A Series of Fucked Up Events

It started off as a morning like any other. The alarm woke me abrasively, as it always does. It was all boringly routine. When I said it was time to go the twins remembered all the things they hadn’t done yet. Oh, I need my shoes! Augh! My MP3 player! Sigh.I dropped Baby C off with my mother, as is usual. I took him in, got hugs and kisses, told my mom I love her, and left.

The routine strays from here. The twins don’t stay with my mother during the day any longer. They are uncles now and have volunteered to watch their nephew on Tuesdays and Thursdays while their sister is at school. So I assured her that I would drop the boys off on my way to work. That was my downfall.

As I was pulling up to their mother’s house a beat-up old Honda sedan turned down their mother’s street. I waited for him to complete his turn, and for the car behind him to pass, before I started my turn down the street. That’s when the unfathomable happened. The guy in the Honda was stopped in the middle of the road. So I stopped. Then his reverse lights came on. Then, his car started going backwards. Quickly.

There was nothing I could do. I didn’t have enough time to put the car in reverse and get out of the way so I just pushed down a little harder on the brake pedal while he smashed into the driver’s side corner of my car.

Fuck.

This literally happened in front of my ex-wife’s house (she lives on the corner) so I told the boys to go ahead and go. Baby B, who was seated in the front passenger seat, couldn’t open the door. Great. Just great. I exited my wrecked vehicle so he could climb out on my side. I quickly pulled out my cell phone and called the local police department to advise them that I needed an officer to come fill out a report. I then called my boss to tell him that I may or may not be in to work as I don’t know if my car can be driven.

Then the fun really begins. My new best friend Eric, formerly known as the dude driving the Honda which backed into me, comes and pats me on the shoulder as I’m surveying the damage to my precious vehicle. “Sorry, man, I thought I was clear. Do you wanna just swap information?”

“I’ve already got an officer on the way.”

“Oh. I really need to get to work.”

“Yeah, so did I,” I say, ensuring my sarcasm is not lost on him.

While we waited roughly 20 minutes for the officer to show up I started my car back up and turned the steering wheel all the way to the left and then all the way to the right without any resistance. Seems like I should be able to drive it.

The officer finally showed up and took Eric’s license, insurance, and registration. I noticed that he had Safe Auto. Great. That can’t be a good sign. Then he came and got mine and disappeared into his car while he worked whatever magic he had to work to get me a police report so my car could be taken care of by insurance.

When he emerged from his cruiser some time later he sauntered over to me and gave me all of my paperwork back along with another small sheet of paper with the police report number on it. He then advised me to get Eric’s information, which to that point I had not gotten. I got Eric’s name, phone number, and policy number.

I got back in my car and began to pull away but something was amiss. There was noise emanating from the passenger front wheel and there was a limp in every wheel rotation. Great, I thought, something is all fucked up over there.

I turned about in my ex-wife’s driveway and pulled to the side of the road so I could get out and take a look. Evidently a big chunk of tar from the road had gotten stuck to my tire and I merely needed to pull it off and everything should be fine. Phew.

While I was removing pieces of Kentucky’s finest road material from my tire I overheard the cop talking to Eric. “This is only a declaration of insurance, it isn’t a card. We need to talk about this.”

That can’t be good.

I finished removing the tar from my tire and went into my ex-wife’s house to wash my hands. I came back out, got in my car, and was just about to engage the transmission when I see the cop walking my way, looking like he had something else to tell me. I rolled down my window and he confirmed my sinking suspicions. “You’re not gonna like this…” he started.

“He’s uninsured, isn’t he?”

“Suspended. His insurance is suspended.”

How the fuck to you get suspended from Safe Auto? You gotta be a really shitty driver to get suspended by them.

“No wonder he tried to get outta here without me calling you.”

“Yup.”

“So what does that mean for me?”

“I don’t know what kind of coverage you have…”

“I have full coverage.”

“They should take care of it, but you’ll probably hafta pay the deductible. Then they’ll go after him.”

“Okay, thanks. Do you need anything else from me?”

“Nope, have a good day.”

I rolled up the window and put the car in drive. I started slowly at first, but everything seemed fine now. I decided to stop by my insurance agent’s office before I headed to work to get the claim started and so they could take pictures if needed. It was just a few minutes before 8:30 so I figured they’d be open by now.

I pulled into the parking lot of a house which looked to be roughly 80 years old. I mean, this house has made no attempt to cover up its age. I didn’t see any other cars there, but there’s only two parking spots so I figured the employees probably parked somewhere else. I walked up to the door and looked for a sign with hours on it, but found nothing. I peered in through the window and saw a desk in the back with a monitor on it. The monitor was on, so I figured there was someone there. I tried the door and it opened, thus reaffirming my assumption that someone was there. I walked in and shouted hello. After a couple more steps I began to hear a beep. I quickly located its source, which was an alarm box on the wall beside me. The status read as away.

Fuck!

I had just unwittingly broken into my insurance agent’s place of business. I quickly left and as I was getting back into my car the alarm sounded full force. I took off like a bat out of hell and didn’t look back.

Fuck today.

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That was how I spent my Tuesday morning, dear Maphia™. How did you spend yours?