When I emerged from the shower this morning I was assaulted by the sounds of Baby A singing while he got dressed. Sadly, both of the twins inherited their mother’s gruesome singing voice. I kindly stepped into his room, and told him his singing sounded as good as his bed head looked, and that he needed to stop. Especially since C was still sleeping.
“But I sing like a boss!” he claimed.
“You know, bosses are normally assholes, and they can be fired,” I countered.
“Did your boss get fired?” B butted in.
“No. But he should be.”
Before they could utter any more sarcastic – and completely unfunny – retorts, I exited the room so I could finish getting ready for work. And that was the end of it. For them.
I normally ponder many a thing during my morning commute, and this morning was no different. Specifically, I was pondering how the phrase “Like a boss” caught on. Let’s face it. Most of us don’t like our bosses. Most of them are either an asshole, lazy, stupid, or a frankensteinian combination of all three. Since I began working almost 20 years ago I’ve only had a handful of bosses I’ve respected. A majority of them have not only been incapable of adequately performing their job, but they also displayed other personality defects like sexism, racism, or favoritism. It seems a lot of the people smart enough to be bosses are also smart enough to know they don’t want the responsibility that comes with it, so the idiots get promoted.
So having pondered all of the above, I again began wondering exactly why bosses have become all the rage recently. Why would we want to do anything like a boss? Why, when we excel at something, do we do it “Like a boss?” Why, when we vehemently agree with something someone has said, do we bossnod? I’ve been a boss before and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Managing people is like being an adoptive parent to a bunch of whiny-ass, adult children. He makes more money than meeeeeeee. I don’t get enough hourrrrrrrrrssss. Please don’t fire me for coming in late for the 84675th time. Why do I hafta mop and so-and-so doesn’t? I don’t wannaaaaaaa.
Bosses suck. Being a boss sucks.
As I normally do when I don’t understand something, I turned to Google. I ran into a Wikipedia article that claims the term “Like a Boss” was popularized by a Saturday Night Live digital short released in 2009, featuring Andy Samberg and Seth Rogan. Considering SNL hasn’t been funny since the late 70’s, my curiosity was still not satiated. So I watched the video, and I gotta say, I’d have enjoyed wiping my ass with sandpaper more than watching that video. That is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. So stupid, in fact, that I refuse to link to it here because I refuse to subject people I like to that idiocy.
So, having ascertained the origins of this phrase, I’m extremely unlikely to ever use it again. I feel dumber for having watched that video, and I refuse to give the impression that I thought it was funny by ever uttering the words “like a boss” again. I also don’t wish to give the impression I think anything Seth Rogan has ever been a part of is funny. Because no.
Okay. Well, one last time then.