Depression and the Wraith

Image via daarken.com

A wraith slides silently through an absolutely black night. It blends with the darkness, making it indiscernible to the naked eye. Unseen, unknown, the wraith slips in through a castle’s defenses unnoticed and lowers the drawbridge allowing safe passage across its protective moat.

Awaiting attackers storm the castle, defeat its inhabitants, and take control. They rule with an iron fist. The castle’s inhabitants are cruelly mistreated, incarcerated, and starved. They are miserable. They dream of the life they enjoyed before the attackers conquered their castle.

This story is all too true, in a sense. It happened to me, sadly. It happens frequently, in fact. You see, in my story, insomnia is the wraith the slips in behind my protective fortress. It keeps me from sleeping thus weakening my emotional defenses. Once my emotional defenses are down, depression invades my body and conquers all.

I haven’t gotten much sleep in the last few days. What sleep I’ve gotten has evidently not been enough to fuel my emotional defenses, because the depression demon has once again made itself at home in my body. My eye lids feel like they are full of lead. There’s a strange pressure caving my head in. My muscles are sore despite the fact I’ve done no strenuous activity. I have no motivation to do anything. Even at work. I know things need to be done, but I don’t care.

Last night I laid in bed pondering a plethora of things while I should have been sleeping. Errant thoughts raced through my head, preventing the sandman from completing his vital task. I stared into the darkness. I stared at the ceiling. I checked my phone. I read a book. I eventually passed out.

I’m feeling a bit better today than I did yesterday, but the depression is still there clinging like my shadow. It’s always there somehow, some way. Each day brings a new battle which I must wage with that bastard. When insomnia claims victory over me so, too, does depression. Then I drown in emotions unleashed by the sabotaged dam which was holding them back. There doesn’t have to be a trigger. No event to pull me under. It just happens. And that’s what depression is. You’re sad because it says so.

Luckily I’ve been winning the majority of these battles since my divorce has been finalized. Once in while, however, insomnia creeps in and allows depression to sneak back in and I spend that day walking around like I’m under water.

Fuck depression.

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About Twindaddy (328 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

80 Comments on Depression and the Wraith

  1. You’ve nailed this.

    Like

  2. I know and I’m sorry.

    Like

  3. Sigh. I can relate all too well.

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  4. *hug*
    If I clonk you on the head, will it help with the insomnia?

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  5. Indeed. (hugs)

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  6. It feels wrong “liking” this. I just sent this link to a friend of mine who suffers from depression as well. What you have written about the ever-returning nature of this particular bastard is so sensitively yet accurately.
    Brilliant post, as always.
    Do smile.
    🙂

    Like

  7. A beautifully, and sadly, accurate piece of writing. “You’re sad because it says so”. I got goosebumps as I was reading this.

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  8. Yup. You nailed it. Fuck depression and insomnia both. *hugs*

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  9. My daughter suffers from depression and your line “I’m sad because it says so” helps me to understand her better. Thank you for that.

    Like

  10. It was just a sad, depressing and very vividly detailed post that paints an almost lucid picture of depression and insomnia. I hope you feel better with time. 🙂

    Like

  11. When I do insomnia, I go with it and do something useful. Try melatonin?

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  12. Ouch. I guess I have been depressed for many years, as I still can’t seem to conquer the insomnia. Any advise?

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  13. I’ve felt this way, too. Insomia sucks especially when you HAVE to be at work the next day. And the depression….oh God it’s terrible. I hope it gets better for you.

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  14. Back when I got so depressed I nearly killed myself it turns out I let anxiety get out of control and I hadn’t slept in weeks and probably more than a month without a full night. It caused depression like this…

    My psychiatrist prescriped Clonazepam…I took it for 3 weeks and started sleeping again. Worth a check into maybe???

    You know you can text me anytime right?!?

    Like

  15. Yeah. It is exactly like that. You know I’m here for you, and how’s this for awesome…when it’s the middle of the night there it’s daytime here and vice versa! Hey presto! Insomnia boredom cure. I can’t promise to be better than the Schticky infomercials, but I’ll give it my best shot. Xx

    Like

  16. I don’t have words… Brilliantly sad post 😦 beautifully written, I can feel your emotions through your words. *hugs*

    Like

  17. Strong, emotional, solid writing. Speaks to the heart. Now if it could only speak to the brain and tell it to stfu and go to sleep. hope you’re on your way.

    Like

  18. Good post… bad topic… feel better… my song ‘Walls of Stone’ is sort of about this…

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  19. Insomnia and depression are assholes.

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  20. Very powerful post… My son is suffering with this, and your words have helped me understand better what he’s feeling than any others I’ve read. Wishing you sleep-filled nights and happier days soon.

    Like

  21. Kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight, my friend.

    Like

  22. I don’t have insomnia, but I totally understand what you mean about the tiredness pervading everything and making it difficult to keep thoughts under control and therefore aggrivating the depression.
    Lack of sleep sucks.

    Like

  23. findingninee // January 15, 2014 at 10:41 pm // Reply

    Wow, what a great post. I think it’s really great that you’re sharing your story with so many people. My good friend’s dad committed suicide after battling depression for years. It’s just awful.

    Like

    • Suicide is a horrible, horrible situation. I can thankfully say that even in my deepest despair, I’ve never considered taking my own life. I would never do that to my children or family.

      Like

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