourself.

    have you heard of the book “The Secret”? in case you haven’t, i suggest you give it a read. although several people say it’s hogwash, it worked for me =)

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          1. it did, actually, given that i thought stuff like this was just a moneymaking scam where people sold you obvious stuff.

            hey, it’s worth a shot, right? essentially, all it means is that we get what we think about. for example, if i say “i hope it won’t rain today”, then what i’m thinking about is RAIN. but if i say “i wish the sun would shine today,” what i’m focusing on instead is the sun. it’s probably just a well-worded way of saying that if you think happy thoughts, you tend to be happier, thus making you happier; but hey, whatever works, right?

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  16. Thinking good thoughts for you TD. A counselor will really help by asking you the right questions and helping you discover yourself.

    Like Eric said, it’s a path you ultimately must walk on your own. And just like everything in the universe, you are a being in constant motion–ever-evolving and changing. That is life. The fact that you care and are now asking the questions, means you are embarking on that path to discovery. The first step is scary, but truly TD, it really is about the journey, not the destination, while we’re here.

    In my codependency, I lost myself in others and allowed them to define me. It was a safety mechanism so that I wouldn’t have to look at myself. It’s been scary, but oh so liberating, to get to know myself and live for me.

    Did you ever see that movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts? Toward the end, she gets asked, “how do you like your eggs?” And she didn’t know. It had always depended on who she was with at the time–she “liked” eggs however the other person did. So you know what she did to find out? She went and ate eggs every single damn way she could so she could find out how *she* liked her eggs.

    You find yourself by looking around and seeing what you like and don’t, at what matters and doesn’t, no one else can define you or find you for you.

    “Just Wait” and “Look Around” by Blues Traveler… Both good songs.

    Just wait, it will come.

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    1. I hope you’re right. I don’t have a problem with little things like eggs, but I’ve been in a relationship and a parent for the last 16 years. I don’t know what to do with myself right now, I guess.

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      1. And see, ah… *that’s* your “how do you like your eggs?” question. You’ll get there my dear. You’re always so supportive of others, I’m glad you have opened up to let others support you.

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        1. I try to be. I know it can be tough and after hitting rock bottom I feel like it’s only right to try to help people turn around before they find their bottom.

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  17. I am the same. One minute I am happy, accepting of my life, my world, my natural Eeyore like depression..I hide behind my humor..it is a safe bubble, a wall I put up..All I know is that depression can warp a person..turn them into someone who wishes they would just die already, what is the fucking point, after all? But for me..I live for making others smile, laugh, possibly piss themselves from something that I say or do..it is my saving grace…We hold on as tight as we can, take our pills, and surround ourselves with kindred spirits.

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  18. Hi Twindaddy,
    Sorry you’re in such a bad way, but given what you’ve been through, it’s not surprising, so cut yourself some slack for that right away.
    All the questions of Who Am I ? seem like long long questions we all ask ourselves over and over again as we move through life, so if I were you, I wouldn’t worry about answering them with too much urgency – maybe just allow them to rattle around in the background?
    But I will put in a vote for what Larks is suggesting – just taking care of yourself, in the most fundamental ways. Doing little things for yourself that give you even a tiny amount of pleasure. Just connecting with any scrap of the love of life or even the accomplishment of making yourself toast in the morning and keeping the feet moving one in front of the other…
    Best wishes to you,
    Katalina

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  19. I’m very much like you. I like to have fun and make people laugh, but I just haven’t had it in me the last couple weeks. I hate feeling like this.

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  21. I just wanted to say – everybody (well I hope) has good days, sometimes we have great days, and more often than not, we have really shitty days. It happens! The trick I’ve learnt is to recognize the day as a shitty day and leave it at that, don’t allow it to define who you are, or determine your attitude for that time. Most of the time you have to make a conscious effort not to let those days affect you and cause you to question yourself. Because everybody has those days!

    As for who you are, only quiet time and self-reflection can show you who you are. What you like or don’t like, what you wear, what you do, that’s all a part of you yes, but to find out who you are you have to spend some serious time with yourself. Listen to your heart, your mind, encourage the things you like about yourself, change the things you don’t, learn and try new things, just take some alone time to rediscover yourself. And at the end of the day, the only person’s opinion you should consider is your own. Do you like you? Do you do what you want to do? Or do you constantly think of what others think about you? Yeah we all consider other peoples opinions, but you are the only one who has to live with You.

    Finally, I just want to send you some positive energy and love and respect, and I hope you find yourself sooner than you thought possible. Nuff love!!!

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  22. This is tough, TD. I struggle with the same thing. Encouragement, comments and discussion with people like you give me hope. For me, going slow, doing only things I want to do, and letting my friends know now is the time to help me, do with me what I want to do has helped. Creativity has helped. Writing, poetry, art. Doing things I used to do that I like doing helps. Not doing things I don’t like to do helps. I just feel. I express every emotion and live it, until I can gain control of it back, if I ever do. But, basically, TD, to find you, do only things you want to do. Do the things you liked to do as the old you and do things you want to do, something new. Keep doing it until you feel comfortable, that’s when you will discover who you are. But, no rush. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. And we all change and evolve over time. You’ll likely be several more people in your lifetime. Peace. XOXO

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  23. I think we all ask ourselves “who am I,” and unfortunately, it’s a complicated question to answer. I know that when I am down and hurting and overwhelmed with complications that are outside my control, that is the absolute wrong time for me to get caught up in the existential “who am I?” conversation. It’s easier for me to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other, and doing what comes next on a day to day basis. Then, when I feel better, the answers to the tough questions come easier. Wishing you brighter days ahead.

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  24. TD, when you wake up each day and feel what you feel about yourself, is who you are for that day. You will wake today, not feeling and being, who you were yesterday. Depression is a ever ending, never easy thing to get used to living with. I take my life, day by day. I don’t worry about defining who I am for the long term. Embrace the change of this roller coaster. Hold onto what you know, and let that guide you each day. The rest, as you walk your path, will fall into place, when the time is right.

    Gone
    Into a realm of the unknown
    Drowning in quicksand
    Unable to grasp hold
    Pain cannot withstand
    Brave I am
    Learning to let go
    Of the fears that hold
    Standing tall
    Walking back into
    The unknown
    Brave
    Yes I am

    May you find your peace my friend. I am here for you if need someone to talk to.
    Amber.
    ((hugs))

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  26. I’m sorry you’re confused. When I was first discovering who I was after a lifetime of abuse and neglect it was scary. Meditation really helped me figure out who I am at the deepest level. It stripped away the superficial stuff and got me to zero in on how I was feeling. The more in touch I got with my feelings the better able I was to identify personal values. Essentially I had to connect with my feelings and strip the defenses away. I don’t suggest this unless you have a therapist you trust to help you as you go, otherwise you might end up worse!

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      1. Learning to meditate is probably the hardest part but if you can find someone to show you how it works better. There are books and videos available. YouTube has lots of instructional videos on meditation. I went to my local Buddhist centre and had instruction when in hospital too. Mindfulness meditation is the specific type I learned.

        Thank you. I don’t know if I would say I am 100% recovered but definitely much closer than ever. I hope I didn’t sound like I was making it seem easy! It most certainly was not easy. But it is possible and you don’t have to be a Buddhist! LOL

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  27. Dude, I can so relate to this. You actually asks some very good questions in your post and I think this post is the start of dive deep down into your personality.

    I think you got the ball to roll and right now, there’s no stopping it anymore.

    You will have your revelations. You’ll probably need about 1000 to feel like it madea difference, but there’s no stopping it.

    I suggest you go through the motions. Be every version of yourself and slowly (it took me 3 years) you’ll circle in on YOU (which will probably contain a bit of all the versions you were)

    Good luck, and if you want to talk, you know where to reach me.

    And, btw, I noticed you were super serious yesterday. Didn’t wanna butt in your business, but I did notice a difference.

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    1. Gawd I hope it doesn’t take three years of feeling like this to get where I’m going….

      Thank you, as always, for your comments. I’m glad you’re where you need to be. It gives me a glimmer of hope.

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      1. Look, man, I don’t know what kind of a struggle you’ve had that threw you into your depression. For me, the aftershock lasted three years. Of which, I must admit, the first year only was a really confusing hell for me. The two years after that were basically piecing the puzzle together, in a reasonable calm manner.

        Again, please, if you have questions, e-mail me.

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  28. Ugh. I’ve been there. My advice is to forget about trying to be who you are and just be. Humans are incredibly complex creatures. You are both the sad and somber, and the jovial and joking guy, and that’s awesome.

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          1. Yeah, the downs are not much fun. But they’re all a part of you. I think the downs really get us because they feel less like a choice than the ups.

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  29. I do a thing over at my blog that I call “Daily Daydreams” – I post little quotes & things to uplift but most of the time they are just my own thoughts.
    Anyway, one day I said
    “We’re all unfinished works” implying that we are all an unfinished painting, an unfinished poem or book. It really resonated with a few people.

    This would be my response to you. Having gone through a lot of what you’re struggling with – that’s my best advice. Take one day at a time & judt accept your flaws & weaknesses (along with your strengths & admirable traits) as part of you. The rest will come to you when you’re ready.

    & You’re depression is a part of you, but it never, EVER has to define you. 😉
    Keep writing, it’s therapeutic. You’re on the right track. & Just like I told so many of you lovely souls on here – you have an ear, should you need one. 😀

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  30. I’m sorry you’re having a shitty week. I think we are constantly evolving. Some people grow together and some grow apart. We learn from experiences every day and they will always change the people we are because life affects us, whether we want it to or not. Unfortunately it will always affect some people in a negative way, but the rest of us learn and move forward. Hugs to you.

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  31. stuph…I havent read through all of the comments yet so this may have been said but it wont stop me from saying it to because its worth repeating especially in the face of so much obvious angst and hurt. What I have found in dealing with my own lot in life is that I dont seem to be the same person moment to moment dependent upon what is happening. And thank goodness I am not the same person I was even a year ago. It seems that if I were to look at the person I have evolved into over the long term she doesnt necessarily resemble the person she started out as. How could she? Circumstances and maturity change everything. BUt if I look at the person I am from moment to moment who may not appear to anyone to be someone they recognize she has some line of either behavior or some sort of attribute that is common to only her over the short term. I guess what I am saying is you like all of us are a work in progress that is shaped and molded by circumstance. But in the realm of things appearances are merely feelings of others or even ourselves and feelings while they are important are not necessarily always the truth. I dont know if I make any sense but I do know that it sounds like youve been through a great deal and while its uncomfortable to do so giving yourself time to evolve and heal may be necessary.
    Best to you ! and I think you were at my site saying keep up the fight! Back at ya!

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  33. Well look at all this stuff that happens while I’m sleeping! TD I know how you feel. I have no idea who or what I am anymore. And I’m not sure how to answer your questions because I don’t know myself. I know a few things about you though…you are a good friend, you are a good dad, you have a big warm heart and you are accepting of others. Does that define you? Not really. Those are only characteristics, and after all we are more than the sum of our parts. Whoever you are you are fucking awesome and you are my friend. Take that with you on your search. Xxx

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  34. I’ve just lately been (I hope) coming out of a tough period with some pretty severe depression. In some ways the weird “pinball up & down” stuff is hardest because it’s like your brain can’t find a level, and it really does feel like your identity has shattered – there’s nothing constant. Sorry to hear you’re going through it.

    Not to get new-agey/old-agey on you, but I remember someone talking about cellular regeneration, and how we’re literally a completely new person every 6 months or so. Added to that the Confucian idea that “Act as you wish to be, and you will become that” and I suppose the question becomes, “Who do you want to be?” And then maybe you fake it for a while, while the right stuff sticks, and the wrong stuff sloughs off.

    Just a thought.

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    1. That’s in interesting idea, although I’ve never been good at faking anything. I suppose I could always learn but I guess that would require me to figure out who I want to be first.

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  35. It’s so cliche but so true: time will make this all better. The break up of my first marriage felt like the world was ending. It didn’t; life goes on, better than before.

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  36. I can’t tell you who you are, but I can tell you some of what I see. You’re kind, compassionate, helpful, talented writer and a good friend. I know depression is screaming but keep fighting.

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  41. If only it were that simple, right? If you could just flip through a catalog and find “who you want to be” and pick that one to run with. “Oh… that snarky stormtrooper looks exciting, yeah and his split personality with BLC, yeah, I can dig that, I’m going to call and order that up right now…”
    :-/
    I know what you are feeling, as I after splitting with my ex, after having spent every day of my life with her for four years, I had no idea who I was either. I had no friends. I had no social activities. I had no idea what I liked to do, what I wanted for the future, “who I was.” It took some time, and some soul searching, and just getting out there and trying things, new things and things I remembered doing before the ex, and eventually I figured it out. For me it came down to two simple things: family and camping – as long as I had those things in my life I knew I would be happy.
    I hope it doesn’t take you long to figure out what you need to be happy, to figure out who are you are now.

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  42. Pingback: Awards: Why Do You Do This To Me? | Fish Of Gold

  43. Ummmm… it sounds to me like you are suffering from a bad case of being alive. There are two kinds of people. The ones who pretend they have all the answers, and the ones who are depressed because they know they don’t. The ones who have loved and been crushed and the ones who have never truely been in love. Okay, maybe that is four kinds of people. If you think you know who you are, you are either wrong or simple. Just sayin’. We are all someone new everyday. Or else we are just stuck being who we used to be.

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  45. What you’re going through sucks. The positive part is that you are able to write about it. Keep writing! Talking about it is also helpful. I scanned through the comments, but didn’t read them thoroughly. I saw counseling, exercise and medication mentioned – all helpful. Meditation is great too – more helpful to find a group than to try and do it alone when you’re feeling depressed and unmotivated. Wishing you strength and wisdom on your journey.

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  47. Very touching post, and honest and brave. Sounds like that’s who you are. My divorce was one of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through, and it’s been almost 20 years ago. However, it was also one of the best things for me as it forced me to figure out your same question for myself. I’m grateful for it now, because it showed me how strong I really am. Hoping you reach that point soon…

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  48. I felt the same way when I got divorced six years ago. I was a single dad with two kids at the age of 40. I lost weight, rode the daily emotional roller coaster for a while and, like a real roller coaster ride, often felt like I wanted to throw up. We had been together since high school, so I did a lot of soul searching as to who I was now and what I wanted in life. The first, like you, was to be a good father. That helped me realize that who we are has less to do with things we like or don’t like, or how others see us, but is really about the things we DO that define us. You’re a good father and a terrific writer. A lot of people would love to be just ONE of those things. Start there, my friend. Your writing and fatherhood define you. Feel good about that and let it define you. You’ll find the rest of yourself along the way.

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  49. When you get hung up on needing to know, you get paralyzed. Human beings, human souls, are not static, they are constantly learning and growing and changing. Sometimes for the worse, often for the better. Do not focus on the abyss of ‘loss’ or lost (easier said than done, I know), but find ways to make it less frightening when you do decide to look into it. It’s not easy. Don’t get hung up on what you should be or should know or should feel. You aren’t a character in a book, you are not an example from a text, you are made up of experiences that are unique to you and that means you will never fit ONE idea. Above all, write through it.

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    1. I will keep writing. That was a mistake I made when this first happened was to stop writing. I often find that after I write about things I’m able to let them go so I have no desire to stop writing as I don’t want to hold on to all this pain, lethargy, and sadness.

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  50. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I often feel this way – particularly when my depression is in full swing. I think that while we may not be constantly evolving, we do change overtime and I find those periods of change to be particularly troubling. I hope you find your footing soon.

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  51. This is an interesting question. I’ve always thought I was a different person than who most people saw me as. But then I realized that if you act like a different person than who you “think” you are, then you probably really are that other person.

    It’s confusing just writing it, so I can understand how you must feel. Hope you are able to work through it.

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  52. Well, I’ll tack on my two cents. As far as finding out who we are — that’s forever evolving. As far as finding peace in life, with me that happens when I lose focus on self and focus on a purpose. Whether it be writing, children, going to serve on Fridays at the local food kitchen. Tutoring a child at the elementary school. Donating time to help build a house. Whatever your passion is lose yourself in it. And I try to not focus on feelings because they are so mercurial. I just focus on the fact that I’ve been given another day to breathe and impact something or someone for the positive.

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  53. I don’t believe change is easy, but it helps us grow. Becoming someone new is a part of that. Unfortunately it is a very scary process. I am currently in a “I don’t know who I am or what I want” stage myself. Who you are right now may be different, and someone may be trying to define that because he or she is losing “control” of you.

    Who you are right now isn’t bad because it’s a person going through what needs to happen. Transition. I say be proud that you are getting through and evolving–even if the person you see 3 months from now is completely different from the person I’m writing this comment to today.

    It will get better and more positive moments will happen. Hang in there.

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  55. Oh man, I have been where you are. Self-discovery in the wake of tragedy SUCKS, but it is necessary suckage. I found myself by allowing myself to play, and do things I enjoy. In that way, I discovered what I truly enjoyed, not just what I thought I had enjoyed. Good luck.

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  56. Ay yi yi! Trying to find where to write a comment is so hard with all the wonderful love and support you’ve received from other bloggers.

    You know, my sister has gone through moments like this too and asks me advice and I hate it. I’m actually not one of those people who go through moments of “who am I?” and “how am I defined?”

    Why?

    Because who I am is who I am and every thing I do is part of it. Are you a good father? Yes. Then that’s part of who you are. Do you like a certain kind of music? Sure. Then that’s part of who you are. Do your actions make up who you are? Yup.

    And, yes, of course we are constantly evolving because we react differently to new situations each and every day. Each time a situation is presented and we react, it adds another layer to who we are. How I reacted when my boss got angry at me a year ago will be different to how I react now.

    One of the hardest things to remember in a relationship is that people are constantly growing and changing. The hope is that you both change and grow together, notice how you’ve both changed, and keep loving and accepting each other as time goes on. I constantly have to remind myself of that. Most of the time, it works out and you both grow together on the same path. Sometimes that doesn’t happen and one or both want the other person to stay trapped in time as the person they were when they met.

    In conclusion, I never worry about who I am or how I’m defined. I yam what I yam: an olive eating Star Wars fan.

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    1. Thank you for your wonderful comment. I’ll try to keep that in mind. I like to think that though I’m changing it’s for the better, but some people evidently didn’t like that change. They are no longer a part of my life.

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  57. Finding one’s self (or even a better understanding of who you are) does take time and seems like an uphill climb and you feel all Sisyphus-like. It’s not easy, but it’s possible, man. A lot of therapy and introspection and finally changing my inner dialogues from negative to something more worthwhile (plus medication, dietary changes, exercise, blah blah) all worked out for me. It’s been several years, though, but I wouldn’t change that. I wished it had gone much faster, but it’s better than not going down that road, at all, you know?

    One way to think of it all is to not see it as changing, but as an evolution. You want to evolve as a person, not to be a different person.

    Solidarity, man.

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  58. You’re fighting hard, not smart, buddy.
    Forget the wife and her psychological warfare.
    Forget your soul quest.
    Forget everything weighing you down.

    Rise above by loving your kids.
    Rise above by loving yourself, whoever you are.
    Rise above by continuing to write and create.
    Rise above by simply being… you.

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  59. This is going to sound trite, but THIS is who you are. The person who typed on his keyboard about being lost, about his ex not knowing who he was, who has good and bad days. That’s TD, for better or for worse.

    I have a very dear friend who is going through something similar to this. The good news is that the future is only full of discovery for the two of you. I’ve always held that it’s better to be unsure of who you are than to know who you really are is an asshole. This moment is the moment you get to decide who you want to be.

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      1. Oh, I’m sure you have some idea. You want to be a good dad, right? Someone who has meaningful friendships? Someone who has more good days than bad? Someone people feel they can rely on? Someone who makes people laugh?

        I know it’s hard because we all feel we should have some definitive end goal, but sometimes the only end goal is just getting through the journey as best we can. I’m doing that right now- allowing myself to be happy in all of my circumstances no matter how shitty because being happy is something that is really important to me.

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        1. I’m already a good dad. And I’m already funny (or so I think). The others are noble goals but ones I’m not sure how to attain. Of course I want those things and don’t know anyone who doesn’t, but I also don’t know how to take control of my emotions and maybe that is something I need to figure out. Thanks, Jen.

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          1. Sounds like you already kind of have your answer. It’s not TD that is confusing, it’s what’s in your head that is. I saw you were going to call a therapist, and I hope that brings a little clarity to your jumbled thoughts.

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  60. I’ve never been able to decide which phases are worse, the apathy or the sadness. One of the most helpful things that I’ve read (from a priest who boxes in his spare time, to embrace his anger issues, oddly enough) is that you can try to make acquaintance with your demons instead of fighting them. Sometimes it helps to remember that.

    Patanjali said, in the Yoga Sutra, (translated obviously) there are two kinds of thoughts – those that cause suffering and those that don’t, and you can make a choice between the two. Sometimes it helps to remember that.

    Sometimes sitting outside somewhere quiet and thinking nothing but inhale…exhale…helps.

    Sometimes making conscious choices every single moment to look towards a brighter light, to direct your mind to something that makes you smile whether it’s a puppy or a flower or your kid helps.

    Sometimes beating the shit out of a punching bag until your knuckles are bloody is satisfying.

    Sometimes nothing helps and you feel like a piece of crap and life seems pointless and a mountain is crushing your shoulders into the ground and the only choice that you can make is to put one foot in front of the other. Just keep fighting the good fight, search for any tricks your mind likes to help whenever you can, and I wish you luck with the therapist, it’s a brave step and I hope that it helps you start back onto your path.

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  61. I sometimes think the best starting place to be asking that question is when stood in front of a mirror.

    I could say about your being a brother, a son, a father, a friend. They do say a lot about you, but they don’t necessarily define who you are. One thing that you are is love, and you are also loved.

    Faith xx

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      1. I have to confess, when I read that comment, I did laugh out loud. And on re-reading it, I still do laugh.

        I’m oddly reminded of a Babylon 5 episode. Titled “Walkabout”, I think it’s from the middle of Season 3 or it might be the end of Season 2. One of the characters, Doctor Franklin, the head of the medical team on the space station, has been abusing stims (stimulants) and so takes a few days off to go “walkabout” to find himsef. He eventually does find himself (after getting attacked and he’s lying bleeding all over the place) and ends up in an argument with himself.

        I have no idea whether you could get the episode from Netflix or similar, but I reckon if you never watched B5, you’d probably enjoy it.

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