It’s all on me. I fucked up. I’m not a perfect man. I’ve never claimed to be. At least, not seriously. Sure, I joke around and call myself perfect, but we’re all smarter than that, right? We know nobody is perfect. Myself least of all.
What I don’t understand is how some people can be so unforgiving when I make a mistake. We all make them, right? Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone? Or something.
There are some things that are unforgivable. There just are. Murder. Rape. Abuse. As much as I’d like to forgive certain things that were done to me, I can’t. Things done with malicious intent are tough to forgive. However, when I’m trying my best and still fuck up, I think I deserve to be forgiven.
I’m a forgiving person, for the most part. I don’t stay angry about much of anything for very long. I’m just easy going. Indifferent. So it baffles me when someone holds on to one thing and uses that as fuel for an unhealthy hatred. I am not a cruel person. I don’t intentionally hurt anyone. I never have and I don’t foresee myself ever doing so.
I crave forgiveness from someone who will likely never give it. I’m slowly coming to accept that I will never be forgiven for failing to see that my actions would hurt this person, but I’ve done all I can to repair the damage. There’s nothing more I can do. I have apologized. I have tried to explain myself. I have apologized some more. And then again.
To forgive is not easy, especially when there is pain associated with that potential forgiveness. I know this because I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive the twins’ mother for the way she treated me and held me captive with threats of suicide for 9 years. I know this because I don’t know know that I’ll ever be able to forgive Baby C’s mother for emotionally manipulating me and using me to achieve her own ends. I know this because I don’t know that I can forgive a friend who rented his house to me while purposely withholding the fact that it was being foreclosed. I know this because I don’t know that I can ever forgive a friend to whom I entrusted personal information who then gave that information away.
What I can do is release this craving and stop dwelling on it. I can let it go. I can move on. And finally, I can say that I think I have. The past is the past. I need to focus on the present and the future and I’m almost to that point.
While I know it’s futile to live in the past, sometimes it’s hard to let those things go. You think about them. Why couldn’t I have been stronger? What can I do to fix it? Why didn’t I do this instead? It’s a harmful mentality. In my head I know this, but sometimes it’s a hard mentality to escape. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I am on my way to another life.
I’ve taken my licks and I’m ready to get back at it. I’ve got my armor back on. My shell. My protection. My guard is up and I hope never to get duped by some narcissistic asshole again.