I’m Not Ready to Make Nice

This morning while drinking my morning cup of coffee I was perusing my newsfeed on Facebook and came across this article about Natalie Maines‘ solo rock album, which was shared by a friend. Natalie Maines, for those of you who aren’t country fans, was the lead singer of the group The Dixie Chicks. That, however, is not what inspired me to write this post.

Thinking about Natalie and The Dixie Chicks made me think of a song of theirs that I hadn’t heard in a really long time that I remembered liking. Something about not being nice. So I Binged it (fuck Google – they’re omnipresent so I’m going all hipster on them and Binging everything). I came across the video for it and watched it. I listened to the lyrics and holy shit did they speak to me. The name of the song is Not Ready to Make Nice, and I’ll include the video at the end of the post.

Cover for Not Ready to Make Nice (photo credit: Wikipedia)

Now, this song was not written about a situation similar to mine. This song was written in response to the leviathan public backlash and being blackballed by country music for daring to share the opinion that the war in Iraq is unjust and that they were ashamed that George W. Bush was our president. However, there are certain lyrics in this song that, when applied to my life right now, fit so perfectly that I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for nearly 8 hours. No, that is not an exaggeration. I have literally been listening to this song on repeat for 8 hours. I listened to it while I was reading blogs earlier. I listened to it while I finished checking Facebook. I listened to it while I checked Twitter. I listened to it while I walked to the store and back. I listened to it while I walked a lap around the neighborhood. I’m listening to it as I write this post. I can’t stop listening to it. It is speaking to me and I’m trying to figure out what the hell it is saying. The emotion with which Maines sings this song has had me on the brink of tears a couple of times today. I know that’s ruining my bad ass trooper image, but I give no fucks at this point.

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

This verse at the beginning of the song is what pulled me right in. As I’m being asked by my wife to become friends again these words slapped me right in the face and told me this is exactly how I feel about it. These were words that fell out of my mouth last night, actually. I have forgiven, but I cannot forget. That means I will not be repeating mistakes of the past. You have fooled me too many times. I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you either. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forget and perhaps that day we can start over, but today is not that day.

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

This verse also spoke to me. I have no doubt that the decisions I’ve made are the correct decisions and there really is nothing left for me to figure out. It’s over. Finished. Done. Complete. I’ve moved on and going back to that relationship, any aspect of it, would be immensely counterproductive right now and might undo all of the progress I’ve made since the end. I’ve turned that page and it’s not one I wish to revisit.

I have paid a price. Oh have I paid my price. Severe bouts of depression. Loss of appetite. Sleep deprivation. Loneliness. Medication. Therapy. Knowing that I’m a failure. Knowing that I’ve brought another child into this world who will grow up in a broken home. And I will keep paying. Every time he asks me for you I pay a price because you’re not here and never will be again. Every time he wakes up in the middle of the night I pay a price. When he’s old enough to know that it’s not normal for moms and dads to live separately I will pay a price. When he’s not here and I miss him terribly I pay and will continue to pay a price. Every first he has while he’s with you I will pay that price. I’ll keep paying. Oh, will I keep paying.

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

The chorus is where it’s at. I’m not ready to make nice. Nor am I ready to back down. When I think about how it all went down I do get mad as hell. I don’t have time to go round and round and I need to move on. I can’t keep revisiting my past. It’s definitely too late to make it right and with months of hindsight now I know that I wouldn’t if I could. There’s no sense in playing this game. We have a cordial relationship now. We talk about Baby C when we need to and both have his best interests at heart and that’s all we should be worried about where each other is concerned.

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it

It’s not something I think about at all anymore. At least, not until you come back and start knocking on the wall I’ve erected between us and asking me to let you back in. No, there are things I can’t get past. No, there are things I can’t get over. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think about you without thinking about those things. Those betrayals. Those lies. Those broken promises. These are things that are not easily forgotten nor should they be.

This song came to me today at just the right time. Just when I needed it. It validated how I felt and reassured me that my feelings are legit. It gave me words and emotions to help me focus. Hell, I’m still listening to that song. I need help…

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

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About Twindaddy (336 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

42 Comments on I’m Not Ready to Make Nice

  1. It is, really.

    Like

  2. I miss you, Alice. Come back to Facebook.

    Like

  3. Its late here, but I want to get back with you on this and will in the morning….much love to you and your heart….

    Like

  4. One of my most favorite songs. Has been on my current Iplaylist for about a year now.

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  5. It was shared by a friend? Nice. I must say, I really like her attitude.

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  6. That is a great song. Best wishes…

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  7. When you open up, you make me proud and sad and fill me with a sort of helplessness that I can’t reach out and do something. You also sort of make me realize that although there is nothing wrong with my silly little humor blog, I could be doing so much more that is meaningful. But mostly you make me wish I could meet you somewhere for a drink and talk about the things we have in common.

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  8. Such a powerful song. I remember that whole controversy. I think that was when I realized that the world really was going to hell in the proverbial handbasket.

    Music, singing, listening, or in this case shouting, helps so much in healing and validating. Yup this is your song. Sing it and play it until you feel better.

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  9. The minute I saw this…I wanted to share with you a little background. It was so late when I read and I was tired to the point of head dropping that I decided to wait when my “fog” was clear and I was of clear conscience..or least..clear enough to tell you wisely…lol.

    I have always LOVED the Dixie Chicks…I mean, I am a southern gal. Country music kinda runs in my blood. More so the older kind..I can sing (not for anyones ears but my own, mind you) every Hank Williams tune ever cranked out thanks to my dear ole dad..bless him. He would die if he knew I liked other music

    But, getting back to said topic, I attend what’s called “THE BARNDANCE” in Taos, NM in September from time to time where I visit my two best friends. I have become quite good friends with the musicians there. A few in particular, Susan Gibson. She “wrote” Wide Open Spaces that the Dixie Chicks now sing. Susan is always at the Barndance. AS IS “Lloyd Maines” , Natalies dad.
    He sings with a gal named Terri Hendrix. The two of them are always at The Barndance.
    Heres a little snipet…

    At the Barndance there is fantastic music and mainly by the people who “write” the music. I know your post was concerning the words to the song….I guess what I was trying to say is at The Barndance, you hear the words at such a deep spiritual level by the writers and sung by THEM before it gets picked up by the bands. The words are so passionate to their souls. All their songs mean something to them. I don’t know if Natalie wrote this song. But I do know she and her dad are starting to sing together more.

    They just put on a show and sang together recently in TX. I, personally, think Natalie can sing!

    I wish I could take your hurt and hang it to dry…. hurt is something I do understand…I hope each day is moment of newness. I pray for your peace.
    lj

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  10. Not fond of the messenger…Maines…I can relate to the message. I hope you are ok.

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  11. That song captures perfectly what it feels like when someone has wronged you. You can mentally decide to forgive someone, but that doesn’t erase the damage or change the way you feel – that part is not a choice.

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  12. Great song, one of my favorites by the Dixie Chicks. Especially love how the song builds and how you can hear her genuine anger as she screams toward the end.

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  13. Love this song, and I loved this post TD. It’s ok to be not ready to make nice.

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  14. Forgiveness takes a hell of a lot of time on occasion. And before you can forgive her, you’ve got to forgive yourself. Which, if you’re anything like me, can and will take even longer.

    Like

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