Forgiveness is Divine

It’s all on me. I fucked up. I’m not a perfect man. I’ve never claimed to be. At least, not seriously. Sure, I joke around and call myself perfect, but we’re all smarter than that, right? We know nobody is perfect. Myself least of all.

What I don’t understand is how some people can be so unforgiving when I make a mistake. We all make them, right? Let he (or she) who is without sin cast the first stone? Or something.

There are some things that are unforgivable. There just are. Murder. Rape. Abuse. As much as I’d like to forgive certain things that were done to me, I can’t. Things done with malicious intent are tough to forgive. However, when I’m trying my best and still fuck up, I think I deserve to be forgiven.

I’m a forgiving person, for the most part. I don’t stay angry about much of anything for very long. I’m just easy going. Indifferent. So it baffles me when someone holds on to one thing and uses that as fuel for an unhealthy hatred. I am not a cruel person. I don’t intentionally hurt anyone. I never have and I don’t foresee myself ever doing so.

I crave forgiveness from someone who will likely never give it. I’m slowly coming to accept that I will never be forgiven for failing to see that my actions would hurt this person, but I’ve done all I can to repair the damage. There’s nothing more I can do. I have apologized. I have tried to explain myself. I have apologized some more. And then again.

To forgive is not easy, especially when there is pain associated with that potential forgiveness. I know this because I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive the twins’ mother for the way she treated me and held me captive with threats of suicide for 9 years. I know this because I don’t know know that I’ll ever be able to forgive Baby C’s mother for emotionally manipulating me and using me to achieve her own ends. I know this because I don’t know that I can forgive a friend who rented his house to me while purposely withholding the fact that it was being foreclosed. I know this because I don’t know that I can ever forgive a friend to whom I entrusted personal information who then gave that information away.

What I can do is release this craving and stop dwelling on it. I can let it go. I can move on. And finally, I can say that I think I have. The past is the past. I need to focus on the present and the future and I’m almost to that point.

While I know it’s futile to live in the past, sometimes it’s hard to let those things go. You think about them. Why couldn’t I have been stronger? What can I do to fix it? Why didn’t I do this instead? It’s a harmful mentality. In my head I know this, but sometimes it’s a hard mentality to escape. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I am on my way to another life.

I’ve taken my licks and I’m ready to get back at it. I’ve got my armor back on. My shell. My protection. My guard is up and I hope never to get duped by some narcissistic asshole again.

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About Twindaddy (336 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

83 Comments on Forgiveness is Divine

  1. Forgiveness can only come with repentance. You truly repent, you have apologized and shown by your actions that you won’t do it again. YOU are the one who deserves forgiveness, but you aren’t going to get it, so you must let it go.

    OTOH, in order for you to forgive those who have hurt you, they must truly repent. They aren’t going to, so you have to let go of the anger you feel towards them. Build a wall between you and move on. They only have power over you if you let them.

    Today’s popular usage of the word “forgiveness” is bullshit and I’m not buying it. I don’t forgive my abusers and I never will. They hurt me deliberately and for their own ends. They are not sorry. They have done nothing to “make it up to” me, and they never will. The only thing I can give them is indifference, and that brings peace to my heart.

    Living well is the best revenge πŸ™‚

    P.S. Glad to see you back on the blog.

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  2. Hello friend I too am a blogger ,but blogging at google blogger,I liked the topic you had discussed in this post. Keep blogging and if you wish to visit my blogs just drop in at debjaani.blogspot.in

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  3. Forgiving yourself is the only forgiveness that really matters. I’m glad you are setting aside your need to seek it from others. I’m glad you are returning to something you so obviously enjoy doing.

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  4. YES! This makes me happier than you know. You and I are so much alike and when I see you win a struggle you were having in your own head I feel I have won too. We can not control others and their choices to do or not to do certain things. They will react their way and we have to react ours and hopefully our reactions are loving and kind despite any ill will we might have targeted on us. Sometimes good people get caught up in bad emotions…I am so guilty of this it hurts to even think about…but I always try to ask for forgiveness because I truly am sorry when I unintentionally hurt someone. OR we can just say Screw them and let them eat fish heads πŸ™‚

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  5. The act of asking for forgiveness is the most important thing you can do for yourself, because you’ve admitted you were at fault. Even if you can’t make peace with the other person, making peace with yourself is even more important.

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  6. Glad to have you back, TD.

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  7. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but it seems to be only learnt with hard knocks along side the head.

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  8. I would like to think so, but I know some people who aren’t.

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  9. Good to see you TD.
    In the end, it sounds like it’s about realizing your mistakes and getting on with your life, remembering them adn those of others, but not letting them be the whol of your future.
    It’s a pain in the ass, but when you get there, it’s more than worth it.

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  10. Hey you, glad you’re back.

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  11. Good luck, TD and it is good to see you back.

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  12. CombatBabe // August 8, 2013 at 1:50 pm // Reply

    Glad to see you back at blogging. Missed ya. πŸ™‚

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  13. YAY!!! Welcome back!

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  14. Ha. It was all love and sunshine and unicorns until the “duped by some narcissistic asshole” bit at the end. Intentional or not, that line is brilliant.

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  15. Welcome back^^ Not sure what’s harder, forgiving or asking for forgivness. Hope you stay un-duped.

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  16. Welcome back, TwinDaddy. I missed your stuph …

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  17. Glad to see you back where you belong.

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  18. Yay! You’re back!

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  19. Yeeeehah! Hello stranger! There are big cheers and smiles over here in the land of Aus. Forgiveness is tough, and often it is harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. If people hold grudges they are the ones that carry that negativity around, not you. You have to let it go.

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  20. Glad you’re back. Hope you feel better soon. Sometimes forgiveness without reconciliation is all we get. Which doesn’t always feel like forgiveness on the receiving end of it. Chin up. Cliche platitudes I won’t write. Eye of the tiger playing in the background.

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  21. I get that. A lot. I’ve done some terrible things in my life, and that list will probably be longer than my leg. And like you, I also have people on my case who harp on about things that a did some hundred years ago.

    But I say fuck it man. If you’ve said sorry once, and meant it, and you’ve well and truly learnt your lesson, then you don’t need to answer to anybody. Answer to and forgive yourself. That is, to me, the best repentance that your ever gonna get.

    Love your blog by the way.

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  22. Welcome Back,,,,, πŸ™‚

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  23. I knew you’d be back soon, buddy.
    Welcome back!

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  24. Man… I am a grudge holder… I put Sicilians to shame… but it isn’t good for me.

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  25. I’m working on it.

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  26. Welcome Back! Your strength is heard loud and clear in your words. One day at a time ; )

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  27. I have felt exactly what you have written here and it took me almost 2 years to let go even though I bounced back pretty fast as per my standards. I just followed this β€œIt’s not how many times you get knocked down that count, it’s how many times you get back up.” and ‘its not only how many times, but how fast you get back up’.

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  28. I sometimes let things get stuck in my head and bother the shit out of me … only to realize that I was wrong and the other person meant something totally different!! This just goes to show that sometimes, I really am my own worst … everything!! But there are other times, when people react a certain way and I truly just don’t understand it .. either their hatred or their lack of compassion. (I have felt picked on at times this last year from others by NOT living up to a certain expectation .. and to me, it’s like, I am grieving the loss of my brother! My best friend, my kid brother, my whole world, my everything was shot and killed and I’m sitting through a murder trial and I am NOT RIGHT at all!! where is the compassion?)

    … but then I realize that I can’t expect people to understand what this feels like or where I am. I have to let people be people and let me be me!! YOU are a fine example of a great friend and person. I have known this from day one! I can always see a good soul!! Glad to get to read your words again today!!

    ~ J

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  29. TD,
    One of the now-deceased Sisters has a saying. “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” It means, particularly with self-forgiveness, that shit happened and you can’t change it, but you can leave it behind. If you can leave the baggage behind, do so. Life is too damn short – but you do need to give yourself plenty of time to process what’s happened and to be able to put down whatever it is that you need to put down.
    Does that make any sense?
    Faith x

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