This is a breaking news report from the Imperial News Network. (Aside: News is always breaking. Why does no one ever fix the news?)
Authorities have confirmed the detonation of a fecal weapon (aka: dirty bomb) in Baby C’s diaper at approximately 7:24PM this evening. Debris from the blast shot through every possible opening in the diaper and released toxic fumes into the surrounding areas, sending residents into hiding and, in some cases, fleeing the scene entirely.
The diaper is a complete loss and cannot be salvaged. There was extensive damage to the trousers, mostly cosmetic in nature. Tide has assured Baby C the pants can be restored to their original condition. The shirt escaped damage.
Clean up efforts were grueling. Half a tub of wipes had to be shipped in to remove the feculent debris. The rest was removed using a mixture of hot water and Johnson’s Baby Wash. A noisome cloud enveloped Baby C while clean up efforts were under way, and the clean up crew (aka: Twindaddy) is being checked by medics for chemical inhalation.
Thankfully, we are able to report only minor injuries at this time, which include 2nd degree diaper rash and singed nose hairs. Baby C is in good spirits tonight, but his father seems to have suffered some sort of psychological trauma, and counselors have been made available for him.
Authorities are still gathering evidence in an attempt to deduce the materials used to create this weapon, but it is currently believed that lactose was sneaked into Baby C’s digestive system, causing an irreversible chain reaction resulting in the explosion.
I was able to get an exclusive interview with Baby C just after the excremental explosion. When informed what had just happened, Baby C had this to say: “Sorry, Daddy.”
There is nothing further to report at this time, but we will keep you abreast as events warrant. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.