[Editor’s Note: Some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen on TV are the Comedy Central roasts. If you’re not familiar, a roast is when a “guest of honor” is insulted for hours on end by comedians and close friends. It’s all done in good fun, and I’ve yet to see one yet that didn’t leave my gut strained from laughter. So in the spirit of the roast, The Hook is here today to do his impression of a roast on me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as The Hook does his best Lisa Lampanelli impersonation. Oh, and my rebuttals are in parenthesis.]
Everyone’s favorite bellman, The Hook, here folks, with yet another “gift” for yet another cursed lucky blogger.
Although he has been an open book so far there are a few details concerning the legend of Twindaddy that have remained a mystery. Until now, that is.
1) He may have sworn allegiance to the Empire publicly but Twindaddy’s heart will always belong to the franchise that speaks to him on a deeply spiritual level. His favorite Strawberry Shortcake character? Bitch Pudding, of course.
(I only eat Strawberry Shortcake with whipped cream. Infer from that what you will.)
2) Every year, at the onset of the new television season, Twindaddy auditions to be Dr. Phil’s sidekick. And every year he walks away, his helmeted head hung in shame. Better luck next year, buddy.
(We all know Blunt Life Coach could do Dr. Phil’s job better. And in a more entertaining fashion.)
3) His Rob Ford fan club went down in flames when he revealed his plans for a recruitment drive: Free bumper stickers that read “Honk if you love crack.”
(Seriously, who doesn’t love crack? Look what it did for Whitney Houston’s career. People are lying…)
4) CBS had originally offered Letterman’s position to Twindaddy but the deal fell though when his list of demands expanded to include the following:
- His choice of sidekick? Snooki.
- Guest host? Steve Guttenberg.
- His wardrobe? The signature helmet, of course – and nothing else.
5) Twindaddy’s biography, Under the Helmet, due to be released next year by “Yes, We’re Serious!” Books, hits all the highs and lows of his existence, including his allegiance to the Kardashians and his mild burugudoyski soda addiction.
(I just had to Google burugudoyski soda and I’m still not sure what the hell it is.)
6) He loves to sing Celine Dion tunes in the shower while wearing his helmet. Unfortunately, he has attempted to do so while in Celine Dion’s shower in her Vegas suite…
(Well she obviously wasn’t using it…)
7) Despite reports to the contrary, he created the Heartbleed virus while building his Strawberry Shortcake fan fiction site.
(*waves hand* Everyone will like Strawberry Shortcake! With whipped cream, of course.)
8) His choice to play him in the inevitable movie version of his life? Katherine Heigl. In his own words: “She is an underrated angel.”
(Actually, that’s a misquote. It should read “undertalented,” hence why I choose her.)
9) They threw copious amounts of coin at him, but Twindaddy refused Playboy’s offer of a cover spot and a pictorial featuring his “Little Emperor” in all its “glory”. His official explanation?
“I hear some people have these things called ‘standards’, and so I’ve decided to try them on for size. Now, if a sophisticated periodical like Hustler came a callin’…”
(Seriously, have you read the articles on Hustler? Me either…)
10) He’s a people person. Seriously. (Quit shaking your head, it’s the truth!)
(And by people person, he means “leave me the fuck alone.”)
My work here is done. I now return you to your regularly scheduled stuph…