It’s Potty Time!

Storm_Trooper_pooping

You gotta fight for your right to poooooooooootty!

Just over three and a half years ago, my ginger ex-wife gave birth to a little ginger baby boy. That little boy evokes intense emotions from me. Laughter. Happiness. Annoyance. Impatience. Rage. Pride. Unconditional love. My little bundle of joy has been the reason my world spins. I love him with every fiber of my being. I would do anything for him, but I won't do that. Not anymore.

I am fucking sick and tired of changing shitty diapers. I love Baby C like a Russian loves vodka, but that child has pure, concentrated evil coming out of his ass. I’m pretty sure the contents of his diapers sometimes violate the Geneva Convention.

P. O. T. T. Y? Cuz I gotta!

So I have decided that I’m going on the offensive.

A couple of days ago I bought a couple of packs of toddler underwear and some flushable wipes. I have paper towels and Resolve (the cleaner and actual resolve). I have a four-day weekend and by gawd that kid will run around naked so his safety net is gone. I’ll reward him for successful uses of the potty. I’ll have Elmo‘s Potty Time playing on repeat. I’ll do whatever it takes, but this kid is going to learn the glory of sitting on the throne.

C is quite stubborn. He’ll resistant me. He’ll fight me. He’ll cry. He’ll whine. And so will I, but I’ll claim victory, ultimately. I have my mind set on this and I shall not falter. The era of poopy diapers is at an end. It’s a potty revolution.

Never give up! Never surrender!

I may come back from this a changed man. I may come back horribly scarred. I may end up committed. I may end up drinking again (not really, but that’s funny). I may not come back it all. But I can’t take this shit anymore (pun most definitely intended). It’s on like Donkey Kong.

the line must be drawn here

Please, wish me luck. If you don’t hear from my by Monday, send help. If any of you have any helpful tips, I would appreciate them. My strategy right now is to throw shit at the wall and see what sticks, which could literally happen.

I have had enough, C! This means war.

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About Twindaddy (332 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

25 Comments on It’s Potty Time!

  1. Gods be good, but I don’t envy you. Be strong! Be vigilant! Be sure to watch him when he goes off to hide somewhere and poop like mine did behind the couch…

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  2. I bet you can’t wait for him to grow up when you’ll be an old man and force him to change your diapers…

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  3. Good luck! Is there a reward — like going someplace big kids go to — that he can get only if he does his business like a big kid? Jacob couldn’t go to pre-school until he learned and that was a big plus for me.

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  4. Sorry no advice! let me know how you fare! I’ll attement to start my own war on this soon, but since I still got time next step is those nappy pants that can be pulled down easy. My stepsister has had much sucess with that method.

    Mine has been going to the loo with me for months now, since 18 months old and we sit on that potty every night before bath time. I’m taking it in tiny baby steps…. and hope that in a years time we will have it down…… 😉

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  5. Ooh, I can’t wait to hear how this weekend goes!! Good luck, my friend. I’ve never had to go through that…my furry child goes outdoors like a champ!

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  6. Good luck! It sounds like you have a plan(ish).

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  7. Kristi Campbell - findingninee // August 28, 2014 at 11:58 pm // Reply

    Highly recommend very expensive lego bribes, kept on top of the fridge, with the “you get that when you fucking shit in the potty” reinforcements. But you know, nice and stuff. Mine peed in the potty for 6 months before crapping his pants daily for a week. Making him help clean up and the bribe = dude total success.

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    • Tonight was a mixed bag. I took his diaper off as soon as we got home and asked him if he wanted to wear his underwear. He said yes, so I told him he needed to either poop or pee in the potty first.

      About an hour and a half later he peed on the carpet. I chided him for it and made him sit on the potty for a couple of minutes. Then, about an hour later I paused Cars and told him to go sit on the potty and WAHLAH he peed in the potty! I’m not sure which reward he liked more: putting on the underwear or getting to flush his own piss down the toilet.

      He wanted to sleep in his underwear, but I was all…NOOOOOOOOOO.

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  8. LOL! Loved this! I feel your pain, though it’s been about 12 years since I’ve had to tackle it. My last kiddo got potty trained in the sand box. It was the only place he’d poop. SO, I sat the potty chair out there and it worked. He’d go straight from the digger toys to the chair and barely miss a beat. Our main problem was being quick to dump the pot before the dog ate the contents. Sorry…I hope you weren’t having breakfast just now 🙂

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    • Lol. I think we’ve got peeing down, but he only takes on dump a day, so that part’s gonna be tougher. I haven’t had to do this for 11 years, so I’m just as rusty as you are…

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Good luck! I honestly can’t remember the whole potty training thing being all that dramatic with either of my two. But, then again, it was a million years ago, and may have been so traumatic that I blacked it out. Twice.

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  10. If Baby C spends most of his time in the living room, put the potty right in the living room. Every 15 minutes or so & after every meal, ask Baby C to sit on the potty for 1 minute. If he manages 1 minute (count out loud to help him feel accomplished), reward him with something he really likes (a balloon, a cookie, whatever means the most to him). While he sits on the potty, if you’re not counting play games with him to make him feel more comfortable about sitting there or play the video. If he does something in the potty make a huge deal about it – he’s a big kid now! He’s just like Daddy! Don’t make any reference to the potty when it’s not his time to be on it, but keep it near to where he is. If he goes & sits on it all by himself – big party! One of the times he sits on the potty he will do what needs to be done – another big party! Plan on doing nothing else for the long weekend.
    I have potty trained 3 babies. My own daughter was potty trained for days at 9 months because her first steps were to the potty. Potty training can be a good bonding experience for you & your son if you handle it right & don’t put too much pressure on him.

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    • He’s gone by himself multiple times now. It’s going really well so far. Thanks for the advice! I dedicated this weekend to getting him trained and so far it’s working.

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