So you’ve seen Star Wars once or 58,327,459,473 times and you’re thinking to yourself, “That stormtrooper gig looks pretty easy. Plus, that armor is absolutely sexy as all get out. I could be a stormtrooper for sure!”
Well hold on there, scooter. Not so fast. Being a stormtrooper is more than just slaughtering Jawas, chasing rebels, and twerking. Although, twerking, if done right, is an amazing spectacle to behold.
Being a stormtrooper requires dedication. There’s a vigorous training regimen involved. You have to condition yourself to carry around plastic armor that won’t save you from even the most glancing of blaster bolts…or rocks thrown by rebellious teddy bears. There’s hours of training while you and your blaster carbine become one with each other – the marksmanship of Imperial stormtroopers is legendary, after all. You’ll have to learn how to survive Darth Vader’s wrath when you inevitably fail. Its hard not to believe in the Force when you see a man kill another man just by thinking about it.
To help you ascertain whether or not you’re stormtrooper material, I’ve devised this handy quiz. You can thank me later.
1. You have encountered some rebel scum. With your handy-dandy E-11 blaster carbine, you unload on this unsavory blight on the galaxy with your itchy trigger finger. When finished, the results are:
- That scum is dead.
- Everything in your general vicinity has been hit…except the rebel. And he/she then killed you with one shot.
- Jawas that weren’t there a minute ago are inexplicably laying dead on the ground.
- You had your blaster carbine turned around and accidentally shot yourself instead.
2. A disheveled-looking old man tells you the droids stuffed into the back of his speeder aren’t the droids you’re looking for, yet you can plainly see that they are. What do you do next?
- Blast the old idiot and confiscate the droids, winning the praise of a very powerful and very angry Sith Lord.
- Respond with a fake laugh, sarcasm, and ask if you look like you’re really that stupid. When he says yes, resort to answer number 1.
- Tell the old man to move along and agree with him that those aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
- Flip a coin and let luck determine your actions while muttering something asinine about justice.
3. You’re chasing intruders throughout the Death Star. Ahead of you a blast door is rising, but not quickly enough. Do you…
- Continue at full speed and duck your head to avoid hitting the blast door?
- Continue at full speed and simply slam your head into the bottom of the door?
- Stop and demand to know who’s playing with the switch?
- Fake an injury and fall to the ground, clutching your ankle and cursing the poor genetics passed on to you by your rebel-sympathizing parents?
4. You’re wading through the Forest Moon of Endor and notice an Ewok on a tree branch about 20m up in the air. The Ewok has a large rock in his hands and is about to launch it at you. Do you…
- Throw your hands up and wait for the rock to hit you, and end up unconscious when it does.
- With the ample time you have before the rock hits you, step to the side and then blast the little hellion.
- Grab the trooper next to you and yank him into the rock’s path. Laugh uncontrollably when the rock hits your fellow trooper.
- Curl up in the fetal position and begin crying about this not being what you signed up for.
5. Darth Vader wants to know why you’ve replaced two energy packs in your blaster without hitting a single thing you aimed for. Do you…
- Blame poor Imperial training.
- Blame the helmet for hindering your vision.
- Wave your hand and say, “This is not the trooper you’re looking for.”
- Get force-choked to death before you can answer.
I’m sure you’re all eager to know how you did on your quiz. Please watch this training video while we calculate the correct answers.
The correct answers are as follows:
If you answered all questions correctly…what are you still doing here? Go enroll for the Imperial Academy quickly!
If you answered 4 questions correctly…you are Imperial stormtrooper material and with a little bit of training we can mold you into an elite trooper.
If you answered 3 questions correctly…you might be eligible for stormtrooper training. Further testing is required to ascertain your eligibility.
If you answered 2 questions correctly…you have rebel sympathizing tendencies. Search the holonet to see what happens to those who support the Rebellion. Warning: graphic content.
If you answered 1 question correctly…you are a rebel sympathizer. Remain where you are while a squad of troopers is dispatched to dispense Imperial justice.
If you answered no questions correctly…you are a rebel. Prepare to be blasted.
Four Score (but really only two months) Ago…
Interview With a Trooper – Episode IX
Interview With a Trooper – Episode VIII
My Mother’s Shoes
The “Gift” That Keeps On Giving
Interview With a Trooper – Episode VII – The Sarcasm Awakens
Interview With a Trooper – Episode VI – Return of the Sarcasm
Interview With a Trooper – Episode V