Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Twindaddy

[Editor’s Note: Some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen on TV are the Comedy Central roasts. If you’re not familiar, a roast is when a “guest of honor” is insulted for hours on end by comedians and close friends. It’s all done in good fun, and I’ve yet to see one yet that didn’t leave my gut strained from laughter. So in the spirit of the roast, The Hook is here today to do his impression of a roast on me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as The Hook does his best Lisa Lampanelli impersonation. Oh, and my rebuttals are in parenthesis.]

Everyone’s favorite bellman, The Hook, here folks, with yet another “gift” for yet another cursed lucky blogger.

Although he has been an open book so far there are a few details concerning the legend of Twindaddy that have remained a mystery. Until now, that is.

1)  He may have sworn allegiance to the Empire publicly but Twindaddy’s heart will always belong to the franchise that speaks to him on a deeply spiritual level. His favorite Strawberry Shortcake character? Bitch Pudding, of course.

(I only eat Strawberry Shortcake with whipped cream. Infer from that what you will.)

2)  Every year, at the onset of the new television season, Twindaddy auditions to be Dr. Phil’s sidekick. And every year he walks away, his helmeted head hung in shame. Better luck next year, buddy.

(We all know Blunt Life Coach could do Dr. Phil’s job better. And in a more entertaining fashion.)

3)  His Rob Ford fan club went down in flames when he revealed his plans for a recruitment drive: Free bumper stickers that read “Honk if you love crack.”

(Seriously, who doesn’t love crack? Look what it did for Whitney Houston’s career. People are lying…)

4)  CBS had originally offered Letterman’s position to Twindaddy but the deal fell though when his list of demands expanded to include the following:

  • His choice of sidekick? Snooki.
  • Guest host? Steve Guttenberg.
  • His wardrobe? The signature helmet, of course – and nothing else.

(Okay, in my defense, Snooki is a wealth of comedic material. As is Steve Guttenberg. And…
blogging naked

…who doesn’t want to see this??)

5)  Twindaddy’s biography, Under the Helmet, due to be released next year by “Yes, We’re Serious!” Books, hits all the highs and lows of his existence, including his allegiance to the Kardashians and his mild burugudoyski soda addiction.

(I just had to Google burugudoyski soda and I’m still not sure what the hell it is.)

6)  He loves to sing Celine Dion tunes in the shower while wearing his helmet. Unfortunately, he has attempted to do so while in Celine Dion’s shower in her Vegas suite…

(Well she obviously wasn’t using it…)

7)  Despite reports to the contrary, he created the Heartbleed virus while building his Strawberry Shortcake fan fiction site.

(*waves hand* Everyone will like Strawberry Shortcake! With whipped cream, of course.)

8)  His choice to play him in the inevitable movie version of his life? Katherine Heigl. In his own words: “She is an underrated angel.”

(Actually, that’s a misquote. It should read “undertalented,” hence why I choose her.)

9)  They threw copious amounts of coin at him, but Twindaddy refused Playboy’s offer of a cover spot and a pictorial featuring his “Little Emperor” in all its “glory”. His official explanation?

“I hear some people have these things called ‘standards’, and so I’ve decided to try them on for size. Now, if a sophisticated periodical like Hustler came a callin’…”

(Seriously, have you read the articles on Hustler? Me either…)

10)  He’s a people person. Seriously. (Quit shaking your head, it’s the truth!)

(And by people person, he means “leave me the fuck alone.”)

My work here is done. I now return you to your regularly scheduled stuph…

About Twindaddy (337 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

177 Comments on Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Twindaddy

  1. Awesome roast Hook! Funny as ever.


  2. You just get more and more fascinating every week! 😉


  3. My life will never be the same.

    Thank God there is no Number 11.


  4. Hahaha… you win, Hook. I feel closer than ever to TD.


  5. As far as I know, Twindaddy is also filthy rich, because both Boston Celtics and Boston Bruins play at the TD Garden.


  6. B R I L L I A N T

    I really enjoy the Comedy Central Roasts, and this by far, tops them all 🙂

    Excellent comebacks TD 😉


  7. Oh my gosh. I’m not sure how I can continue with my regularly scheduled stuph here…

    (hehe ^_^)


  8. That Hook, he’s so knowldgeable and sharing. It must be a great honor for you TD to have been chosen to be feted by such a dignitary as Hook. Keep up the good work, we are all rooting for you.


  9. Reblogged this on You've Been Hooked! and commented:
    The blogging titan known as Twindaddy is the latest recipient of the “little gifts” I’ve been dropping around WordPress lately. Enjoy.


  10. TD. You held your own. You gave BLC credit? While true, I’m still a bit surprised.


  11. I’m sure it doesn’t surprise TD readers to finally know that, beneath that tough Stormtrooper exterior, is actually something we can’t shown here without changing the rating. Well done, Hook (and Twindaddy)


  12. A fine roast…I prefer chicken, though.


  13. Oh, That Hook! He does his research. He knows stuff…a lot of stuff.


  14. My understanding is that TD also had a hand in that disastrous opening up of Capone’s vault with Geraldo (pre-nude selfie). What were you thinking??


  15. What a great way to start my work day!! (coffee spit out on the monitor doesn’t count!)


  16. And now I’m scared or scarred…or both


  17. Hilarious!!! (I like whipped cream on strawberries too 😉


  18. Some of this stuph I have long suspected. I’m guessing Celine had him tossed because he sings better than she does.


  19. Pfft. Playboy. Please. I’m much too dignified for that.


  20. I never thought I would say this, but now I am learning too much about you… reality never really compares with the fantasy, does it?


  21. I kept waiting to hear “but wait, there’s More!”


  22. Sometimes, when he is bored, lonely, or both, Twindaddy spray paints his helmet black and goes around calling himself Lord Helmet.


  23. Lucas offered to sell Twindaddy the franchise, but when he received the note that those sorts of decisions could only be discussed over “coffeh” he figured Twindaddy was punking him and decided to sell to Disney instead.


  24. Twindaddy’s greatest fear before being roasted was that it would be forever compared to the Farrah Fawcet incident. And now it will be.


  25. findingninee // April 15, 2014 at 5:14 pm // Reply

    I just want to know if the little head gets a Star Wars helmet too. I’ll be forever disappointed if you say no. Feel free to lie to me.


  26. Well done, Hook!
    I googled “burugudoyski”, and this post came up.


  27. Wait, is Heartbleed virus a computer thingey, or a real life illness?

    I’m completely out of touch on the Internet. I just found out those people aren’t really sending birthday cards on facebook.
    I’m sooo confused.

    And by now, you’re probably a little drunkeh.

    A “burududoyski” is the meaty part of a pancake. Right? Right?


  28. Who you callin’ Shortcake??


  29. I prefer strawberry shortcake with whipped cream as well. 😉

    Great job, Hook.

    Love ya, TD. All of you. Even the parts you wouldn’t show for Playboy. (Your ankles of course)


  30. Deanna Herrmann // April 16, 2014 at 4:19 am // Reply

    I’m with Beth…strawberry shortcake must be eaten with whip cream. 😉

    Hook and TD, you guys did an awesome job. So funny!


  31. Can I give my finger carpel tunnel syndrome from scrolling so far down to drop a comment? It took me so long I forgot what I was going to say!


  32. I feel so enlightened now! Phew! I know we have only “just” met but now I feel so connected. I’m pointing two fingers in a v shape at my eyes and right back at you! 🙂 I also like to sing in the shower (minus the helmet), to Celine!


  33. Remember those strawberry shortcake scratch and sniff stickers? I had a friend that had a scratch and sniff t-shirt and she was always trying to get me to smell it.


  34. Every roast I have ever seen seems to be more about promoting the comedic talent than roasting the person being honored. I liked this roast because it was all about “you”


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