So….There’s No Emergency?

A couple of weeks ago I was perusing my Facebook feed while bored at work and came across a story from one of the local news stations here about footgolf. The term piqued my curiosity so I clicked on the link. Basically, footgolf is golf with a soccer ball. And bigger holes. You in the back snickering, you’re a pervert. Sadly, there will likely be a lot of innuendo and juvenile laughter in this post.

Anyhow, I was intrigued. I like golf well enough, but haven’t played in a few years because it’s expensive as hell…and I lost my clubs in one of my many moves after Superbitch and I separated. I also grew up playing soccer and can kick a ball much better than I can hit a golf ball. I shared the link on Facebook and put out an open invite for anyone else who might wanna try it. Lo and behold, I got a few responses, but I was able to make plans with a fellow blogger! The irreverent GingerSnaap and I went to a local golf course this past Saturday night and had a good time laughing at each other’s feeble attempts to kick a soccer ball towards 18 gaping holes.

We met up and hit the links (so to speak). I went first and after some stretching and a couple of practice swings with my leg promptly kicked my first shot at a 45 degree angle to the left. Right into the woods. Shit, this is just like golf.

Except it’s not just like golf. Soccer balls are much bigger and easier to find in the woods than a golf ball, so I found it right away. Phew. It took a couple of holes (snicker), but I eventually found my groove and began kicking the ball well, like I knew I could. Meanwhile Ginger was having fun laughing at herself and her attempts to kick the ball. Frankly, I was laughing at her, too. She got the last laugh, though.

Karma’s a bitch.

The eighth hole has a water trap to the right of the tee. Those of you who know what that means are already laughing because you can probably see where this is going. To confirm your suspicions, I’ll go ahead and admit that when I teed off from the eighth hole the ball went of the side of my foot and towards the water. Frankly, had the land been level it might not have gone into the water, but since it was a very steep incline into the water, my ball went right in. Sigh…

In real golf, the ball sinks and can’t be retrieved. Also, in real golf I would just grab another ball out of my bag (ouch!) and drop it next to the pond and continue playing. Since this was footgolf, however, I had only one ball. And soccer balls float. Luckily. Unfortunately, the ball was pretty far away from the edge of the pond.

soccer ball pond

I went to the closest hole (really, I’m laughing every time I type that word) and grabbed the pole (how YOU doin’?) from it with the intention of using it to retrieve the ball. Unfortunately, the ball was too far in to reach it with the pole. (Insert “size matters” joke here.) So we began throwing rocks at the ball to try to push it towards the “shore.” I don’t know what it was with this pond, but the ball wouldn’t budge. We hit the ball a couple of times and next to it multiple times, but the waves barely nudged the ball. It just would not float any closer.

So I decided to man up, take my shoes off, and wade out into the nasty waters to fetch the ball. I made it a few feet out into the water, which was enough to tap the ball towards me with the pole I had borrowed from the green next to the pond. Luckily, Ginger had a towel in her purse she allowed me to use to wipe the mud and other gunk from the pond water off of my feet and legs.

Just as I was about to put my shoes and socks on, someone else kicked their ball into the water. So I went back into the muck and fetched that ball, too. I then sat back down on the hill to put my shoes and socks back on when my cell phone began to ring. I had put my phone in my back pocket so it wouldn’t bother me while I was kicking. I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the number. It was a local number, but one I didn’t recognize. I answered the phone with a confused, “Hellooooooo??”

“This a 911 emergency,” a masculine voice announced. “We received a call from this number.”

Shit. Why does this happen to me? “Um, I must have accidentally butt-dialed you.”

“So there’s no emergency?”

Anyone who knows me knows that I’m extremely sarcastic. What I almost said, and really wanted to say, was, “Oh, NOW you call? I already got my ball out of the fucking water!” I thought better of it, though, because I didn’t want to spend my Saturday night in jail. So I simply said, “No,” and ended the call while Ginger was rolling around in the grass laughing her ass off at me. I turned my phone off before placing it back in my pocket…

And that’s when one of the course rangers showed up and said, “Oh, you got it out?” Yeah, I did. Thanks for nothing.

We finished the rest of the holes (hehehehe) without incident. Well, incidents of that caliber, anyhow. There were many more shanks, jokes, and laughs when the unforgiving holes (ha!) cockblocked our attempts to sink our balls.

All in all, it was a fun night and I highly recommend footgolf to anyone who likes soccer and golf. Just make sure you bring a towel and turn off your phones…

About Twindaddy (337 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

51 Comments on So….There’s No Emergency?

  1. L
    I think you called 911 because you were afraid of me, jackass!!

    And? Irreverent people are the BEST kind of people to play foot golf with!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on OhMyGawd… Just Do What I Say! and commented:
    Good times in the Nati on Saturday!
    Read on….


  3. This is fantastic. Thank you for the laugh and morning distraction 🙂


  4. You called 911? LOL!


  5. You know… that sounds way more fun than regular golf to me and a little more simple, just need a soccer ball (and a course, of course).


  6. Just as much fun with frisbees.
    And a lot of open space.


  7. I must play this game! The power of golf compels me. The power of soccer compels me! What am I waiting for!!?!?!?


  8. well you can just make anything sound dirty, can’t you?


  9. EEEEWWW. I hope all your vaccines are current.


  10. bobothefishy // July 28, 2014 at 12:02 pm // Reply

    So cool! 😛


  11. That actually sounds pretty awesome, gotta say! I need to investigate footgolf options in my area!


  12. Footgolf sounds like a blast, actually. Golf is soooooooo boring. But I can’t believe they let you on the course.


    • It’s another way for them to make money. They were pimping out all the leagues they are planning on starting. They’re really trying to get this to catch on.


  13. Oooooh, I want to try that!!! It sounds more exciting than golf (okay, almost any sport sounds more exciting than golf to me), and unlike soccer, there some scoring going on.


  14. hahahaha I’m laughing WITH you, really. I REALLY wanted to play this game when I started reading this, more than frisbee golf, until I saw your ball afloat. That would be me, or worse, every stinkin gapin hole. I imagine someone would REALLY need to call 911 because my ball whacked their face (that’s what she said) or I threw something intentionally after being frustrated from not being able to penetrate the holes.
    And also, I’m famous for forgetting that my phone is in my pocket when I walk into a body of water, so I couldn’t even CALL 911 b/c my phone would be waterlogged.
    What I WOULD have done, though, is packed some sort of clandestine booze, to drink while waiting for someone else to come and get my ball out.


  15. That does sound like fun. I love golf but can’t kick a soccer ball to save my life. Maybe I should bring a raft, float in the water all afternoon and charge people to return the balls from the pond! 😀


  16. This is going to be huge. My bro in law was telling me about this a couple months back. Wanna bet they’re gonna get all technical with the gear? Driving shoes, mid-range shoes, water shoes, sand wedge shoes, putting shoes…

    Attention Marketers: GO.


  17. It goes to show you how long it’s been since I call 911, I didn’t even know you didn’t get connected to them when you call! I wouldn’t have gone into the pond without my shoes for nothing – you never know what people will throw in there. Yuck!


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