My Awkward Morning

Why, yes, I had an awkward morning. What? Tell you all about it? I suppose I can do that….

*scene dissolves to this morning*

It was a normal Tuesday morning. Was, being the operative word. The twins were actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. Baby C was actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. I was actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. In short, things were going too smoothly. I should have known that fate had other plans in store for me.

I loaded all the fruits of my loins into my compact little car. I coasted down the street to my mother’s house to drop off Baby C. I had to unlock the door because my mom works a part-time job at night and she frequently sleeps through her alarm. She also frequently sleeps through me incessantly knocking on the front door, which is why I now have a key.

I unlocked the door and found her fluffy little dog jumping up at down and silently screaming that she really needed to go out to do her business. I clipped her to the leash my mom has staked to a pole on her front porch and then followed Baby C into my mother’s room so he could wake up his grandma. Once she was alert, I gathered love from Baby C so I could get the twins to school on time. After we had gone through our routine (I love you, Baby C. Love you, Daddy!  Be a good boy for Grandma. Be good boy! Liar.) I headed to the front door.

When I opened the front door my mom’s little fluffy dog bumbled rambunctiously inside. I knelt down to unclip the leash from her collar and that, dear Maphia, is when my day went to shit.

R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rip!

No, dear Maphia, that sound was not a noxious explosion of gas forcefully escaping my ass. It was the sound of the inseam of my jeans ripping right in the crotch, and that was much worse.

Suddenly, cold air started rushing into my pants because permeation, and my, um, manly bits became quite cold. Just what I needed. Sigh…

I immediately thought of going right back to my house and changing, but that would have taken too much time and I couldn’t have gotten the twins to school on time. So I decided to drop the twins off and stop at the Wal-Mart I passed every day on my way to work and pick up a new pair of jeans.

Walking through Wal-Mart with a gaping hole in the crotch of my pants was quite an ordeal. I felt incredibly vulnerable and like everyone in the place was staring at me. I felt like they all knew why I was there and were inwardly laughing at me. Luckily, there was hardly anyone there since it was 8 in the morning. I also felt like the cashier was judging me for going through the check out with nothing but a pair of pants. Somehow, I just knew she had noticed the hole in my crotch and deduced why I was purchasing those jeans.

Once I had picked out, paid for, and clumsily changed into my new jeans in a paltry stall in the public restroom at the front of Wal-Mart (which was an assload of fun, by the way) I decided to stop at the McDonald’s in front of Wal-Mart because hungry. I was only 10 minutes late thus far and the line at the drive-thru was negligible. I was only 5 minutes away from work so I figured, “What’s another couple of minutes late?”

I should have known better.

I got in line and sat there. And sat there. And sat there some more. Then, I finally…sat there longer. Eventually, after two eternities and an eon, I made it through the drive-thru with two Sausage McMuffins. I scurried off to work and ate my sandwiches while I drove.

When I finally walked into my office I was 40 minutes late. If I do the math (and I will) that means I was stuck in the drive-thru for 25 minutes, which is ridiculous. It’s all the more so when the establishment is allegedly a fast food restaurant.

Fuck you, McDonald’s.

So, yes, dear Maphia, my morning was awkward and sucky. How was your Tuesday morning?


-Please don’t forget about the Tag Line Contest going on currently. You can check it out here.
-Also, don’t forget about the fundraiser for my BFFL Merry. If you missed it you can see what it’s all about here.
*All images courtesy of giphy.com.

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About Twindaddy (328 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

77 Comments on My Awkward Morning

  1. I’m sorry your morning went to shit. But OMG I am so glad you blogged about it. I am laughing so hard right now!

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  2. My morning started at 1:30 when I bolted awake sure I had missed my alarm, only to realize it was 1:30 and I could go back to sleep… only to repeat the whole process at 3:30… at which point I just stayed awake until my alarm went off at 4… hey, if I’m awake, I won’t miss it. Good plan. Works every time.

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  3. You had to walk of shame it through Walmart. . .I swear I’m not laughing. I swear.

    I lie as bad as Baby C.

    Were the sausage sandwiches worth the wait? I mean. . .was McDonald’s on top of its game at least today?

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  4. Dang. I hope you had a better afternoon!

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  5. Yeah, I know. I didn’t have much choice, really. It was either that or work all day with a huge hole in my pants.

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  6. Any day that includes Walmart can’t be good. Especially when a breeze is blowing.

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  7. UGH. I’ve had mornings like that. Well, sort of like that. Mine aren’t typically as funny to retell. *grins*

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  8. Great fun post for those of us reading it. Was there a moment in your day when you thought, “at least I have a post for tonight?”

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  9. Glad I peed before I read this..hahahaha. ahem. Hope Baby C is feeling better.

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  10. I blew out two pairs of jeans while bowling back in the day. Not much you can do in the middle of league unless you want to go home. I just tied my jacket around my waist to help cover the scene and ignored the fact that it made me look like a girl…

    I also once sat in a Mickey Dee’s drive thru for 30 minutes in the middle of the night as they took my order, took my money, then prompty forgot I was out there and went to the backroom to listen to their loud music It took another customer finally coming through for them to notice their oversight….

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  11. Next time you go into Walmart with ripped jeans, own it.
    Smile at everyone, nod, let them know that “hell yes, I’m half naked, and the world is a better place for it!”.

    You’ll have a lot more fun.
    (Trust me. This is the voice of experience.)

    My day sucked. I was at work.

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  12. That sucks. But it worked out okay in the end, right, even being a bit late to work? My morning was cold. They are all cold and dark, but I got to go with my little girl to her school and she showed me the work she does there. It was awesome.

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  13. Bad days suck. New pants rule!

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  14. Sorry you had a shitty Tuesday, but it was fun to read!

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  15. Well, if you park in the drive way, why did you think you wouldn’t be parked in the drive-thru?
    Hope today will be better.

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  16. Embarrassed in Walmart? Is that even possible? Even with a hole in your crotch I’m sure you looked like you stepped off the cover of GQ in that hot mess of a store. We can’t discuss the drive thru wait … way to many bad memories will surface. Hope the rest of the day was smooth sailing!

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  17. Fruit of your loins is super-descriptive. A bulls-eye that you should patent straight away.

    Last month I was walking down 6th Avenue in a snowstorm and the sole of my boot, literally, detached, flew off and landed about 15 feet in front of me. A thin layer of leather separated my sock from the wet, cold Manhattan sidewalk. I hobbled into the nearest shoe store which, thankfully, was just a block away. I don’t want to tell you how much it costs to impulse-purchase a pair of boots in the middle of NYC. I’m still paying for them. But my feet were warm and dry.

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  18. If it makes you feel better, I have never been to a Wal-Mart store and not seen at least five people with gaping holes in the crotch of their pants… so…

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  19. 😳 Oh jeez. It is COLD. I bet your manly bits froze a bit.

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  20. In my fast food experience, it’s never fast. The In-n-Outs out here… even though I don’t eat anything there… has so many cars around drive through that it literally backs into the freeway. It’s nuts!

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  21. When my sister got married, my brother-in-law had two best men, his brother and a mate who is a bloke who is rather, shall we say, well proportioned. Getting into the car to go to the church, the mate twisted awkwardly and ripped the crotch seam of the pants in his hired suit. Fortunately it was the stitching not the fabric which had given way, so once emergency safety pins had been sourced, he at least looked decent.

    25 mins at a drive through should be illegal, and you should also get compensation for your time if you ask me!

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  22. I have also had to walk through Walmart with the crotch of my pants split open & a sweater tied around my waist! So embarrassing, but funny to look back on!

    Like

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