Why, yes, I had an awkward morning. What? Tell you all about it? I suppose I can do that….
*scene dissolves to this morning*
It was a normal Tuesday morning. Was, being the operative word. The twins were actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. Baby C was actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. I was actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. In short, things were going too smoothly. I should have known that fate had other plans in store for me.
I loaded all the fruits of my loins into my compact little car. I coasted down the street to my mother’s house to drop off Baby C. I had to unlock the door because my mom works a part-time job at night and she frequently sleeps through her alarm. She also frequently sleeps through me incessantly knocking on the front door, which is why I now have a key.
I unlocked the door and found her fluffy little dog jumping up at down and silently screaming that she really needed to go out to do her business. I clipped her to the leash my mom has staked to a pole on her front porch and then followed Baby C into my mother’s room so he could wake up his grandma. Once she was alert, I gathered love from Baby C so I could get the twins to school on time. After we had gone through our routine (I love you, Baby C. Love you, Daddy! Be a good boy for Grandma. Be good boy! Liar.) I headed to the front door.
When I opened the front door my mom’s little fluffy dog bumbled rambunctiously inside. I knelt down to unclip the leash from her collar and that, dear Maphia, is when my day went to shit.
R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rip!
No, dear Maphia, that sound was not a noxious explosion of gas forcefully escaping my ass. It was the sound of the inseam of my jeans ripping right in the crotch, and that was much worse.
Suddenly, cold air started rushing into my pants because permeation, and my, um, manly bits became quite cold. Just what I needed. Sigh…
I immediately thought of going right back to my house and changing, but that would have taken too much time and I couldn’t have gotten the twins to school on time. So I decided to drop the twins off and stop at the Wal-Mart I passed every day on my way to work and pick up a new pair of jeans.
Walking through Wal-Mart with a gaping hole in the crotch of my pants was quite an ordeal. I felt incredibly vulnerable and like everyone in the place was staring at me. I felt like they all knew why I was there and were inwardly laughing at me. Luckily, there was hardly anyone there since it was 8 in the morning. I also felt like the cashier was judging me for going through the check out with nothing but a pair of pants. Somehow, I just knew she had noticed the hole in my crotch and deduced why I was purchasing those jeans.
Once I had picked out, paid for, and clumsily changed into my new jeans in a paltry stall in the public restroom at the front of Wal-Mart (which was an assload of fun, by the way) I decided to stop at the McDonald’s in front of Wal-Mart because hungry. I was only 10 minutes late thus far and the line at the drive-thru was negligible. I was only 5 minutes away from work so I figured, “What’s another couple of minutes late?”
I got in line and sat there. And sat there. And sat there some more. Then, I finally…sat there longer. Eventually, after two eternities and an eon, I made it through the drive-thru with two Sausage McMuffins. I scurried off to work and ate my sandwiches while I drove.
When I finally walked into my office I was 40 minutes late. If I do the math (and I will) that means I was stuck in the drive-thru for 25 minutes, which is ridiculous. It’s all the more so when the establishment is allegedly a fast food restaurant.
So, yes, dear Maphia, my morning was awkward and sucky. How was your Tuesday morning?
-Please don’t forget about the Tag Line Contest going on currently. You can check it out here.
-Also, don’t forget about the fundraiser for my BFFL Merry. If you missed it you can see what it’s all about here.
*All images courtesy of giphy.com.
I’m sorry your morning went to shit. But OMG I am so glad you blogged about it. I am laughing so hard right now!
LikeLike
You’re welcome.
LikeLike
My morning started at 1:30 when I bolted awake sure I had missed my alarm, only to realize it was 1:30 and I could go back to sleep… only to repeat the whole process at 3:30… at which point I just stayed awake until my alarm went off at 4… hey, if I’m awake, I won’t miss it. Good plan. Works every time.
LikeLike
Ugh. That’s a shitty morning, too.
LikeLike
I think you still win.
LikeLike
You had to walk of shame it through Walmart. . .I swear I’m not laughing. I swear.
I lie as bad as Baby C.
Were the sausage sandwiches worth the wait? I mean. . .was McDonald’s on top of its game at least today?
LikeLike
They were decent, but not worth the 25 minutes I had to wait for them.
LikeLike
I can’t imagine any McDonald’s food being worth that kind of wait. Except hot french fries. I always catch those suckers when they are cold.
LikeLike
I rarely eat at McDonald’s if they’re not serving breakfast.
LikeLike
I hate their breakfast. I go for the frappes. I could really use a frappe. Mocha yumminess. My Life Sucks post is live. Yay.
LikeLike
Frappes are definitely good.
LikeLike
Dang. I hope you had a better afternoon!
LikeLike
Not really. Had to leave work early to take Baby C to the doctor. Poor little guy has an ear infection.
LikeLike
ugh! well, it’s time to go to bed and wake up to a new day. with new pants!
LikeLike
I just had some ice cream. I’m feeling better.
LikeLike
see. all better. i need to get me some stat.
LikeLike
Indeed.
LikeLike
Bawhahahaha!!! To add to it has anyone ever mentioned to you never to wear a new article of clothing until you wash it?
My friend worked in a clothing store and the things she saw…well let me say they would make you puke and never want to wear new until washed again.
LikeLike
Yeah, I know. I didn’t have much choice, really. It was either that or work all day with a huge hole in my pants.
LikeLike
To say the least.
LikeLike
Thanks…
LikeLike
Hahahaha! Too funny.
LikeLike
Yeah. Sigh…
LikeLike
That it did.
LikeLike
Any day that includes Walmart can’t be good. Especially when a breeze is blowing.
LikeLike
And, man, was it cold.
LikeLike
At least it wasn’t a blizzard. Although that might have obstructed the view.
LikeLike
And possibly cause frostbite in the worst place imaginable.
LikeLike
UGH. I’ve had mornings like that. Well, sort of like that. Mine aren’t typically as funny to retell. *grins*
LikeLike
I bet they’re funny to other people.
LikeLike
Great fun post for those of us reading it. Was there a moment in your day when you thought, “at least I have a post for tonight?”
LikeLike
Ha! Actually I wasn’t going to blog about it at all because embarrassing. But then I thought, “Eh, screw it.”
LikeLike
Glad I peed before I read this..hahahaha. ahem. Hope Baby C is feeling better.
LikeLike
He’s still quite cranky, but hopefully he’ll be on the mend in a couple days after the antibiotics kick in.
LikeLike
I blew out two pairs of jeans while bowling back in the day. Not much you can do in the middle of league unless you want to go home. I just tied my jacket around my waist to help cover the scene and ignored the fact that it made me look like a girl…
I also once sat in a Mickey Dee’s drive thru for 30 minutes in the middle of the night as they took my order, took my money, then prompty forgot I was out there and went to the backroom to listen to their loud music It took another customer finally coming through for them to notice their oversight….
LikeLike
Ugh. Frickin’ McDonald’s….
LikeLike
I rarely eat there anymore. They’ve totally gone to hell lately…
LikeLike
So I found out.
LikeLike
Next time you go into Walmart with ripped jeans, own it.
Smile at everyone, nod, let them know that “hell yes, I’m half naked, and the world is a better place for it!”.
You’ll have a lot more fun.
(Trust me. This is the voice of experience.)
My day sucked. I was at work.
LikeLike
I’m not as confident (or drunk) as you are, Guap. 😉
LikeLike
Put the smile on and no one will ever know!
LikeLike
True enough!
LikeLike
That sucks. But it worked out okay in the end, right, even being a bit late to work? My morning was cold. They are all cold and dark, but I got to go with my little girl to her school and she showed me the work she does there. It was awesome.
LikeLike
That sounds much for fun than having a hole in your pants right next to your junk.
LikeLike
A little ventilation can be refreshing, no?
LikeLike
Not when it’s 15 degrees outside.
LikeLike
Dude, talk to me when you get to -15 outside. That’s when we put on our socks.
LikeLike
Dude, 15F is -10C. Close enough. My balls weren’t ready for that.
LikeLike
Bad days suck. New pants rule!
LikeLike
Indeed.
LikeLike
Sorry you had a shitty Tuesday, but it was fun to read!
LikeLike
Yay! Wait…
LikeLike
Well, if you park in the drive way, why did you think you wouldn’t be parked in the drive-thru?
Hope today will be better.
LikeLike
I made the mistake of thinking a short line meant that I’d quickly make it through. That won’t be happening again…
LikeLike
Embarrassed in Walmart? Is that even possible? Even with a hole in your crotch I’m sure you looked like you stepped off the cover of GQ in that hot mess of a store. We can’t discuss the drive thru wait … way to many bad memories will surface. Hope the rest of the day was smooth sailing!
LikeLike
Sadly, no…
LikeLike
Fruit of your loins is super-descriptive. A bulls-eye that you should patent straight away.
Last month I was walking down 6th Avenue in a snowstorm and the sole of my boot, literally, detached, flew off and landed about 15 feet in front of me. A thin layer of leather separated my sock from the wet, cold Manhattan sidewalk. I hobbled into the nearest shoe store which, thankfully, was just a block away. I don’t want to tell you how much it costs to impulse-purchase a pair of boots in the middle of NYC. I’m still paying for them. But my feet were warm and dry.
LikeLike
I don’t want to know how much you paid for those shoes, but I’m sure it was worth it.
LikeLike
At the time I would have paid pretty much anything. I damn near did, come to think of it. I’m lucky there’s a shoe store ever other block in Manhattan. And a Starbucks.
LikeLike
You never know when either place could rescue you.
LikeLike
Word. Wanna guess where I’m sitting right now?
LikeLike
Oh! Oh! The shoe store! I knew it!
LikeLike
Oh! Oh! The shoe store! I knew it!
LikeLike
HA! That’s made me laugh! Well played, pal.
LikeLike
Woohoo!
LikeLike
If it makes you feel better, I have never been to a Wal-Mart store and not seen at least five people with gaping holes in the crotch of their pants… so…
LikeLike
Strangely, I don’t feel better about this at all.
LikeLike
Me neither…
LikeLike
😳 Oh jeez. It is COLD. I bet your manly bits froze a bit.
LikeLike
Yes. I ran back to the car.
LikeLike
I don’t blame you.
LikeLike
In my fast food experience, it’s never fast. The In-n-Outs out here… even though I don’t eat anything there… has so many cars around drive through that it literally backs into the freeway. It’s nuts!
LikeLike
Yikes.
LikeLike
When my sister got married, my brother-in-law had two best men, his brother and a mate who is a bloke who is rather, shall we say, well proportioned. Getting into the car to go to the church, the mate twisted awkwardly and ripped the crotch seam of the pants in his hired suit. Fortunately it was the stitching not the fabric which had given way, so once emergency safety pins had been sourced, he at least looked decent.
25 mins at a drive through should be illegal, and you should also get compensation for your time if you ask me!
LikeLike
I’m sure if I called to complain the most I’d get is a free meal…which I’d then have to wait for. Again.
LikeLike
True. I suggest a boycott. That’s one thing I dislike about the drive through. Once you’re in the queue, you can’t get out of it, because of the way the lane is made. Which really makes your plight worse than it could have been.
LikeLike
Yeah, once a car pulled up behind me I was screwed.
LikeLike
I have also had to walk through Walmart with the crotch of my pants split open & a sweater tied around my waist! So embarrassing, but funny to look back on!
LikeLike
I suppose it’s funny now. But at the moment the cold air assaulting my nether region made me feel extremely vulnerable.
LikeLike