Have you ever been arguing with someone and just wanted to force-choke that bitch because he or she just wasn’t getting it? Have you ever tried your best to talk someone into doing something and wished the you could just wave your hand and they’d absent-mindedly yield to your demands? Have you ever sat down on the couch and realized the remote is resting at the other end and wished you could just reach out with your hand it would magically levitate right into your outstretched hand?

As I was making the long commute home from work the other day, I become annoyed with the driver in front of me who was peddling his car far too slowly. I sorta have a lead foot. I have a need – a need for speed. I started to think, Man, if I had the force…and that’s when the light bulb in my head lit up. The hamster wheel was spinning with the hamster inside of it! The lights were on and somebody was home! My inner blogger squealed with joy as I had not only come up with a post idea, but an idea that could become a regular feature. I mean, surely after I think of the original list here I’ll come up with more.

It’s no secret that I’m a huge Star Wars nerd. Star Wars books compose the majority of my book collection. I have an entire wall in my living room dedicated to Star Wars memorabilia. I have four or five copies of “The Trilogy” (I’ve lost count…sigh) sitting atop my bookshelf. I have crafted my offspring into little Star Wars geeks. I dressed up as both Han Solo and Luke Skywalker for Halloween as a child. I used to turn the lights off in the basement and wave a flashlight around as if it were a lightsaber. My online persona is a stormtrooper. You get the point, I think. Doing this kind of post regularly fits into my need to induce laughter and satisfies my inner Star Wars geek.

So, here, without further ado (ado you hear what I hear?), is my inaugural list of 10 things I’d totally do if I had Jedi powers.

  1. I’d use the Force to manipulate the air flow while I’m changing one of Baby C’s diapers. My child is adorably cute, but his shit is incredibly rank.

    My nose hairs just ignited! The horror!
  2. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick to get my children to clean their rooms. I mean, I can get them to do it now, but not without yelling and having to goin there multiple times to point out the things they missed. And threaten bodily harm. Lots of threats are involved.

    You WILL clean your room. *waves hand*
  3. I’d use the Force to increase my metabolism. No explanation needed there, I think.
  4. I would quit showing up for work. Instead, I would sleep in every day and do all the other things I don’t get to do while working. I would then submit a time sheet for 40 hours and then use the Jedi Mind Trick on my boss to convince him I did work all the hours I turned in.

    These aren’t the excuses you’re looking for.
  5. I’d drive 100mph everywhere and use the Jedi Mind Trick on every cop who pulled me over to get out of the ticket.
  6. When some asshole cuts me off I’d use the Force to turn his/her steering wheel so that his/her car immediately went flying off the road.
  7. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick on the editor’s at WordPress so that every one of my posts is Freshly Pressed. Even this piece of crap.
  8. I’d use the Jedi Mind Trick on an entire orchestra to get them to follow me around everywhere I go while playing the Imperial March. Everyone needs their own theme song.
  9. I’d go to a baseball game and use the force to keep moving the ball around just to fuck with all the players.
  10. I would Force leap from half-court and stick a monster dunk, shaming Michael Jordan’s paltry effort from the foul line.

    Oh, you can dunk from the foul-line, huh? That’s cute.

That’s all my Jedi fun for this episode! Tune in next time to see what other inane things my brain will concoct for me to do if I somehow acquire Jedi powers.

Query: What nefarious crimes would you commit if you had Jedi abilities, meatbag? Answer the master or I shall blast you where you sit!