Random Thoughts: 9/4/2014

Once upon a time I had a regular feature entitled Random Thoughts. The premise of these posts was for me to peruse the news and link to any articles which caught my fancy and elicited some sort of opinion or retort from me. I haven’t published a Random Thoughts post in over two years. Quite frankly, I forgot about the feature until I took my blog offline recently and made the transition from the old blog to this one and was sweeping through it to clean up any references to my old domain. I think it’s about time to resurrect this feature because it gives me a chance to be snarky and sarcastic, two things I enjoy a bit too much. So, without further ado, I bequeath upon thee unsolicited thoughts on what’s making the news!

• Evidently being famous and attending the US Open is newsworthy. My Imperial mind still cannot grasp the logic behind celebrity culture. Can someone please explain to me why we need every detail about celebrities’ lives?

  

  Who cares???

• Some dude named Adam Rogers decided to write a book about the science of booze, and included a handy chapter on hangovers at the end. “Is there a cure for hangovers?” you drunks are surely wondering. (I WAS wondering that! And don’t call me Shirley.) Well, yes. Rogers claims that if you drink less you’ll reduce the likelihood of a hangover. 
• New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was recently asked when he’ll retire. His response?
  

  “When I suck, I’ll retire,” Brady said, via the Boston Globe. “But I don’t plan on sucking for a long time.”

  Ha ha ha. That is awesome. I would totally say the same thing. Unreasonable minds would argue that Brady already sucks, but his stats definitely tell a different narrative.

  

  Hey! That guy over there said I suck. Hurt him. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Ashley Simpson got marred. Why the fuck is this news? Anyone? Buehler?
• A 9-year-old recently shot (and killed) her gun instructor accidentally while being taught how to wield an Uzi. Why the FUCK does a 9-year-old need to know how tousean Uzi??

  

  Ummm….

• So California is in the midst of a pretty horrific drought right now. Residents have been advised to conserve water or face stiff financial penalties for failure to do so. This means there are a lot of brown lawns. Enter Drew McClellan, who (for $300) will come and spray paint your lawn a luscious green with (allegedly) eco-friendly paint. I’ve owned a couple of homes in my day, and to be honest I could care less whether or not my grass is green as long as it’s been mowed. Does a healthy green lawn look better than yard full of anorexic-looking grass? Of course, but why do we put so much stock and effort into having green lawns? There are so many more important things to focus on than spreading Scott’s lawn seed across our yards. Like spending time with our children and teaching them not to worship celebrities.
• Breaking news! Princess Diana’s makeup artist has revealed her beauty secrets! This is important stuff, ladies! Remember, you don’t matter unless you’re beautiful. Sigh…
• Denver Broncos wide-receiver Wes Welker has been suspended four games for testing positive for amphetamines. He denies it, of course (insert eye roll here), and even goes as far as suggesting someone spiked his drink with the banned substance. Sure, Wes. No doubt some nefarious criminals are out to spike your drinks with amphetamines. I bet I’m the victim of a similar and equally outrageous plot! The reason I’m fat HAS to be because someone has mischievously been spiking my plates with unhealthy food all these years.
• Kim Kardashian did…something. I don’t know. I don’t even care. I didn’t read it because I don’t give a shit. I’m just wondering how the fuck she became famous and why anyone cares what she does. So she made a sex tape. Big deal. Millions of people have made sex tapes. There’s an entire industry devoted to making sex tapes. It’s called pornography. No porn star gets the Entertainment Tonight treatment like KK does, and any porn star has made more than one sex tape. Any porn star has done it better, too. Or so I hear. Look, I really wouldn’t know. I don’t watch porn. C’mon!
• A 16-year-old gender nonconformist (whatever that is) is suing the South Carolina DMV because they made him remove the makeup he regularly wears before taking his driver’s license photo. The DMV states that a rule forbids altering your appearance so that misleading photographs aren’t taken. My question is this: Do they enforce this rule on everyone or just men? If this rule isn’t enforced on women who wear excessive make up, then this young man has a case. If it is, then this kid is wasting our time.

Aaaaaaaaand that’s all I can take of current events for right now. I just remembered why I don’t regularly check the news. The stupidity found therein always pisses me off.

Are there any recent events you’d like to sound off on?