[Editor’s Note: Some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen on TV are the Comedy Central roasts. If you’re not familiar, a roast is when a “guest of honor” is insulted for hours on end by comedians and close friends. It’s all done in good fun, and I’ve yet to see one yet that didn’t leave my gut strained from laughter. So in the spirit of the roast, The Hook is here today to do his impression of a roast on me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy as The Hook does his best Lisa Lampanelli impersonation. Oh, and my rebuttals are in parenthesis.]
Everyone’s favorite bellman, The Hook, here folks, with yet another “gift” for yet another cursed lucky blogger.
Although he has been an open book so far there are a few details concerning the legend of Twindaddy that have remained a mystery. Until now, that is.
1) He may have sworn allegiance to the Empire publicly but Twindaddy’s heart will always belong to the franchise that speaks to him on a deeply spiritual level. His favorite Strawberry Shortcake character? Bitch Pudding, of course.
(I only eat Strawberry Shortcake with whipped cream. Infer from that what you will.)
2) Every year, at the onset of the new television season, Twindaddy auditions to be Dr. Phil’s sidekick. And every year he walks away, his helmeted head hung in shame. Better luck next year, buddy.
(We all know Blunt Life Coach could do Dr. Phil’s job better. And in a more entertaining fashion.)
3) His Rob Ford fan club went down in flames when he revealed his plans for a recruitment drive: Free bumper stickers that read “Honk if you love crack.”
(Seriously, who doesn’t love crack? Look what it did for Whitney Houston’s career. People are lying…)
4) CBS had originally offered Letterman’s position to Twindaddy but the deal fell though when his list of demands expanded to include the following:
- His choice of sidekick? Snooki.
- Guest host? Steve Guttenberg.
- His wardrobe? The signature helmet, of course – and nothing else.
(Okay, in my defense, Snooki is a wealth of comedic material. As is Steve Guttenberg. And…
…who doesn’t want to see this??)
5) Twindaddy’s biography, Under the Helmet, due to be released next year by “Yes, We’re Serious!” Books, hits all the highs and lows of his existence, including his allegiance to the Kardashians and his mild burugudoyski soda addiction.
(I just had to Google burugudoyski soda and I’m still not sure what the hell it is.)
6) He loves to sing Celine Dion tunes in the shower while wearing his helmet. Unfortunately, he has attempted to do so while in Celine Dion’s shower in her Vegas suite…
(Well she obviously wasn’t using it…)
7) Despite reports to the contrary, he created the Heartbleed virus while building his Strawberry Shortcake fan fiction site.
(*waves hand* Everyone will like Strawberry Shortcake! With whipped cream, of course.)
8) His choice to play him in the inevitable movie version of his life? Katherine Heigl. In his own words: “She is an underrated angel.”
(Actually, that’s a misquote. It should read “undertalented,” hence why I choose her.)
9) They threw copious amounts of coin at him, but Twindaddy refused Playboy’s offer of a cover spot and a pictorial featuring his “Little Emperor” in all its “glory”. His official explanation?
“I hear some people have these things called ‘standards’, and so I’ve decided to try them on for size. Now, if a sophisticated periodical like Hustler came a callin’…”
(Seriously, have you read the articles on Hustler? Me either…)
10) He’s a people person. Seriously. (Quit shaking your head, it’s the truth!)
(And by people person, he means “leave me the fuck alone.”)
My work here is done. I now return you to your regularly scheduled stuph…
Awesome roast Hook! Funny as ever.
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It helps to have an inspiring subject with a fascinating “past”.
Your turn may be just around the corner, so watch out!
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Compared to Twindaddy, my life is crickets chirping.
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Not after I get through with it!
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You just get more and more fascinating every week! 😉
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Think you so? Perhaps you’re just ice cream wasted. 😉
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always!
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Woohoo!!
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That sounds like fun. How do I get ice cream wasted?
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You eat ice cream like you’re trying to get drunk off of it.
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I do that pretty much every night. I think I’ve built up too high a tolerance. Drat.
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Damn…
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*shaking fist* Curse you ice cream!
*finds spoon in clenched fist*
*gorges on ice cream*
😀
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Hey! Save some for me.
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Don’t worry, I have an extra spoon. Dig in.
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Woohoo!
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I know!
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My life will never be the same.
Thank God there is no Number 11.
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You know you wanted a number 11. You’d have read all the way to 50, at least.
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Hahaha… you win, Hook. I feel closer than ever to TD.
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Hey! Don’t touch me there!
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If you two need a room I can get you a deal…
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Ohhhhhh…..that would be fantastic.
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I imagine it would be – for Eva.
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Indeed.
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I meant to say “for you”. I’m so tired this morning, I can’t even administer a proper burn!
Mortality sucks.
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So, you burned yourself whilst trying to burn me? Seems that served you right.
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Yeah, karma sucks.
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Oh, crap. Sorry!
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It’s alright. *whispers* Wait til no one’s looking next time.
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Oh, you sly dog you. *fanning self*
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Do you need a cool drink, Eva?
Or a cigarette?
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I don’t smoke cigarettes… but I’ll take a Long Island Ice Tea, big boy.
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I KNOW!
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As far as I know, Twindaddy is also filthy rich, because both Boston Celtics and Boston Bruins play at the TD Garden.
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Really?? I’ve been hosed. I’ll get my legal team on this right away. As soon as I get one…
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B R I L L I A N T
I really enjoy the Comedy Central Roasts, and this by far, tops them all 🙂
Excellent comebacks TD 😉
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Thanks, hon!
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Oh my gosh. I’m not sure how I can continue with my regularly scheduled stuph here…
(hehe ^_^)
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You’re resilient, T.J., you’ll be fine.
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Hook!! Thank you for the faith…*bows*
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No hats allowed.
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I wasn’t thinking about hats! Well, now I am, but that is your fault!
“PIVOT!”
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LMAO
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You don’t want to know how often I saw that part of that episode! Hehe ^_^
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Hahaha. That is a good one.
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I know! 😀
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That Hook, he’s so knowldgeable and sharing. It must be a great honor for you TD to have been chosen to be feted by such a dignitary as Hook. Keep up the good work, we are all rooting for you.
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Wait…you’re rooting for me or for Hook? Le confused…
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Reblogged this on You've Been Hooked! and commented:
The blogging titan known as Twindaddy is the latest recipient of the “little gifts” I’ve been dropping around WordPress lately. Enjoy.
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TD. You held your own. You gave BLC credit? While true, I’m still a bit surprised.
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If I have to choose between Dr. Phil and BLC, I’ll definitely take BLC.
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I’m sure it doesn’t surprise TD readers to finally know that, beneath that tough Stormtrooper exterior, is actually something we can’t shown here without changing the rating. Well done, Hook (and Twindaddy)
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Thanks, Ned. It took my whole life, but I finally found an outlet for my unique “genius”.
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And we’re all glad for that 😉
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It’s true. I’ve been slapped with an NC-17 rating. Oh well, at least you know I’m fun.
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Very true. But we already knew that, TD.
Besides, it’s definitely better than the NSF rating I get from my bank…
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Well, I chose not to discuss my bank rating. That’s rather embarrassing.
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Dang, I meant to say it was my friend’s bank.
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Well, of course that’s what, um, I meant, too. Or something. Shit.
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Yeah, I don’t think either of us should be expecting a call from the Queen’s Secret Service anytime soon. Not unless it’s as agents -OO7 and -OO8.
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Or, as is more likely, their stunt doubles.
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Ha! 007 without the skills?
Man, that could be a brutal stunt gig.
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Right? The reall 007 can’t risk injuring his glorious frame, so someone has to do it.
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Someone like me who doesn’t have that worry.
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Exactly!
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A fine roast…I prefer chicken, though.
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Twindaddy is terrified of unicorns. Does that count?
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I’ll take that. They are a bit temperamental, I heard.
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That’s only because you haven’t, um, tried me yet.
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Oh, That Hook! He does his research. He knows stuff…a lot of stuff.
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Yes, I do… and some of it is actually worth sharing!
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I wonder who he’s paying to get his hands on all this information.
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I’ll never tell…
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I guess I’ll just hafta get in touch with some contacts I have over in Imperial Security…
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He has powers, I tell you. He can’t pay anyone…have you heard about his gratuities…or lack there of?
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I see. So his “gratuities” are paid in trade secrets? How cleverly devious.
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My understanding is that TD also had a hand in that disastrous opening up of Capone’s vault with Geraldo (pre-nude selfie). What were you thinking??
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I can neither confirm nor deny that I know what Geraldo has to do with anything.
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What a great way to start my work day!! (coffee spit out on the monitor doesn’t count!)
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And that is why I have a secure job working in IT.
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And now I’m scared or scarred…or both
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Oh, Ladycakes. That image first appeared on YOUR blog, remember?
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I KNOW! I am still in therapy for it.
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Lol. You LOVED it and you know it!
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Shhhhhhhh
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Oh…my bad.
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Can’t trust anyone with a helmet of black.
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I suppose not, but it looks so much cooler than the white one, don’t you think?
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of course.
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Woohoo!!
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Scarred my mind as well.
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Easily done!
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Not really. Seen much worse.
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Direct any and all litigation to Twindaddy’s attorneys…
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You people are just looking for easy money.
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Hilarious!!! (I like whipped cream on strawberries too 😉
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Woohoo! I’ll contact you privately! 😉
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Some of this stuph I have long suspected. I’m guessing Celine had him tossed because he sings better than she does.
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Good guess, Rants.
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I tried to tell her that but should wouldn’t listen, obviously.
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Pfft. Playboy. Please. I’m much too dignified for that.
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Since when?
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Well, since this piece went live at least, lest you be labeled a hack and a liar.
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I’ve been labelled worse, buddy, believe me.
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I see. Tabloid journalism, eh?
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I never thought I would say this, but now I am learning too much about you… reality never really compares with the fantasy, does it?
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As with everything, moderation is key.
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now you tell me
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You never asked.
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oh… right
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I kept waiting to hear “but wait, there’s More!”
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They could be more. Let’s see how good The Hook’s resources are.
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Sometimes, when he is bored, lonely, or both, Twindaddy spray paints his helmet black and goes around calling himself Lord Helmet.
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That’s DARK Helmet. Get it right…
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My bad. It’s hard to tell all those helmet people apart.
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No one gives me the raspberry!!
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Don’t mind me, I ordered the special.
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I see your schwartz is as big as mine!
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May the Schwartz be with you!
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Suck! Suck! Suck!
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How many Assholes do we have on this ship?
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Yo!
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I’m surrounded by Assholes!!!
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Keep firing assholes!
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Classic.
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I know!
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Comb the desert!
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We ain’t found shit!
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hah! 😀
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Lucas offered to sell Twindaddy the franchise, but when he received the note that those sorts of decisions could only be discussed over “coffeh” he figured Twindaddy was punking him and decided to sell to Disney instead.
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Twindaddy’s greatest fear before being roasted was that it would be forever compared to the Farrah Fawcet incident. And now it will be.
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I’m ignorant of this incident. Enlighten me.
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Farrah Fawcet was part of Shatner’s Roast… she was sloshed. It was a trainwreck. It was so very awful that it ceased to be funny after the first minute, and was just embarrassing.
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I’ve seen that but I don’t remember this part. Off to YouTube…
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This is the part where I’d normally say, “enjoy,” but… I don’t think it applies in this case.
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We’ll see….
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Oh, we shall see. We shall see for sure and for certain. It shall all be seen up in here.
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Soooooo…….we’ll see then?
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Good plan.
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Wow. YouTube doesn’t seem to have it. Shame.
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That is a shame. Do a Google search (I had to do that to double check that it was Shatner’s roast), maybe there is a transcript of it out there somewhere… If nothing else you can see what others had to say about it.
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Perhaps I shall.
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Do it!!
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I’ll think about it!
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Stop thinking. Do it, do it, do it!
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Too much pressure!
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Oh, please. You have three kids. You can handle far more pressure than this.
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Not on purpose.
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We seldom do things like that on purpose.
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See??
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not really
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I just want to know if the little head gets a Star Wars helmet too. I’ll be forever disappointed if you say no. Feel free to lie to me.
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The little head not only gets a head, but it gets a blaster, too.
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Well done, Hook!
I googled “burugudoyski”, and this post came up.
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Figures. I’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT IS!!
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Wait, is Heartbleed virus a computer thingey, or a real life illness?
I’m completely out of touch on the Internet. I just found out those people aren’t really sending birthday cards on facebook.
I’m sooo confused.
And by now, you’re probably a little drunkeh.
A “burududoyski” is the meaty part of a pancake. Right? Right?
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Wait, meaty part of the pancake?? Just what kinda pancakes have you been eating??
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Oh, no- wait.
I got it wrong.
“Scruples” are the meaty part of the pancake.
Holla!
I have the heartbleed virus. Is it like heartbreak?
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Awww….come here. I’ll kiss it for you.
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*blushes*
Oh, my! This is getting good…
Keep drinking.
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Lol. What will you do if I do?
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This is getting all flirty up in here.
I might just…send you a picture! Hahahahahaha
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Ohhhhhhhh…….that would make my day!
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Who you callin’ Shortcake??
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I’d rather have cookies. Or ice cream.
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Woohoo!
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I prefer strawberry shortcake with whipped cream as well. 😉
Great job, Hook.
Love ya, TD. All of you. Even the parts you wouldn’t show for Playboy. (Your ankles of course)
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I’m with Beth…strawberry shortcake must be eaten with whip cream. 😉
Hook and TD, you guys did an awesome job. So funny!
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We’re the best team since death and taxes, Deanna.
Thanks!
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Can I give my finger carpel tunnel syndrome from scrolling so far down to drop a comment? It took me so long I forgot what I was going to say!
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I’m sure it was very complimentary, so thank you, Marie.
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complimentary – why would I say anything else! 🙂
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I feel so enlightened now! Phew! I know we have only “just” met but now I feel so connected. I’m pointing two fingers in a v shape at my eyes and right back at you! 🙂 I also like to sing in the shower (minus the helmet), to Celine!
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Remember those strawberry shortcake scratch and sniff stickers? I had a friend that had a scratch and sniff t-shirt and she was always trying to get me to smell it.
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Every roast I have ever seen seems to be more about promoting the comedic talent than roasting the person being honored. I liked this roast because it was all about “you”
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I aim to please.
Thanks.
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