Last year, I was blessed to be able to see a counselor for a couple of months when a friend gifted me the money to do so. During one of my first sessions, I confessed to the counselor that I had, just in the short time since my wife and I had split, fallen in love with a woman, but it ended horribly for reasons I won’t detail here.
He looked at me quizzically and asked, “Are you even emotionally available right now?”
I wasn’t sure how to answer that as I didn’t really understand what the term meant at the time. I was in the middle of a long bout of depression and was experiencing manic highs and debilitating lows. One day I would be fine and chipper, the next I would be comatose and inconsolable. It was literally a roller coaster of feelings.
This morning the meaning of the term dawned on me as I listened to the song Cold by Five Finger Death Punch. Emotionally unavailable, in my estimation, means that you are unable to invest emotional interest in anything. You really don’t care what happens one way or the other. You are just…meh.
If I could go back in time, I would have an answer for my counselor and the answer would be, “Yes, I’m a little too emotionally available.” And I was. I trusted everyone. I shared everything. I became attached to people I barely knew.
Almost a year later and I’m almost the complete opposite. I have been burned so many times in the last year that I may as well be the ashes in your charcoal grill after a cookout. I’ve burned so many bridges that I’m afraid to cross any more. Quite frankly, I’m not sure which emotional state is more worrisome: being invested in everything or feeling apathetic towards everything.
I’m gazing upward, a world I can’t embrace
There’s only thorns and splinters, venom in my veins
Life happens, and as it does I’m becoming increasingly misanthropic. Despite having an incredibly supportive readership here I’m unable to look past all the bullshit I’ve endured to see anything positive. As I peer out at the world my outlook is stained with dark colors. The glass isn’t just half empty, somebody fucking drank it all.
I’m begging for forgiveness, everything I’ve done
If God is listening, He knows I’m not the only one
Not only have I become jaded by the actions of others, I’ve become jaded by the actions of myself. Misstep after misstep has rendered me unconfident in my decision-making abilities. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I see things clearly. I don’t trust that I can remove myself from situations to look at them logically. Were it not for the love of my children, I’d likely just run away and begin anew somewhere.
My heart’s an endless winter filled with rage
I’m looking forward to forgetting yesterday
I am emotionally unavailable. Apathetic. Stoic. I’m unable to muster feelings for anything. I am uninterested in caring for other people right now, as it only seems to bring unwanted drama to my life. I am unable to give a fuck. I am cold.