This is a breaking news report from the Imperial News Network. (Aside: News is always breaking. Why does no one ever fix the news?)
Authorities have confirmed the detonation of a fecal weapon (aka: dirty bomb) in Baby C’s diaper at approximately 7:24PM this evening. Debris from the blast shot through every possible opening in the diaper and released toxic fumes into the surrounding areas, sending residents into hiding and, in some cases, fleeing the scene entirely.
The diaper is a complete loss and cannot be salvaged. There was extensive damage to the trousers, mostly cosmetic in nature. Tide has assured Baby C the pants can be restored to their original condition. The shirt escaped damage.
Clean up efforts were grueling. Half a tub of wipes had to be shipped in to remove the feculent debris. The rest was removed using a mixture of hot water and Johnson’s Baby Wash. A noisome cloud enveloped Baby C while clean up efforts were under way, and the clean up crew (aka: Twindaddy) is being checked by medics for chemical inhalation.
Thankfully, we are able to report only minor injuries at this time, which include 2nd degree diaper rash and singed nose hairs. Baby C is in good spirits tonight, but his father seems to have suffered some sort of psychological trauma, and counselors have been made available for him.
Authorities are still gathering evidence in an attempt to deduce the materials used to create this weapon, but it is currently believed that lactose was sneaked into Baby C’s digestive system, causing an irreversible chain reaction resulting in the explosion.
I was able to get an exclusive interview with Baby C just after the excremental explosion. When informed what had just happened, Baby C had this to say: “Sorry, Daddy.”
There is nothing further to report at this time, but we will keep you abreast as events warrant. We will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.
Mental Defecation 
Here we call that a “number 3” or a “poo-plosion”. My condolences. At least you weren’t in the car at the time.
PS I like being kept abreast of issues.
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I thought you might. Seriously, the Defcon should have been adjusted after that.
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hahaha, feculent! My middle spawn was expert level at feculent fiascos described herein. It was uncanny, really. Good luck with it, sir! As an aside, boy the crap that passes for news nowadays…
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Right? They’ll interrupt my shows for any stupid news…
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Oh boo… but funny.
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Reading this, I think I just had the exact same problem. Funniest thing I have read, well, possibly ever. I think I now have a very real crush on you. I know you’re a dude and all (I think you’re a dude), but I wish I had written this (not so clever, Trent), because I had crap on my hands just twenty minutes ago. It was not a pretty sight. War is hell.
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It was…nasty. That’s all I have to say about that.
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Any face? Please don’t say face. I had a wee bit of face. I had to wait until the job was done to clean er up.
Crike, I don’t think I can have another kid. Like really.
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No. None on the face, but the changing table had to be decontaminated.
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Cloth or disposable?
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Disposable. Thanks gawd.
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Cloth here. They leak. And open at the drop of a hat. Life is cruel.
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Ew…I couldn’t do that.
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My wife is a hippie. Or a hippie-wannabee.
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I get trying to save the environment, but I have to draw the line somewhere…
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The funny thing is, I’m the one in the environmental profession, and I am totally okay with disposable diapers. Sigh.
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Ha!
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hahaha!! so funny!! cute little stuph and his dad’s quite the trooper.
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I should be in line for a promotion after this catastrophe!
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ahhahaha! like father like son! did you at least have TP this time??!
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Ewwww…..hope the paint on the walls didn’t peel!!
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It wouldn’t have surprised me to find out that was the case.
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You don’t wipe babies with TP, silly girl.
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Because baby shit only dissolves mere TP, leaving you with a smeared mess no closer to ‘clean’ than you started.
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Ah, the eloquence of Rants. Thank you for explaining that, my friend.
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Cause ew.
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Oh man… one of my kids had a blowout right as I was watching my groceries get scanned at a supermarket once… wet and squishy and shooting right out of both sides of the diaper as I held her in one arm. I had to go to the car to clean her up and change her, so I had to have them put all the groceries aside. As I stood there with it dripping off my arm onto the floor and puddeling at my feet, I looked at the checkout guy and said the only thing I could think of… Clean up on isle three…
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I’m sure he loved that.
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He did… but he didn’t have to clean it up…
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Lucky him.
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Some poor underpaid schmuck did.
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We can’t let al-Qaida get ahold of this technology….
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No. That would be our doom.
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Oh my. I totally feel your pain. The worst blow out we’ve had so far was the one where he woke us up holding his (very clean) diaper over the baby gate – waving it to and fro. (Thinking back – maybe he was trying to wave the white flag.) At any rate, when I rounded the corner I believe I said, “Oh no” in several different languages and volumes with matching faces for each utterance. He had pooped….everywhere. Most of it was in one big giant pile on the floor, the rest splattered on every toy in the vicinity. All I can say is thank goodness it was time to clean out the toys anyway to make room for Christmas toys.
Love the way you reported your story. Keep up the good work! 😉
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Oh man. I can’t even imagine. Than Gawd I’ve never had to deal with that.
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Well to be honest – if we played the lesser of two evils game, I’m not sure either of us would come out the winner… lol
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No. This is a situation where everyone loses, sadly.
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Feculent…Bwahaha. Glad everyone survived the WMD.
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It was a close call, for sure.
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This should be Freshly Pressed. I think every parent is all too familiar with the poop nuke. I feel for you.
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It’s a harrowing experience for all involved.
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Umm…thanks for the update, but seriously, no further news flashes on this topic are necessary until the one year anniversary of this tragedy.
Thanks in advance.
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You’re right. The reminders would just hurt those involved.
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Have the governor already declared the state of emergency? And should we evacuate here on the East Coast?
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Hazmat teams have indicated that the fumes from the blast will cause only superficial damage, so residents have not been asked to evacuated at this time.
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Ok, you just cured me of missing my babies being babies. I’m good. Carry on, you’re work here is done. Take a shower first though. K. Bye …
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Lol. You know you love it.
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Ahhhh, what a sweetie. I’m sorry. : ( : ) Yet, still a load of shit. : ) Very cute.
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The best part of it was his reaction. He really did apologize for pooping.
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Haha….this was too funny. Luckily, I haven’t had anything too nuclear yet, not since he was an infant. But, instead he chooses to bless us with going 5-6 times a day. Blegh.
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That’s worse, I think.
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Yep. Me too.
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It’s like a series of small terrorist attacks.
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That’s an excellent description! 🙂
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Sadly, yes.
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Hahahahaha…explosive shits never really get old and lord knows they make for a hilarious story (mostly when it’s happening to someone else). Hope everything has settled down.
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Yes. ONLY when it has happened to someone else.
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I don’t think my life would have been complete without this poop-anecdote. Poor bebe with the diaper rash though. 😦 & maybe poor daddy for having to be the cleanup crew. Maybe.
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Maybe? Had I known your sympathy would be so tough to get I would have taken pictures. You would definitely feel sorry for me then.
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Hehe, I have been there, I know well enough. I was just being snarky. 😉
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Pfft. That’s just rude.
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Oh come now, don’t be so sensitive. Silly.
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I’m not. I’m just playing my role really well. 😉
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LOL you douchcanoe. 😛
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Yup yup.
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Would it be too much if I said that this is a really shitty thing to have happen, and that you shouldn’t have to put up with crap like this?
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Not at all. I concur. Like a motherfucking doctor.
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This made my day. Epic, on every level 🙂 😉
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Thanks! My pain is your pleasure.
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I have been there, done that, and had my eyeballs almost permanently scarred. This is where wearing glasses came in handy 😉
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Lol. My glasses are only for reading, so not wearing them didn’t really lessen the visual horror.
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Haha, no wearing my glasses most definitely worsened the visual horror, but they at least acted like a poor shield from the fumes rising towards my eyeballs. My nose hairs have never been the same though…
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Oh…it was awful. I literally choked.
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LOL, yes, I remember when I discovered there was such a thing as projectile POOP as well as vomit. Parenting. Fun times.
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Yeah. Great. I’m scarred for life, methinks.
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Poop shoot.
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Shot it across the ROOM.
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If we fixed the news, then we wouldn’t want to break them, and the media would be out of work.
My condolences, sympathy, wipes and cookies TD. Hope you recover shortly and well from the ordeal.
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I’m having flashbacks…
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Cookies! Brownies! Coffee (or coffeh, you’ll probably choose the later, yeah?)!
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Well, I just finished my coffeh. And cookies or brownies would work splendidly. Especially if they are of the “special” variety.
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As in containing shnorbits?
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Um…I’m unsure what those are.
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Like this: chocolate has shnorbits. But spinach, if you don’t like it, doesn’t.
What did you mean, then?
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Marijuana, of course. Goofy.
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Oh.
No, I can’t make you cookies with that without being put in jail. Sorry.
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It’s okay, I was kidding anyway. Never touched the stuph.
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All right then^^
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I just ruined this thread, didn’t I?
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I don’t think so…did you? I was the one who brought up jail.
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*lost again*
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*hands out a map and a cookie*
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COOKEH!
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You are such a talented writer. This was absolutely hilarious! The Little Prince has been having explosions like this recently… Oh my. The mess. Everywhere. Run for your lives!!! 😉
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Thank you! And they are DREADFUL, aren’t they??
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Dreadful, yes, that’s the perfect word. They fill one with dread.
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Among other things.
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No, the rest just gets on your hands… and, face.
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*hurls*
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Hey, don’t do that. You might start a chain reaction!!
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Perhaps it was a terrorist attack on our “Pampered” youth.
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Clever.
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You expected any less?
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Of course not.
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Yikes!
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It was…catastrophic.
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I’ve been there, buddy. Yuck.
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Poor TD. Poor Baby C. Hope all is back to normal now.
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We have recovered, thank you.
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Glad to hear it.
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I loved this post when I first read it. I do a regular post on my blog called “Freshly Impressed” where I highlight a couple of posts I really enjoyed. I was wondering if you would be okay with me featuring this one? (all credits etc go to you).
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Absolutely! Thanks!
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That’s great thank you so much. I love humour and I really laughed at this post, as any parent would. Some memories never fade!
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Not even if you want them to.
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Very funny! Reminds me of 24 years ago one particular diaper malfunction combined with a stroller malfunction, new mother, and baby completely covered in poop… NOW it’s funny, didn’t think so at the time!
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It’s never funny when it first happens.
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L.M.A.O 🙂 🙂 – That happens to me often! LOL! But I never thought of writing about it in such a creative manner.
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Thanks! I’m hoping to end these occurrences soon.
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