I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
A couple of weeks ago I decided to try to live life without the help of Prozac. The emotional stability it had once provided me had vanished. My emotions were on some epic roller coaster ride which would cause someone with even the most solid stomach to toss their cookies. I had had enough. I was tired of the ups and downs – mostly downs. I was tired of living in shadows cast by insignificant people who, in the end, don’t even matter. I was tired of the tightening of my chest every time something shitty happened. I was tired of feeling like my heart was going to burst from my chest like a fucked up scene from Alien. I was just…tired.
In the span of a week a made two huge decisions regarding my mental health. The first was to quit drinking. Once I realized I was depending on it to shield me from my demons was the same moment I realized I had a problem. From that moment on (almost a month ago, now) I haven’t had a drink. The next week I took the last pill in my prozac bottle. I presumed that my prozac had quit working and that was the reason for my emotional instability. Plus, at my last visit with the doctor, he thought it might be time to come off the prozac since my divorce was falling further and further into the rearview.
Upon further analysis, I think the reason my emotions had been so erratic was probably the combination of prozac and alcohol. I mean, prozac is an antidepressant and alcohol is a depressant. What the fuck was I thinking?
Before my ex-wife left me, upending the axis of my life, the only real symptom of depression I exhibited was mood swings. I was horribly moody and inpatient. Frankly, I was an asshole. It wasn’t until I reviewed my actions that I realized it. She tried to tell me numerous times, but I refused to listen. I had to see it for myself. I figured mood swings wouldn’t be an issue coming off prozac since I was still taking a mood stabilizer.
I think I was wrong.
I spent the majority of this past weekend absolutely livid for no reason. If I had to repeat myself more than twice with the kids I was yelling. If I was walking through the living room and the dog walked into my path I got pissed. When my brother and his kids came over yesterday during the game I was highly irritated by the incessant cries for attention. This morning, when C’s mom emailed me to ask how his weekend was I wanted to tell her to fuck off. When I see certain gravatars pop up for the first time on blogs I follow I just want to throw shit.
One instance that sticks out to me is when Baby B was unloading a dryer full of his bedding. He dropped his pillow cases and was stepping on them. I told him he had dropped them and that he needed to pick them up. He whined some excuse I can no longer remember explaining why he couldn’t pick them up. I told him again to pick them up and again he whined. My temper went from 0 to 60 as quickly as you can snap your fingers, and I just let him have it. Did he need to not argue and pick up his pillow cases? Yes. Did I completely overreact? Absolutely.
I very nearly took myself to the store Saturday night to get some alcohol so I could calm down, but opted to take the kids outside and burn off that energy instead.
I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
The problem I have now is that I recognize I have this problem with mood swings, but I can’t seem to contain it. I always catch myself after I’ve lost my composure. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live a life where the slightest thing ignites me like a stick of dynamite. I don’t want to go through life pissed off. I don’t want my children to have a father who’s always yelling at them for trivial things. I had that and it fucking blows.
I had an appointment scheduled with my GP last Friday, but it was cancelled because he was out of the office. I have scheduled another one for this Friday and something is going to have to give. I either need the dosage of my mood stabilizer upped, to go back on to prozac (without drinking), or some other remedy because I don’t know how to fix this.
I need help. I can’t do this alone.
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break