I’m About to Break

~ Twindaddy

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try to live life without the help of Prozac. The emotional stability it had once provided me had vanished. My emotions were on some epic roller coaster ride which would cause someone with even the most solid stomach to toss their cookies. I had had enough. I was tired of the ups and downs – mostly downs. I was tired of living in shadows cast by insignificant people who, in the end, don’t even matter. I was tired of the tightening of my chest every time something shitty happened. I was tired of feeling like my heart was going to burst from my chest like a fucked up scene from Alien. I was just…tired.

In the span of a week a made two huge decisions regarding my mental health. The first was to quit drinking. Once I realized I was depending on it to shield me from my demons was the same moment I realized I had a problem. From that moment on (almost a month ago, now) I haven’t had a drink. The next week I took the last pill in my prozac bottle. I presumed that my prozac had quit working and that was the reason for my emotional instability. Plus, at my last visit with the doctor, he thought it might be time to come off the prozac since my divorce was falling further and further into the rearview.

Upon further analysis, I think the reason my emotions had been so erratic was probably the combination of prozac and alcohol. I mean, prozac is an antidepressant and alcohol is a depressant. What the fuck was I thinking?

Before my ex-wife left me, upending the axis of my life, the only real symptom of depression I exhibited was mood swings. I was horribly moody and inpatient. Frankly, I was an asshole. It wasn’t until I reviewed my actions that I realized it. She tried to tell me numerous times, but I refused to listen. I had to see it for myself. I figured mood swings wouldn’t be an issue coming off prozac since I was still taking a mood stabilizer.

I think I was wrong.

I spent the majority of this past weekend absolutely livid for no reason. If I had to repeat myself more than twice with the kids I was yelling. If I was walking through the living room and the dog walked into my path I got pissed. When my brother and his kids came over yesterday during the game I was highly irritated by the incessant cries for attention. This morning, when C’s mom emailed me to ask how his weekend was I wanted to tell her to fuck off. When I see certain gravatars pop up for the first time on blogs I follow I just want to throw shit.

One instance that sticks out to me is when Baby B was unloading a dryer full of his bedding. He dropped his pillow cases and was stepping on them. I told him he had dropped them and that he needed to pick them up. He whined some excuse I can no longer remember explaining why he couldn’t pick them up. I told him again to pick them up and again he whined. My temper went from 0 to 60 as quickly as you can snap your fingers, and I just let him have it. Did he need to not argue and pick up his pillow cases? Yes. Did I completely overreact? Absolutely.

I very nearly took myself to the store Saturday night to get some alcohol so I could calm down, but opted to take the kids outside and burn off that energy instead.

I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

The problem I have now is that I recognize I have this problem with mood swings, but I can’t seem to contain it. I always catch myself after I’ve lost my composure. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to live a life where the slightest thing ignites me like a stick of dynamite. I don’t want to go through life pissed off. I don’t want my children to have a father who’s always yelling at them for trivial things. I had that and it fucking blows.

I had an appointment scheduled with my GP last Friday, but it was cancelled because he was out of the office. I have scheduled another one for this Friday and something is going to have to give. I either need the dosage of my mood stabilizer upped, to go back on to prozac (without drinking), or some other remedy because I don’t know how to fix this.

I need help. I can’t do this alone.

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

Published by Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

103 thoughts on “I’m About to Break”

  1. You are not alone. I wish I had words to say that would make all this better, but I really think going to see the doc is the right move. I’m here if you want to talk, you know that.

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  2. I think the fact that you are aware of the fact that you are feeling out of control is a HUGE step in the right direction. Talking to your Dr. is another one. Sometimes trying to figure it all out is like a jigsaw puzzle. I wish I had concrete advice for you, but you will get there. In the interim, until you figure it out, when you feel that mist of rage descending, find a small coping mechanism–anything—that will help remind you. 10 deep breaths, leaving the room, punching a pillow, snapping a rubber band repeatedly on your wrist–doesn’t matter WHAT it is, just something to remind you of everything you just wrote above. Good luck.

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    1. See, the funny thing is (maybe not so funny) that once the thing irritating me is gone I’m almost right back to normal. It’s like night turns to day in the blink of an eye. It’s very disconcerting.

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  3. I have faith, my dear, that your GP will help you figure something out that works for you. It’s amazing you have been off alcohol for a month; it’s a huge accomplishment given everything else. You know how to reach me if you ever you need 🙂

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  5. Just going to reiterate that you are not alone. It took me 30 days to stabilize on Prozac. My moods were all over the place, which other people left me comments that they knew other people who had similar experiences with Prozac. You have a good plan in place, see your GP and find something to try. Congrats on cutting out the alcohol btw. I feel that is the right move.

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  7. I’m glad you’re not drinking. That, combined with a mood disorder, umm, isn’t good. You may have just come off the prozac too quickly, or maybe you need something different. But I’m glad you’re getting help. Seeing the problem is the first step to solving it. You will make it.

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  8. If we change nothing, nothing changes. I think getting rid of the alcohol is a big step and well done for making it through a month. It is not an easy thing to do, but I can only imagine how tempting it is to go back to it given your mood swings.
    I have no doubt that where there’s a will there’s a way. From reading your blog it is clear the love you have for your children, which will motivate you and also the past you are determined not to repeat.
    I wish you luck, however you go about it.

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    1. Thanks, Tric. I DO love my children and there are going to be times I need to yell to get through to them, but none of those times were this weekend.

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    1. I DO know now. I misunderstood and thought the prozac had stopped working when in all likelihood the alcohol was preventing it from working.

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  11. I wish there were anything I could do or say that would make a difference.

    I hope Friday is none too far, and helpful when it comes.

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  12. It would be a better idea to see a psychiatrist to get your meds straightened – that is their area of expertise. They don’t care so much about talking about your problems, but in getting you on the right balance of meds to correct any imbalances in your system.
    It sucks to have problems in this area, I’ve lived with it most of my life. And when I get out of balance (it sounds like this might be part of what’s causing problems for you), it’s such a struggle to live through the correction period.
    Also don’t forget you’ve just given up on alcohol, so your body is experiencing withdrawal symptoms which can play havoc with your emotions. Then there is the spectre of manopause which can cause huge mood swings. Try to be gentle with yourself, sit down with your kids & talk to them about what is going on for you. They know there is a problem, they can see it by how many times you get angry. Apologize to them where needed & ask for their cooperation in helping you get through this difficult time. There are lots of things they can do – like obeying the first time they’re asked & it makes them feel important to know they can help you.

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    1. Those are good suggestions, Benze. I probably will ask my doc about seeing a shrink Friday. Since he’s already treating me for this it seems best to go back to him first before changing anything.

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      1. I completely agree with Benzeknees. A psychiatrist has greater knowledge of the available meds, and their interactions, to control all types of mood disorders. I was on three different anti-depressants over the course of two years. They kept working for a little while, then not working. So, he reassessed, completely reviewing my history from back into high school. He changed by diagnosis to bipolar disorder II. It is likely I would have been diagnosed bipolar I in college. Mood swings and antidepressants not working might be bipolar disorder. I am so glad I have the right diagnosis now.

        You are so loving and so strong; you’re doing the right things to get better. Congratulations on your decision and action on now drinking. Be kind to yourself.

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  13. No easy answers is there? I mean we are all already broken somehow, none of us whole…so it’s a matter of trying to improve in each moment. You are always there for me and I’ll always be there for you as we make it through our own dark shadows.
    We just have to know when to tell the doc things aren’t working and then be patient as we can be. You know all of this…I empathize

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  15. I was wondering had you tried Prozac sans alcohol. I hope you get the answers you need come Friday. Sorry to hear you’re going through some turbulence. {{hugs}}

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    1. Thanks, Sarah. I quit taking Prozac literally a week after I stopped drinking, so not really. I probably should have given it longer, in retrospect, but I was under the assumption that the prozac had quit working. It really never occurred to me that alcohol had that big an impact on me.

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      1. It’s amazing how much alcohol can affect medications. I’m on a slew of meds but if I just have one beer, I can get a killer headache afterwards. It all depends on well everything. Haha. I hope you feel better soon and the irate irritableness takes a hike.

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  16. A shrink is a good idea. There are ways of dealing with some of the mood swings beyond or in addition to meds. Behavioral modification techniques can be very effective. You can teach yourself how to behave as you want to while the meds help you stabilize yourself. I did it. It worked.

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  17. You are doing the right thing in recognizing it and scheduling your next appointment. You would also probably feel better telling the kids what you are going through and how you did not mean to overreact. You have honest talks with them often, I have read. 🙂

    You have a lot going on at once so take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. Easier said than done, I know but its overwhelming to try to “fix it all” at once. Peace. 🙂

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  19. Don’t beat yourself up. It was a nice idea, and who DOESN’T want to be able to come off all the things, and be done with them. BUT it sounds like you’re being plenty analytical, you’re managing to at LEAST know when you’ve overreacted in hindsight, and you’re being proactive about getting to the doctor and seeing what can be done.

    Under the circs, you’re doing damn well 🙂

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      1. No, but it sounds like you’re putting positive steps in place, in spite of feeling that lack. I think that’s where the Good Stuff is, or you’d just be both hands in the air and letting it all slide. Or going back to drinking. Or both. But no – you have a plan. That’s half the battle.

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  20. So sorry to hear you’re going through this. Definitely good you are seeking help from the GP. Demand a referral if that’s what you want.

    You are not alone in this. Your post has probably encouraged others to come forward so you should be very proud of yourself.

    Try http://www.mind.org.uk if you need to speak to someone.

    All the best x

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  22. TD, it sounds like you went off Prozac cold turkey? Yes? I did that once with an anti-depressant. I hadn’t intended to, really, but I ran out, and then I felt I was better off without it. Anyway, it was a mistake. They can be really dangerous. So, I think a lot of your subsequent behavior is directly tied it. So, cut yourself some slack. Yes, do go see your GP immediately. Hang in there. Feel better. Tell yourself you will get through it. This isn’t all you. Prozac has everything to do with it.

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    1. Sadly, some of it IS me. As I said, this was in issue for me before I ever started taking Prozac, though I don’t remember it being quite so intense.

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        1. Thank you for sharing, Amy. I actually did very well last night with them and I’m another day closer to my appointment. *crosses fingers*

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  23. Man, TD. I feel for you hard. One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling out of control. I am sending good thoughts that you can find some answers, or at least some bandaids in the meantime. When I was struggling with anxiety, numerous people told me to try exercise. I always hated hearing that, because I hate exercising. I turned to meds, which did help me get things under control. However, I didn’t want to stay on the meds, and felt I had gotten to a point where I could manage “au natural.” But recently when that anxiety started creeping back in like a ninja, I decided I needed to value myself enough to try and take better care of my health, especially if staying off meds meant something to me. So I have been exercising. Nothing crazy, nothing that has even led to much weight loss or body transformation. But most days of the week I get up before the kids and go for a 20 minute run or walk. And damn it if it isn’t helping…not just my anxiety, but my mood and my patience with my family. I am still happy to hear you are going to talk to your doc. Maybe meds is what you need. Maybe it is not. Either way, doing something good for yourself won’t hurt. Because you are worth it. Take care, buddy. Let us know how things progress.

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    1. Thanks, Kelly. I have been doing some light exercise, similar to what you’ve been doing. Been going for walks, running around with the kids outside, etc. It has helped me feel better a bit, but still has done nothing for the ridiculously short fuse I seem to have developed suddenly. Hopefully I’ll have some answers come Friday. Maybe he’ll refer me to a shrink. We’ll see.

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  24. Until you see a psychiatrist to get medications sorted out and to discuss coping mechanisms you HAVE to treat your kids like the triggers they are. As long as you are aware that every time you see them, have to interact with them, re-direct them for the 900th time, that you WILL NOT be reacting as you want to and are capable of. Knowing that every time you see them you HAVE to be on guard against YOUR behaviour will help.
    I know this may sound silly, but start carrying a doll..or a plush football..something (just nothing hard)..and pretend..(i am not even kidding)…pretend that is an audience. Pretend it’s a fiend/cousin/a neighbor…you will be ‘acting’ for the benefit of the audience and it will help you to temper your immediate reaction until you come back into your right mind and realize that your initial reaction was excessive and unwarranted.
    Also…every time you know you are going to interact with the kids… get on the treadmill and just kill it for 5k or 10k..or before you have to do any parental things with them..you have to release physical energy…i PROMISE it will help you not trigger as quickly as you have the good endorphin’s pushing through your system. If you do over react…then tell them you have and say you have to put yourself into a time out…put on a movie for them…cartoon..computer time..and get on the treadmill, exercise bike…do push-ups or burpies in the basement…anything to get your brain redirected and the triggers removed.
    The kids may think you are crazy unless you sit them down before hand and explain what you are doing and why …but they will also think you are being fair..and kids are all about being fair. They will also see you are trying and giving yourself consequences. Use your words…say to them “you are frustrating me and I am getting angry”. That may be enough to change their behaviour. If nothing else it does eventually start to help…and believe me, the first time you yell it in frustration and leave the room, they will notice. Just make sure to come back once you are in control.
    Give direction ONCE and then immediately show what you want done…do not do not do not..say it 2-3-4 times. Explain the new rules. You will be surprised at how quickly they catch on and things get easier very fast.
    Good luck…kids are not easy. But you can do it because you actually want to…you just need the coping mechanisms because the desire is there, so you will succeed.

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    1. Thank you so much! These are some really good suggestions! Hopefully I can teach myself to walk away when I feel the anger coming on. Normally I’m finished yelling by the time I realize I’ve lost it. I have been taking walks but at different times of the day. Often I do it at work because that’s when I have time to do it.

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  27. I’m happy that you are still not drinking. I’m even happier that you are recognizing this anger and why it is likely happening. Feel free to tell me I don’t know what the f*ck I’m talking about because I don’t have kids…it might be wise to tell them what is going on. You’ve had difficult discussions before and it seems like they give you all due respect.

    Regarding throwing shit cuz you see certain avatars on blogs you follow, it just took them longer to know what you knew all along (everyone can’t be as smart as you)? You can ignore unless they attack you, right?

    I hope you are able to see your GP and they can help set things straight. I only want what’s best for you.

    J.

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    1. Thanks, Jaded. I DO need to talk to the kids and let them know, I just have trouble talking to them about my shortcomings. Also, with them being in football, finding time one on one with them is difficult at the moment. But I will try to do it after their game tomorrow night.

      Also, I would never tell you you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re much more intelligent than you give yourself credit for.

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  29. Had a hard time liking this, except acknowledging your strength and wisdom in taking the steps you have so far. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I think the best suggestion I saw was the one about talking to your children, explaining what was going on so they can help you, make them part of the process. Shocking, but young people will step to the plate when given the chance.

    Good luck in finding your way through this quickly. You are, I think well on your way. I admire you, for taking steps on your own, for your bravery.

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    1. Thank you, Val. I will talk to them as soon as I am able. I don’t have them tonight, but I do tomorrow. I’ll talk to them then.

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  30. TD, you are not alone. I know you know that there are many out here who care and want to help.

    When I read the bit where “instead you decided to go outside with the kids and burn off the energy” I pumped my fist in the air and cheered!

    I wish I could fully explain how much I get out if exercise (beyond fitness abs weight loss). When I say I found my happy through sweat, I truly mean it.

    Seeing your GP is a great first step. If you need meds, please take them, but also think about channeling that extra energy into something physical, often. Exercise is nature’s mood lifter. For reals.

    xoxo

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  31. I’m on my phone so I couldn’t read through all of the comments bit I caught most of them. First, I am right there with you. Mood swings and irrational lashing out have been happening here too and I am completely exhausted by it. So you are not alone. Second, I am proud of you for not turning to alcohol. I’m sure you know without me telling you that would only make it worse in the end. But I said it anyway. Third, yes! See your doc. You are doing the right things. And use your life lines, which I’m sure you do. Keep using them until things feel right again. I know I’m somewhere on that list. Hang in there. It will be all right.

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    1. You are on that list, but I try to keep my bitching to a minimum, if I can. I feel like a burden reaching out to someone for the purposes of complaining. I wrote this mainly to get it off my chest.

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  32. I misread “latest post” as “last post.” Holy Freudian slip!

    Drinking doesn’t shield you from your demons. Drinking IS a demon.

    I’m glad you have clarity and realize you need help. Thank God for that. It’s incredibly mature and stable of you.

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  34. You’ve recognized and identified the problem, arranged the help to address it and no harm done. That’s what counts TD. And that’s exactly the right way to do it. I’m sure your doc will help you out – hang in there.

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  35. I feel like a fucking asshole for missing this because you know I would’ve reached out. Do you do talk therapy too? Or does the doc just push you meds? I’m asking for a good reason I promise. I went off of meds years ago & I’m okay for the most part. I’ve thought about going back on but they hurt more than they helped. Sometimes therapy by itself can be a HUGE help. It depends on the therapist, though. It also depends on the patient. I’m fully aware some of us need meds. I may need them again someday too.
    I commend you for giving up the alcohol, though. That is a gigantic step in the right direction. Booze and people like us just doesn’t mix well. It makes us worse.

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    1. Well, if I ever get to SEE my fucking doctor I’m going to ask him to recommend a shrink or therapist. I really don’t want to rely on meds, but if I have to I have to.

      And don’t feel like an asshole. There’s no reason to. There was a lot going on last weekend, which might have added to my constant eruptions.

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      1. *hugs tight* I wanna punch doctors, schools, so many things right now. There is so much shit wrong with this world it makes me sick.
        I hope things work out for you friend. You know I’m here in the meantime/in-between-time.

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          2. Sadly, it wouldn’t be different anywhere else. Every doctor office in Northern Kentucky is owned by this same company…

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          3. Ugh. I smell greed. Monstrous, stinking, festering, uncaring, corporate greed.
            & This is why a lot of people I know are starting to look towards holistic medicine & alternative treatments. It’s a dirty, awful shame – it really is.
            Your mental health should not have to suffer because some asshole that probably drives a Benz wants to continue to line his pockets.
            Forgive my ranting & raving. It’s just something I hear time & time again from a lot of people I care about (yourself now added to that list) & it just upsets me. Plain & simple.

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  36. OK, so I’m rather late to this party, but I hope you’ve got the prozac back. Quitting the drink has probably been the best thing you could do, but the meds are required while you continue to figure out how to avoid the whole Jekyll & Hyde thing.

    And I’m now only just catching up on my unread posts. It doesn’t mean I’ve not been praying for you though. xx

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