I Am Cold

Last year, I was blessed to be able to see a counselor for a couple of months when a friend gifted me the money to do so. During one of my first sessions, I confessed to the counselor that I had, just in the short time since my wife and I had split, fallen in love with a woman, but it ended horribly for reasons I won’t detail here.

He looked at me quizzically and asked, “Are you even emotionally available right now?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that as I didn’t really understand what the term meant at the time. I was in the middle of a long bout of depression and was experiencing manic highs and debilitating lows. One day I would be fine and chipper, the next I would be comatose and inconsolable. It was literally a roller coaster of feelings.

49471875

This morning the meaning of the term dawned on me as I listened to the song Cold by Five Finger Death Punch. Emotionally unavailable, in my estimation, means that you are unable to invest emotional interest in anything. You really don’t care what happens one way or the other. You are just…meh.

If I could go back in time, I would have an answer for my counselor and the answer would be, “Yes, I’m a little too emotionally available.” And I was. I trusted everyone. I shared everything. I became attached to people I barely knew.

Almost a year later and I’m almost the complete opposite. I have been burned so many times in the last year that I may as well be the ashes in your charcoal grill after a cookout. I’ve burned so many bridges that I’m afraid to cross any more. Quite frankly, I’m not sure which emotional state is more worrisome: being invested in everything or feeling apathetic towards everything.

I’m gazing upward, a world I can’t embrace
There’s only thorns and splinters, venom in my veins

Life happens, and as it does I’m becoming increasingly misanthropic. Despite having an incredibly supportive readership here I’m unable to look past all the bullshit I’ve endured to see anything positive. As I peer out at the world my outlook is stained with dark colors. The glass isn’t just half empty, somebody fucking drank it all.

I’m begging for forgiveness, everything I’ve done
If God is listening, He knows I’m not the only one

Not only have I become jaded by the actions of others, I’ve become jaded by the actions of myself. Misstep after misstep has rendered me unconfident in my decision-making abilities. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust that I see things clearly. I don’t trust that I can remove myself from situations to look at them logically. Were it not for the love of my children, I’d likely just run away and begin anew somewhere.

My heart’s an endless winter filled with rage
I’m looking forward to forgetting yesterday

I am emotionally unavailable. Apathetic. Stoic. I’m unable to muster feelings for anything. I am uninterested in caring for other people right now, as it only seems to bring unwanted drama to my life.  I am unable to give a fuck. I am cold.

Advertisements
About Twindaddy (336 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

98 Comments on I Am Cold

  1. you are not cold. you are so warm. you just have on a big coat you need to take off. then you’ll feel better. 🙂

    Like

  2. Dude..I am jaded.

    Like

  3. I wouldn’t say you were completely cold. And certainly not permanently cold, even if you’re a bit chilly now. You’ll be thawing at some point.

    Like

  4. You forgot the part about being a really funny dude and willing to hang out online with a fellow blogger when she’s a tiny bit drunk and mostly acting like a dork. 😉

    Like

  5. Based on the little that I know of you in the short time we’ve connected, I call bullshit. But I do get how sometimes it would be nice to just not give a shit; to just be cold, unfeeling. I don’t think that’s you, but I do think it’s someone we all (sometimes) perhaps wish we could be, if only for a short time.

    Like

  6. Yep, gotta agree with Nancy. If you were cold, none of this would be an issue, and you wouldn’t be here talking about it.
    Sadly, I haven’t got anything useful to tell you about getting through it, except to say that it will pass.
    But you already know that.

    I just finished writing a “see you later” post. Sometimes getting stuck in your head is rough. Nothing wrong with taking time for yourself if you need it. In fact, not taking it would be wrong.

    Like

  7. Time to sit down and take a bit of stock. I would say you are simply luke warm, not cold but maybe chilled. Many of us go through this, it is a stage not permanent. Don’t worry, it passes.

    Like

  8. I do understand.
    I have not given a Fuck about anything or anyone (myself included) since I left Afghanistan a year ago.

    Like

  9. Tired… yeah, that about sums it up.
    I know you are talking about something else here. But, I’m really tired this morning too.

    But, back on to topic…
    Before the Queen I was engaged to my college sweetheart. I proposed halfway through our senior year, and then less than year into our engagement, everything fell apart. As it needed to. We weren’t right for each other, and I can see that now, but then… then my trust had been broken, and I had to intentionally tell myself not to fall in love with the next person that showed interest in me. I had to distance myself from those emotions because I had this void in my life that I wanted to fill and if I let myself I’d fill it with someone else that wasn’t right for me just to feel complete for another little bit. So, yeah, hold off… back away… remove yourself from those feelings for a time. Let that void fill on its own, and when you no longer need it, then you can open up again… Does that make sense?

    Like

  10. “The glass isn’t just half empty, somebody fucking drank it all.” at least nobody peed in it.

    Forgive yourself as a first step. The rest will follow…

    Like

    • Forgiving myself is the one thing I can’t seem to do.

      Like

      • I know, I fought that demon for a whole year, and one day it all just clicked. And then the clouds slowly vanished… For me it truly was the first step, one I thought I could never do. And I did some fucked up shit! Forgiving myself felt really really good, you deserve a break. Just start saying quietly every morning “I forgive myself”, eventually you’ll believe it.

        Like

  11. Same.
    I’ve basically said the same fuck it.
    Instead i’m just doing for ME, if I’m alone forever then so be it. I’m making ME the centre of my world and if people don’t like it then Fuck ’em.
    You should try it, it’s pretty liberating 😉
    Love you Twin.

    Like

  12. I understand. Not sure you have to divest of your current feelings, either. Just hammer them into something more useful than a wall… in time. I think your next step is to stop giving fucks about what others think. “Zero Fucks Given” policy.

    Like

  13. Sending you a comfy just out of the dryer blanket, to cover you up. And, let’s get bring Weird Al back on the table today. 🙂

    Like

  14. I feel the exact same way right now.
    2014 has really been one big, fat, unwanted fuck so far.
    Sorry to say it like that but hey, it’s true.

    Like

    • Yeah, it has.

      Like

      • I think it happens to a lot of us in our adult years. Except for all the shiny, happy, people whose lives are perfect & they’re swimming in money & help from family members.
        Even they have their times where they feel like us, though they’d never cop to it.

        That’s what makes you different. You have the courage to hold yourself up to the world and say “Hey! Look at me! I’m fucked up!” as apposed to the lie “Hey! Look at me! My life is perfect! Everything is all sunshines & rainbow farts!”

        & That whether you believe it or not, makes you STRONG.

        Like

        • Thanks, hon. I’m glad you think I’m strong. I feel like an idiot most of the time.

          Like

          • You are strong. Very strong. & Brave. How else could you raise such little cutiepies so wonderfully? There is a bit of warrior in all of us parents, my dear friend.

            I’ll share a little tear-jerker with you that happened this morning. Only because it may help you see.
            I don’t like to cry in front of my son. I try to give off the presence of “supermommy” around him.
            However, today I broke down. So much has been going wrong with our apartment I just couldn’t take it.
            When my son saw this, he hugged me tightly & said “Don’t cry, Mommy. It’s ok, I love you.” & he ran and got me a tissue & wiped my eyes. He’s only 4 but he seems to know how to comfort someone.
            I was so astonished – I stopped, told him thank you & went on to take him
            to school. After he left, I realized I’m doing a good job. No matter how shitty things may look. He’s turning into a wonderful human being, full of empathy.

            I know you’re doing the same. That’s why I say the things I do. 😉

            Like

  15. Thanks, Zoe.

    Like

  16. When life messes with you, it is perfectly normal to run that gamut of emotions. Smart even. You will come up for air and find your balance. Really. It will happen.

    Love,

    Like

  17. This resonates with me… so much…

    Like

  18. I am very similar with trusting people too soon, and sometimes I get burned by it. Sometimes I do get lucky, though. To me, emotionally unavailable means you ought to be focusing every bit of your emotional energy inwards to heal yourself. And you should. 🙂

    Like

  19. I’m all shut down; not to all people. I’m completely numb and dead and very jaded where men are concerned. It’s a function of having been hurt so much in my marriage.

    I don’t love this “men suck” personna, it’s a stupid cliche, but it’s where I’m at right now. And I don’t mean friends, who are obviously the exception – although you sometimes take offense. I mean – I’m not interested in the general male population romantically. I’m on emotional lockdown. No one gets in, then I don’t get hurt.

    Maybe it will pass. I don’t know.

    But for you- I know this is just a stage. Because you are a deeply compassionate human being. This is just where you are now, for an indefinite period of time, and when it’s done, that’s when it’ll be over.

    You come first. You have to take care of yourself. If you are cold for now, then that’s exactly who you need to be. I think- you’re exhausted? You put out a lot of energy.

    And all bets are off where our kids are concerned. My kid gets the best part of me, no matter how few fucks I give. I instinctively feel this is true of you.

    And if you don’t give a fuck enough to answer this comment, don’t. Please. I’m okay with that.

    Like

  20. There is a difference between being a cold person and not letting someone reach to that core of you. I think all these people saying that you aren’t cold, see your kindness and warmth. They don’t see that hidden core that is separate from everyone. I’ve been called everything from ‘too sweet’ and ‘too kind’ to ‘the terminator’ and truth is; I contain multitudes. Most people do. My hidden core is my own. And it makes me very cold in some ways. But not unkind, uncaring or unfriendly.

    Like

    • I don’t know anything right now. I really don’t.

      Like

      • I get that. Sometimes I wonder if anyone knows anything, really. I mean, we are all guessing at life. Just doing what we think we should. What we think is best. What we think will make us happy. None of us can be certain of how things will unfold. I can vouch for not knowing what the fuck I am doing 85% of the time. I am sorry you are going through this. Hopefully, you can wait it out.

        Like

        • Thanks, but your percentage is lower than mine, so you got that going for you.

          Like

          • maurnas // May 6, 2014 at 10:46 pm //

            It took me a long time, many truly awful experiences, and more than a year of intense therapy to get to 85%. Fixing yourself is a lot of work. I am going to stop now as I don’t want to come off as either condescending or some superior know it all (I’m not either, I hope). If you feel some desire to chat with me more feel free to email me. maurnas@gmail.com.

            Like

          • You have come across as neither. I do appreciate the concern.

            Like

  21. I feel you… okay, that sounded worse than it did in my head…

    Like

  22. No pep talks. No drills. if you feel like that you feel like that. But, your emotion in your earlier post showed all too clearly how you felt about that situation. I hardly know Rara. You obviously do. If I felt what I did when I read of it then you must be gutted. Add that to everything else that can go wrong with life at times. And it’s no surprise you feel the way you do. Cold is good at times to stop hurting any more than we can bear. So be cold for a while if that helps. But it’s not who you are. Just a mechanism to cope. Did that just turn into a pep talk? Sorry if it sounded that way. But I know that place and it does pass eventually. Hang on in. Etheric hugs.x

    Like

  23. “The glass isn’t just half empty, somebody fucking drank it all.”

    I don’t know if you meant that to be funny but it is. On a serious note, your honesty about what you feel is gonna get you through. I get what you mean about the apathy. I’m there now but but not for the same reasons. I just put my care into other stuff, I guess. Probably wouldn’t recognize a good thing if it knocked me out and dragged me to a cave. It really kinda sucks.

    Like

    • I didn’t originally mean for it to be funny, but when I read it later (after I had escaped the funk I was in when I wrote this) I did kinda chuckle at it.

      I’m putting a lot of time and energy into this music challenge I have going on, and spending whatever time I can with my children.

      If a good thing knocked me out right now I’d probably tell it to fuck off once I woke back up. Oh, well…

      Like

  24. That suck my friend. I wish I had something I could say to fix it, but really I think you just need a breather. I get stuck in my head like that a lot and apathy takes over. I’m walking that fine line right now. And I know with kids it’s hard to truly take a break for yourself, but maybe somehow you can arrange a day doing something you love. Maybe Guap is right and you should take a writing break. Whatever you decide, I support you 100% and will be here. Hope it passes soon and I’m only a message away! Hugs my friend!

    Like

  25. Stuph, I am so familiar with this feeling & it is awful. It’s depressing & depression. You need to find something to spark your interest again. Not another person – another interest, like maybe Canadian football. Read up about it, study the players, learn the rules, watch a few games, find out how much better it is than American football! (all tongue-in-cheek here of course) Do you like to read? Maybe you could find a book on getting your mojo back? I’m sorry I can’t think of a title off the top of my head to help you – I usually read books on subjects which affect females more. But, just in case, you can count on me to be here as a sounding board, if you need me.

    Like

  26. One short statement, I don’t see you as cold. I know you and I are just getting to know each other but I don’t see it. I’m certainly not minimizing what you’re feeling. Please don’t think that. You are going through this and hopefully, you will get to the other side of it. Take a breather, take a break. Find the joy in the good stuff…like those kiddos of yours 🙂 I think one of these days, you’ll find that you give a fuck again.

    Like

  27. Just me digging through your archieves again…… I get this.

    When people hurt you, when shit happens at some point I just switch off and well I get this. People have actually told me that I’m cold hearted!

    This post was some time ago. I hope you have knowticed that I do not inted to bring unwanted drama into your life. And yea, I actually give a f….

    Like

Deposit 2 cents here

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: