I’m pissed off, man. So pissed off, in fact, that I’ll be handing out the second ever Virtual Bitch Slap here on Stuphblog.

So, I’m a Cincinnati Bengals fan, as most of you know. Any of you that are NFL fans know that Boomer Esiason was one of the best quarterbacks in Bengals’ history. He took the team to the Superbowl and came within seconds of winning it. He is regarded highly by many Bengals fans, and by many NFL fans in general. His work in raising awareness and funds for Cystic Fibrosis has been spectacular, even if it is because his son, Gunnar, has been diagnosed with it.

I say all this so you know that I’m not taking on Boomer lightly. I had high regard for him until just a few minutes ago.

I’m a father, obviously. You can deduce that from my moniker. I was lucky enough to be able to take a month off from work when the twins were born because I had accumulated enough sick time and vacation time to do so. When Baby C was born I was able to take off two weeks to be with him. I had saved all of my vacation time to do so. I did this for a plethora of reasons. I wanted my children to know me. I wanted to bond with them. I wanted to hold them. Hug them. Kiss them. I wanted to help the women who carried my children, who both had c-sections and were on restrictions. The bottom line, though, is I wanted to be with my children.

New York Mets 2nd baseman Daniel Murphy, who I had never heard of until today, skipped opening day because his wife went into labor with their child. He then decided to take a paternity leave for the next two weeks so he could be with his family. I like him already.

Enter Boomer Esiason, who has his own radio talk show on CBS Sports. His cohost, Craig Carton, asked him about the situation. Carton stated, prior to asking Boomer about the paternity leave, that he didn’t see a good reason for Murphy to take a paternity leave if the wife and child made it through the birth in good health.

Then, Boomer, who has always been very opinionated, opened his insipid trap and uttered a string of inane bullshit which completely turned my opinion of him upside-down. “Bottom line, that’s not me,” said Esiason. Fair enough. Not everyone can or wants to take time off work. Then he continued. “I wouldn’t do that. Quite frankly, I would have said ‘C-section before the season starts. I need to be at Opening Day. I’m sorry, this is what makes our money, this is how we’re going to live our life, this is going to give my child every opportunity to be a success in life.’”


There is so much wrong with his way of thinking here that even Miley Cyrus thinks he’s stupid. First of all, doctors won’t normally perform a c-section unless it’s a medical necessity. You don’t get to just choose when your child comes. That’s up to your child. Secondly, taking two weeks off of work (that’s what the MLB is, a job) is not going to deprive Murphy’s child any opportunities for success in life. Thirdly, if you’re placing money before your child, you already suck as a father. Money is important, sure, but time is something you can never get back.

Boomer Esiason, you have lost my respect. Your comments reek of sexism. Like it’s the mother’s job to stay at home and take care of the child while the man goes off to work. Taking care of a newborn is not a fucking walk in the park. The child is up every two to three hours and needs to be fed and changed in that same span of time. An infant doesn’t just come right home from the hospital and sleep through the night. Your shortsighted and naïve comments are insulting to fathers like myself and Daniel Murphy who actually want to be a part of our children’s lives from the beginning and not just when they’re old enough to play sports.

The bottom line, in this situation anyhow, is that as a Major League Baseball player Daniel Murphy makes a good living and it makes sense for him to work while his wife stays home. That, however, doesn’t mean he should be crucified by assholes with big mouths and misguided opinions for wanting to take some time off to be with his wife and newborn child. Any good parent should understand this and accept it. The fact that Boomer doesn’t makes me question just how good of a father he really is.

So, for stupidity above and beyond the call of duty, I present Boomer the Virtual Bitch Slap.


I hope that fucking hurt, Boomer, you jacknutted douchetard. You deserve it.

*Here is video of Boomer’s idiotic comments, along with his buddy Carton saying some stupid shit, too.