You

It was a leviathan climb, but I got over you. It wasn’t quite my Mount Everest, but it was probably my Kilimanjaro. When sorting my emails I can skip right by the folder in which all of my emails from you are stored without my heart skipping a beat. When looking for a picture to upload to Facebook I can skip right by the pictures of us without my heart imploding. When songs of heartbreak and love lost assault me my thoughts no longer wander to you. It’s all water under a bridge made of ash.

What happened happened and there’s nothing I can do to change it. For my part, I’ve tried to make amends. I’ve explained. I’ve apologized. I’ve begged. I’ve pleaded. I’ve made an ass of myself seeking forgiveness you’ll never grant me. I understand what I did wrong, and I’ve learned from it. I also understand why you feel the way you feel.

Despite being at a healthy place (in regards to what happened between us), you have entered my nocturnal subconscious twice in the past week. My dreams and I don’t often get a long. My dreams fuck me up, leave me scratching my head, then flash me with one of those tools from Men In Black, rendering me unable to recall what had happened in my mind’s playground while I slept.

I do, however, recall snippets of the dream I had last night. You, and what I can only presume were coworkers, came into my office at work. I have no idea what you all were doing there. Again, only snippets of the dream remain. What I do recall is the frigidity. You didn’t even acknowledge I was there. It was like you didn’t see me at all, a Patrick Swayze to your Demi Moore.

Then, at the end of our work day, I noticed you had been injured somehow. Again, my dream is unclear. You were in a wheel chair and at the top of a staircase I descend every day when leaving work. I offered to assist you down the stairs and you declined. There was no one else there to help you, yet you still refused my help.

I think the reason I remember this part of the dream so clearly is because I feel like this would actually happen in real life. You actually hate me so much that were you confined to a wheelchair and needed to descend a staircase you would refuse my help even if I were the only person nearby. That still bothers me. It doesn’t incapacitate me any longer, but it’s still hard to wrap my head around the fact that someone who knows me so intimately hates me so passionately.

I haven’t thought about you this much in a long, long time. Were it not for these dreams it would likely be a long while still. I truly hope that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that you’re happy. I hope you’ve let go of the anger you held for me and others – not for my benefit, but for yours. I hope you find joy in the people you love and who love you in return. I hope your smile still outshines the sun.

 

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About Twindaddy (336 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

45 Comments on You

  1. Congratulations. This is a hard place to get to…not forgetting the past so much, not deleting all those emails, but moving past it. Recognising it is what it is. I have to remind myself some days that I can’t control anyone else or what they do; all I can control is my reaction to them and their actions.

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    • Not gonna lie, it took a long time to get where I am. I’ve been here for a few months, but still. These dreams are surprising, honestly. I have no idea why they are happening. Then again, I don’t understand most of what my mind does…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The subconcous mind…. is a messed up thing…. . Or mine is at least. Honestly have been sleeping badly as well but can’t recall why.

    hugs.

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  3. This reminds me of the song “Forgiveness” (by Don’t Henley). I loved it long before I really heard it, then loved it all the more afterward. That song will always hold a special place in my heart, as will the act of forgiveness, though I no longer live or die by whether I’m forgiven … so beyond my control is it.

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  4. I may be out to lunch on this TD but it occurred to me that you are dreaming that someone who obviously needs your help (after all how does one get down a set of stairs in a wheel chair without help?) is refusing it. It could relate to the co-dependency issue you spoke of previously – you feel insulted if someone refuses your help as if they are trying to rebuff you, it makes you feel upset. This looks suspiciously to me like your subconscious working through how to handle a life in which not only do some not want your help but, in fact, even when it is obvious they need it, they refuse it. A sort of first step of how you deal with the fact that you have chosen to no longer enable those who lean on you. I takes years, if not decades to make the kind of life changes you are and no doubt your subconscious will want to know why by bringing attention to your behaviour and how much it may hurt at times.

    Anyway, that is just a thought – dreams are very personal and can hold many meanings. It is possble that you fear someone you loved/love may be under threat of paralysis. The list is endless, but I have found that when your conscious comes up with the right interpretation you can feel it sort of click underneath. Ha! I was once asleep in my truck (it had a sleeper berth) and I had a dream that I was being pursued by a herd pf cows. They chased me across a plain and were just about to run ove me when I ducked into a little house that appeared and watched as the herd stampeded aroud the house. It was very real and I could hear the constant moo-ing. It woke me up and as I lay there puzzling about the “deep” meaning of this dream, I realized I was still hearing the moo-ing. It was a bit surreal, like my dream had followed me into the real world. I jumped up in just my shorts and peeked out of the side window of the truck in the dark. While I had slept, a loaded cattle carrier had pulled up beside me and parked and there were about 30 cows moo-ing loudly beside my truck. So much for the deep meaning of my dream. Ha!

    Anywa, good luck TD and I’m sure that if your carry on in the direction you are going that things will continue to improve.

    Great Post TD.

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    • That’s definitely one way to look at it. It never occurred to me to look at it from a codependent point of view.

      As to your cow dream, I’ve had dreams like that before, too. Like, I’d be hearing a song in a dream, wake up, and that song was playing somewhere in the house. Those things are so weird.

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  5. I think the phrase (or the inverse of the phrase) ‘Wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire’ sounds like it applies here.

    I’m glad you’re moving on, no matter what tangles your subconscious wants to get into. It’s hard to do. I have some photos to delete, that reminds me. Thanks.

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  6. Actually, even though I know it’s just a dream, it’s her loss. People who cut themselves off from one person tend to do it throughout their lives. You’ll get over it/have done. She’ll keep getting herself into that situation, which is quite sad.

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    • I’m honestly not even worried about the situation any more. I wrote about this mostly because she’d entered my dreams in the past few days (which had never happened before) and felt like writing it out.

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  7. It’s our minds way of processing this kind of thing. Even though it may not feel like it, it means you’re one step closer to closure.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Good. Closure needs to get on with it.

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  9. Kristi Campbell - findingninee // September 19, 2014 at 7:38 pm // Reply

    It’s so fascinating how we process stuff when we sleep. Years ago, I had a not-so-good relationship, but I didn’t really see it as not-so-good, then. One day, I went for this super-long walk, and really tried to think about the whole thing without being emotional and weird about the fear I had of losing him. And that night, I didn’t speak to him (he lived in a different state) for long, just to try and maintain clarity. I had the most amazing dream of my life that night. I was flying this airplane over these gigantic waves, so close, like up and down right with them, and it was so freeing and amazing and just fucking HAPPY, and I looked down on the ground and saw him, standing there, totally pissed at me for having fun without him. I finally ended it – that dream was the start.
    I hope yours is the start to all that you need.

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  10. Beautifully written and with lovely insights!

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  11. This is the hardest part of it all, simply opening heart and letting go. I said from the very beginning, from the minute I walked through the front door and found my husband of 15 years gone without good-bye, I said “I hope you find peace, I hope you are happy with your choices, I hope you find happiness”.

    When I first said it, I meant it in the meanest way possible. I meant it as a curse. But over time, I said it as a mantra to stop myself from hurting and eventually, it became the truth not just as my wish for him but for me also.

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  12. This shows the deep hurt you are still feeling inside. You try not to let it get you any longer but that pit in your stomach remains. I struggle with a similar situation with someone I was close to. Turns out we were both defending our own children and could not get passed that to continue our friendship. Our dedication to our own children is not penetrable and will never waiver. Sad but it is what it is. I have dreams about her often.

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  13. You sure know how to bring tears to the surface.

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  14. I’m glad you’re getting to a place of peace with this past relationship. You will have reached full acceptance & forgiveness when you no longer feel anything for the person, you stop wondering if they feel as bad as you do, you stop wishing them ill & you stop feeling like they “happened” to you. It was a part of your life, good or bad, it shaped who you are. You would be someone completely different if you had not had them in your life.

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    • I actually don’t wonder any of those things. As I said, I mainly wrote about this because of my dreams (which made no sense to me).

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  15. The subconcious does do some strange things to us as it’s sorting us out. I reckon that Paul’s comment above is a plausible reason for why you had this particular dream. Dreams do have meanings, sometimes. Other times, you’re just being chased by a giant pair of socks.

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