My Awkward Morning

Why, yes, I had an awkward morning. What? Tell you all about it? I suppose I can do that….

*scene dissolves to this morning*

It was a normal Tuesday morning. Was, being the operative word. The twins were actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. Baby C was actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. I was actually ready to go when I said it was time to go. In short, things were going too smoothly. I should have known that fate had other plans in store for me.

I loaded all the fruits of my loins into my compact little car. I coasted down the street to my mother’s house to drop off Baby C. I had to unlock the door because my mom works a part-time job at night and she frequently sleeps through her alarm. She also frequently sleeps through me incessantly knocking on the front door, which is why I now have a key.

I unlocked the door and found her fluffy little dog jumping up at down and silently screaming that she really needed to go out to do her business. I clipped her to the leash my mom has staked to a pole on her front porch and then followed Baby C into my mother’s room so he could wake up his grandma. Once she was alert, I gathered love from Baby C so I could get the twins to school on time. After we had gone through our routine (I love you, Baby C. Love you, Daddy!  Be a good boy for Grandma. Be good boy! Liar.) I headed to the front door.

When I opened the front door my mom’s little fluffy dog bumbled rambunctiously inside. I knelt down to unclip the leash from her collar and that, dear Maphia, is when my day went to shit.

R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rip!

No, dear Maphia, that sound was not a noxious explosion of gas forcefully escaping my ass. It was the sound of the inseam of my jeans ripping right in the crotch, and that was much worse.

Suddenly, cold air started rushing into my pants because permeation, and my, um, manly bits became quite cold. Just what I needed. Sigh…

I immediately thought of going right back to my house and changing, but that would have taken too much time and I couldn’t have gotten the twins to school on time. So I decided to drop the twins off and stop at the Wal-Mart I passed every day on my way to work and pick up a new pair of jeans.

Walking through Wal-Mart with a gaping hole in the crotch of my pants was quite an ordeal. I felt incredibly vulnerable and like everyone in the place was staring at me. I felt like they all knew why I was there and were inwardly laughing at me. Luckily, there was hardly anyone there since it was 8 in the morning. I also felt like the cashier was judging me for going through the check out with nothing but a pair of pants. Somehow, I just knew she had noticed the hole in my crotch and deduced why I was purchasing those jeans.

Once I had picked out, paid for, and clumsily changed into my new jeans in a paltry stall in the public restroom at the front of Wal-Mart (which was an assload of fun, by the way) I decided to stop at the McDonald’s in front of Wal-Mart because hungry. I was only 10 minutes late thus far and the line at the drive-thru was negligible. I was only 5 minutes away from work so I figured, “What’s another couple of minutes late?”

I should have known better.

I got in line and sat there. And sat there. And sat there some more. Then, I finally…sat there longer. Eventually, after two eternities and an eon, I made it through the drive-thru with two Sausage McMuffins. I scurried off to work and ate my sandwiches while I drove.

When I finally walked into my office I was 40 minutes late. If I do the math (and I will) that means I was stuck in the drive-thru for 25 minutes, which is ridiculous. It’s all the more so when the establishment is allegedly a fast food restaurant.

Fuck you, McDonald’s.

So, yes, dear Maphia, my morning was awkward and sucky. How was your Tuesday morning?

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-Please don’t forget about the Tag Line Contest going on currently. You can check it out here.
-Also, don’t forget about the fundraiser for my BFFL Merry. If you missed it you can see what it’s all about here.
*All images courtesy of giphy.com.