Breaking News

Baby C Trooper

Fecal Weapon of Mass Destruction

This is a breaking news report from the Imperial News Network. (Aside: News is always breaking. Why does no one ever fix the news?)

Authorities have confirmed the detonation of a fecal weapon (aka: dirty bomb) in Baby C’s diaper at approximately 7:24PM this evening. Debris from the blast shot through every possible opening in the diaper and released toxic fumes into the surrounding areas, sending residents into hiding and, in some cases, fleeing the scene entirely.

The diaper is a complete loss and cannot be salvaged. There was extensive damage to the trousers, mostly cosmetic in nature. Tide has assured Baby C the pants can be restored to their original condition. The shirt escaped damage.

Clean up efforts were grueling. Half a tub of wipes had to be shipped in to remove the feculent debris. The rest was removed using a mixture of hot water and Johnson’s Baby Wash. A noisome cloud enveloped Baby C while clean up efforts were under way, and the clean up crew (aka: Twindaddy) is being checked by medics for chemical inhalation.

Thankfully, we are able to report only minor injuries at this time, which include 2nd degree diaper rash and singed nose hairs. Baby C is in good spirits tonight, but his father seems to have suffered some sort of psychological trauma, and counselors have been made available for him.

Authorities are still gathering evidence in an attempt to deduce the materials used to create this weapon, but it is currently believed that lactose was sneaked into Baby C’s digestive system, causing an irreversible chain reaction resulting in the explosion.

I was able to get an exclusive interview with Baby C just after the excremental explosion. When informed what had just happened, Baby C had this to say: “Sorry, Daddy.”

There is nothing further to report at this time, but we will keep you abreast as events warrant. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

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About Twindaddy (330 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

115 Comments on Breaking News

  1. Here we call that a “number 3” or a “poo-plosion”. My condolences. At least you weren’t in the car at the time.
    PS I like being kept abreast of issues.

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  2. hahaha, feculent! My middle spawn was expert level at feculent fiascos described herein. It was uncanny, really. Good luck with it, sir! As an aside, boy the crap that passes for news nowadays…

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  3. Reading this, I think I just had the exact same problem. Funniest thing I have read, well, possibly ever. I think I now have a very real crush on you. I know you’re a dude and all (I think you’re a dude), but I wish I had written this (not so clever, Trent), because I had crap on my hands just twenty minutes ago. It was not a pretty sight. War is hell.

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  4. hahaha!! so funny!! cute little stuph and his dad’s quite the trooper.

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  5. Ewwww…..hope the paint on the walls didn’t peel!!

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  6. You don’t wipe babies with TP, silly girl.

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  7. Oh man… one of my kids had a blowout right as I was watching my groceries get scanned at a supermarket once… wet and squishy and shooting right out of both sides of the diaper as I held her in one arm. I had to go to the car to clean her up and change her, so I had to have them put all the groceries aside. As I stood there with it dripping off my arm onto the floor and puddeling at my feet, I looked at the checkout guy and said the only thing I could think of… Clean up on isle three…

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  8. We can’t let al-Qaida get ahold of this technology….

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  9. Oh my. I totally feel your pain. The worst blow out we’ve had so far was the one where he woke us up holding his (very clean) diaper over the baby gate – waving it to and fro. (Thinking back – maybe he was trying to wave the white flag.) At any rate, when I rounded the corner I believe I said, “Oh no” in several different languages and volumes with matching faces for each utterance. He had pooped….everywhere. Most of it was in one big giant pile on the floor, the rest splattered on every toy in the vicinity. All I can say is thank goodness it was time to clean out the toys anyway to make room for Christmas toys.

    Love the way you reported your story. Keep up the good work! 😉

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  10. Feculent…Bwahaha. Glad everyone survived the WMD.

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  11. This should be Freshly Pressed. I think every parent is all too familiar with the poop nuke. I feel for you.

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  12. Umm…thanks for the update, but seriously, no further news flashes on this topic are necessary until the one year anniversary of this tragedy.
    Thanks in advance.

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  13. Have the governor already declared the state of emergency? And should we evacuate here on the East Coast?

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  14. Ok, you just cured me of missing my babies being babies. I’m good. Carry on, you’re work here is done. Take a shower first though. K. Bye …

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  15. Ahhhh, what a sweetie. I’m sorry. : ( : ) Yet, still a load of shit. : ) Very cute.

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  16. My Muted Voice // January 14, 2014 at 3:40 am // Reply

    Haha….this was too funny. Luckily, I haven’t had anything too nuclear yet, not since he was an infant. But, instead he chooses to bless us with going 5-6 times a day. Blegh.

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  17. Hahahahaha…explosive shits never really get old and lord knows they make for a hilarious story (mostly when it’s happening to someone else). Hope everything has settled down.

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  18. Jolie Michele // January 14, 2014 at 5:49 am // Reply

    I don’t think my life would have been complete without this poop-anecdote. Poor bebe with the diaper rash though. 😦 & maybe poor daddy for having to be the cleanup crew. Maybe.

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  19. Would it be too much if I said that this is a really shitty thing to have happen, and that you shouldn’t have to put up with crap like this?

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  20. This made my day. Epic, on every level 🙂 😉

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  21. Yeah. Great. I’m scarred for life, methinks.

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  22. If we fixed the news, then we wouldn’t want to break them, and the media would be out of work.
    My condolences, sympathy, wipes and cookies TD. Hope you recover shortly and well from the ordeal.

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  23. You are such a talented writer. This was absolutely hilarious! The Little Prince has been having explosions like this recently… Oh my. The mess. Everywhere. Run for your lives!!! 😉

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  24. Perhaps it was a terrorist attack on our “Pampered” youth.

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  25. Poor TD. Poor Baby C. Hope all is back to normal now.

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  26. I loved this post when I first read it. I do a regular post on my blog called “Freshly Impressed” where I highlight a couple of posts I really enjoyed. I was wondering if you would be okay with me featuring this one? (all credits etc go to you).

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  27. Very funny! Reminds me of 24 years ago one particular diaper malfunction combined with a stroller malfunction, new mother, and baby completely covered in poop… NOW it’s funny, didn’t think so at the time!

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  28. L.M.A.O 🙂 🙂 – That happens to me often! LOL! But I never thought of writing about it in such a creative manner.

    Like

3 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. On This Day, Three Years Ago… | Stuphblog
  2. Freshly Impressed #11 | My thoughts on a page.
  3. It’s Potty Time! | TD421

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