[Editor’s Note: The Virtual Bitch-Slap is something which was concocted by Samara and I. We created the Virtual Bitch-Slap because some people are just too far away to justify the travel expenses that would be incurred simply to slap the shit out of someone. This idea is meant to be a playful tool used amongst bloggers, but I have something else in mind for it today…]

When I was growing up, I remember seeing a series of Maytag commercials littered among all of the different programs I watched. The commercials featured a Maytag repair man (and sometimes his partner who I seem to recall was an idiot) who was lonely and bored because Maytags never break down, thus they never require repair.

As a teen I would watch these commercials and wonder to myself, “Why do they have Maytag repair men if they aren’t needed?” Of course, I’m always very critical of commercials because I hate them with an inexplicable passion. Oh, well. We all have our foibles.

Three years ago my (then) wife and I bought a Maytag washer and dryer set from The Home Depot (pronounced by Revis as Home de Pot [get your pot here!!]). After three years of owning these appliances, I simply must say…

Gordon Jump as the Maytag repairman
Maybe he’s bored because people don’t trust Maytag after their products fail so spectacularly after purchase. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


For some time the machine hasn’t agitated while the wash cycle is running. Then, the spin cycle quit working. So, my washing machine, for all intents and purposes, became a soaking machine. We had to wring out the clothes by hand once the “washer” was finished because the clothes were dripping wet. And of course the machine only had a one year warranty on it.

So today a repair man (from Sears, not Maytag because fuck those guys) came and replaced an actuator that was essentially a switch for the motor to go from agitate to spin. Or something. That’s what I got out of his explanation. I know how to operate washers, not how they work. Anyhow, I had to drop $240 to get my washer working again, which is more than half of what we paid for it. What a crock.

So it is with mock-enthusiasm that I present Maytag with the first ever Virtual Bitch-Slap.

virtual bitch slap

Fuck you, Maytag. I hope you felt that.

*If you wish to use the Virtual Bitch-Slap by all means do, please give credit, though.