I have a problem. An inexplicable need. An innate compulsion.
See, I have a big heart and I’m a good listener. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, that’s just the way I am. And no, that’s not my problem.
My problem is that when people confide in me, when they share their problems, I have this overwhelming urge not only to comfort that person and listen, but to fix their problem for them. I take on the problems of others as my own. This, according to my counselor, is the very core of codependency. The need to control every thing.
When he first worded codependency thusly I thought to myself, “He’s nuts. I’m no control freak.” And I’m really not. I have never tried to dictate to anyone other my children how to do anything and everything. But over time, analyzing all of my past situations, I’ve realized my counselor is correct. It’s just a different sort of control. When people share their troubles with me, I don’t feel understanding and apologizing are ever enough. I always feel compelled to do more. I feel inadequate because I can’t do more. I’ll be damned if I don’t try anyhow.
Of course, my friends assure me that merely listening means the world to them and that my empathy is more than enough, but that never pacifies me. I’m still left feeling as if I haven’t done enough. That I’m not a good enough friend. That I should be doing more to help those who need my help.
I’m assuming their problems.
Lately, I’ve had an easier time letting go of these things. I’m analyzing them after the fact and realizing just how asinine my feelings are a lot of times. I mean, were our positions reversed, my friends wouldn’t be able to do anything for me. They can do nothing to properly medicate me for my depression. They can do nothing to eliminate the devastating sense of failure I feel for getting divorced a second time. There was nothing they could physically do to mend my broken heart. But they listened. They empathized. They distracted me from my self-loathing thoughts. They made me laugh. It saved me. Now I just need to realize that when I return the favor that I don’t need to do any more than that unless specifically asked.
In looking back at my failed relationships, before counseling I would reason that I was duped into those relationships by the other person. And to an extent I was. At the same time, however, I was also satisfying my need to fix problems that aren’t my own. With my first wife, she was a financially destitute single mother unable to pay her bills and feed her children. I took it upon myself to solve her problems by moving in with her and assisting with the bills. She, of course, ensnared me by using attempts and threats of suicide, guilting me into staying, but it was still ultimately my decision to make. Then I became trapped. With my second wife, she was broken by her brother’s suicide and I was doing everything I could to fix her in any way I could. She never asked me to fix her, but I felt like it was my responsibility and I tried. I tried so hard. True, I did fall in love with her, unlike my first wife, but it was my need to fix her that ultimately led me there.
This all came to a head last night. All these realizations crashed down on me like a tsunami making landfall. I was talking to a friend who was having her antidepressant changed after only a month on her current one. She wasn’t very happy about it. I apologized for her situation and immediately set to task with suggestions and doing everything I could think of to solve her problem for her. I even mentioned that I felt like I needed to be doing more even though she’s told me repeatedly that just listening means the world to her.
Then I realized – there’s not a damn thing I can do. I can’t change her medication back. I can’t change her doctor. I can’t cure her. I can’t do anything to rectify the situation just as she can do nothing to rectify mine. Listening and being empathetic is really all I can do. All she wants me to do. And it really is enough, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I know when I’m venting my frustrations I don’t expect anyone to swoop in and save me. She certainly doesn’t expect that from me. None of my friends do and that’s why they are awesome.
So now that I’ve realized this I have work to do. I need to somehow learn what I can control and what I can’t. I need to learn that only my problems are my problems. If someone asks then I’ll be more than happy to help, but I need not assume someone’s problem just because of some incomprehensible desire to solve it. It’s not my job to fix you, it’s yours.
Another life lesson learned at the school of Hard Knocks. Fuck that place.
That’s such a wonderful, open post. I can see that behaviour in myself too, especially the frustration when I literally CANNOT fix the problem that someone has come to me with. My ex-wife made it clear to me on more than one occasion that the reason she came to me wasn’t to get things fixed, but to get empathy & sympathy… and I although I offered it, I also tried too often to fix things that I really couldn’t or had no business trying to fix.
I am so in awe of your ability to write such heart felt posts, you have an exceptional talent.
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Thank you, Simon. I only hope I can follow through with my goals. Otherwise I might go mad.
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How are you at taking advice, when people offer suggestions for problems you’re having?
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Not very good…
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As are many other people.
A long time ago, I stopped giving advice to people, mostly so I could stop taking it from them. Once I got over that, it was easier to listen without being responsible for them, and that made my life a lot easier.
I have no idea who it came from, but I remember the line that if everyone was so good at fixing everyone elses problems, why couldn’t they fix their own?
Hope you find something that works for you.
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Thanks, Gaup. I think it’s easier to analyze the problems of others because there’s no emotional involvement with whoever might be causing those problems. You can look at them logically. It’s hard to look at your own problems logically.
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Sadly, I think it’s the emotional investment the other person has that makes it difficult to hear suggestions/advice, just as it’s hard to give god advice without understanding their emotional siuation.
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Indeed. It’s all too complicated. I need a drink already…
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Amen. I’ll pour.
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Woot!
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Wow…great post. A lot of what you wrote describes me as well. I’ve been that way since I was a kid because I was always trying to fix my parents drinking problems. It’s a very hard habit to break but I did that with my divorce. I finally learned I can’t fix everybody.
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Well, I’ve recognized it. I don’t know that I’ve learned it yet…I have some ways to go, I think.
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At least you’re on the right path!
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I hope so.
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Insight into our deeper selves is harsh and enlightening – all at the same fuckin’ time. I am a fixer, too – and I have a string of broken boyfriends to prove it.
I often feel that I might *know* what is the right thing to do (like letting go) but I’m often stuck figuring out how to go about doing it…sounds like you are on the path to knowing what to change.
Peace to you, friend ~
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Thank you, dearest Ladycakes. I’m working on it.
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May the force be with you, TD.
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That would be nice.
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It is a hard cycle to break, but it sounds like you are taking the right steps to acknowledge and work on it. I find myself slipping back into the codependent behavior from time to time (oh, hi there, family members!). When I do, I go over my “reading homework” to remember how to try to stay focused on me and define my boundaries again.
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Can I copy your homework?
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*begin sarcasm*
You know, that sounds like quite a problem, TD… go the fuck away.
How’s that for not assuming others’ problems?
*end sarcasm*
I have the same problem. My method of dealing might not work for everyone.
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That’s healthier for you than the opposite, sadly.
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Exact same lesson for me , I always say, to say a counselor makes you mildly discomforted is a huge understatement. The characteristics you learn about yourself is uncanny. Good to know you thought all of it through, I think I was always subconsciously caught in being the altruistic hero. We all have our fantasies right ?
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Yes…I fantasize way too much, I think…
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Yeah, I’ve got a little bit of the same problem in myself. It drives my wife nuts sometimes because I have a lot on my plate at home that needs my attention to trying to fix other peoples’ issues should probably take a back seat from time to time. Let’s just call ourselves awesome people and be done with it.
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I’ll drink to that.
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My therapist told me I do the same thing. I carry people’s pain inparticualily my Hubby’s, even his pain is not mine to carry. It’s actually kind of freeing the times I do figure out how to let it go, empathsize but not wear it.
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It’s so ingrained. It’s a tough thing to change.
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I was cared for, but it’s in the genes. My mother is the same way.
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I’m a fixer too. I hate not being able to fix everything, and I too have had to learn to let go when and where I can’t control the situation, when and where I can’t do more than listen and apologize. Hence, comments like “I’ll head over and watch Finding Nemo to give you a break from it,” because if I lived closer, I would be there any time you needed me. We both know that’s not going to happen though and yet I type the words anyway.
Hooray for self discovery. Hooray for learning something new and important about yourself and using that knowledge to be a better person. We should all strive towards those sorts of discoveries every day.
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Ha! I don’t know if I could take finding new inadequacies about myself on a daily basis.
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Hahaha! Good point… I meant that we should strive to be better each day than we were the day before. 😛
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That’s the goal, but some people are more persistent with that goal than others. And, of course, some people are already perfect. At least, to hear them tell it.
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I’m not perfect… not by a long shot. Perfect sounds kind of boring anyway, don’t you think?
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It does…if I didn’t make mistakes what would I laugh at?
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My mistakes? They are always good for a laugh or two.
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Well then we can laugh at each other.
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Deal. 😉
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Thank you for listening and not trying to fix me. Love this.
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You’re very welcome, dear.
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I think it’s part of what makes you who you are. You have a deep sense of empathy and really know how other people are feeling. Even if you can’t relate you listen in a way that makes me feel like you really hear me. I appreciate that. It is a valuable life skill that not many people have these days.
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Thank you, Steph. Sometimes I just feel so helpless, though.
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Yeah I know what you mean
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It is hard not to take on others’ burdens. But I’m glad you’re coming to accept that being a friend is the best help you can be.
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I’m trying to. It’s hard to change something so ingrained.
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And again you’ve blown me away with your raw honesty and emotions. I’m kind of the opposite of you; I listen to people’s problems and issues, and then I try and back off, back away, and not become so involved. I think that there are pro’s and con’s to how both of us react to these situations, but I feel that I sometimes take it to the extreme, coming across as cold and uncaring, when in actual fact I’m only trying to protect myself.
Loved reading this post 🙂
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That’s healthier for you than what I do, sadly.
And thank you for your kind words.
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Yeah, I agree with you. You get so caught up in trying to ‘fix’ other people and their problems, that you neglect yourself 😦 *hugs*
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Indeed. Thank you. (hugs)
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I used to take stray crazy people into my life and try to fix them. I never fixed one. But they often came to depend on me for something I couldn’t give them. When I moved away, I knew I was leaving them out on a limb that was already cracked.
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It’s a tough position to be in.
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Helping is a tough way to spend your time.
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It is, but it’s often an obligation I feel.
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Then by all means keep it up.
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I’m trying to let it go. My counselor says it’s not good for me. That I’m enabling people. And neglecting myself.
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Well that is what I was sort of trying to say.
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You seem like a problem solver that’s why you have the urge to always help solve a problem. Nothing wrong with that. It’s also because you’re probably gifted with an ability to empathize. Nothing wrong with that either. But, you’re also pretty rational, and so, you come to realize that you don’t have control over a lot of things. And people. And events. So, sometimes, you just have to let things play out.
This of course is hard to do when it’s your kid, your significant other or any other person who really really matters to you…..
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It is hard to just sit back and watch. I always feel like there’s SOMETHING I can do…
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I took a lot from this. I see a bunch of myself in this. We may be the same person..well except you are funnier and have a penis…and…twins…and ok …we are similar
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Lol, goofy ass.
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I guess it is a good thing you love me or I’d be blocked 🙂
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Never. And you know I love you.
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I’m just like that; assuming other people’s problems. My issue with it though? Not trying to necessarily SOLVE their problems, but FEEL their problems. So if you feel like shit and start crying? I feel your pain. It’s like I’m a shape-shifter or something.
I became aware of it only last year, and am trying to stop doing it and just listen. It’s not easy.
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No, it’s not. I have made some progress, though.
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sounds like an epiphany for you. it’s so hard to actually see ourselves and amazing that you have. and it’s such a wonderful thing trying to help, but you’re right, you can’t solve other people’s problems anymore than they can solve yours, you can only be there for them as a good friend, which clearly you are.
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I try to be. I really do.
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Co-dependency can be a beast. We are “Kindred Spirits” with this blog post. Helping others in Recovery is a great, but I can tend to want to help “Fix Them” and end up doing more than needed 😦
We have Big Hearts! Another great post. 🙂
*Cat*
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Thanks, Cat! It was tough to know where the boundaries are sometimes.
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Like you, I always want to try to fix things for people. To somehow make things better for them. Like you say though, we really can’t and most times people don’t want us to. All they want and all we can do is listen.
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It’s a tough lesson to learn.
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Wow, Twindaddy, this must have been quite the revelation. But the question is, how does one rid oneself of this tendency? Isn’t it like an addiction? So sorry to hear it has plagued your life. I know people like this. It’s really hard.
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I don’t know that you can. I saw a counselor (for as long as I could afford) and I also read the book Codependent No More, which was extremely helpful with identifying and emphasizing the importance of boundaries.
I am by no means healed, but I’m more aware of it now and can therefore make better decisions.
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Reblogged this on Made of Quirk .
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