Thank you for tuning in to the Imperial News Network, where we’ll give you a completely biased viewpoint provided by the government. We report. We decide.

It’s that time again! Time for me to sit on my soapbox and dish opinions out on today’s news stories. Not all of them, of course. That would take far too long and get boring fairly quickly. In this edition I’ve gone more in-depth on my opinions, so there are fewer stories and more verbal diarrhea. You’re welcome.

Imagine you’re gay. You live an open life and have a partner of the same gender. You want a child, but you don’t adopt because it’s damn near impossible for same-sex couples to get approved for adoption. So you get artificially inseminated (Obviously, you’re also female). Now, imagine that you and your partner are both white and that nine months later you give birth to a mixed child due to a clerical error at the sperm bank. Are you going to sue the sperm bank because you have a mixed child?

If you’re Jennifer Cramblett and Amanda Zinkon you do. Never mind that for most of history, two gay women having a child naturally wasn’t even possible (or accepted). Never mind that they have a gorgeous little 2-year old girl. They are worried about their daughter being mistreated because she’s half-black.

While that IS a valid concern, even if their daughter was white she would still face criticism for having two moms. It’s not fair, but that’s the way the world is. Cramblett is also worried that her “all white, and often unconsciously insensitive family” might mistreat her half-black daughter.

Mrs. Cramblett, if your family mistreats your daughter simply because she’s half-black then you kick them to the curb. Under no circumstances should you tolerate any mistreatment of her. Furthermore, if your family is open-minded enough to have accepted the fact that you’re gay and married to a woman, I find it hard to believe they would reject or mistreat a biracial child.

You two ladies need to be thankful that you have a happy, healthy daughter and drop this ridiculous lawsuit. Get your fucking priorities straight.

Oh, dear. More racial insensitivity. Dafuq is wrong with people?

Robert Pattinson, horrible actor and sparkling vampire wannabe, is dating musician FKA twigs (I’m sure there’s some reasonable explanation for that asinine name, but that’s a post for another day.). Now, there is a faction of Americans out there who are die-hard Twilight fans. They even have their own name. Twihards. I wish I were making this up. Anyhow, these…Twihards…are upset for some reason that Pattinson is no longer giving the business to Kristen Stewart. Toward that end, they have been harassing FKA twig on Twitter. That in itself is lame. What’s entirely even more loathsome, however, is that they are doing so with racism.

Yes, folks, FKA twig is black.

First of all, Twihards, get a fucking grip. I’m a Star Wars nerd but do you see me getting bent out of shape because Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher aren’t married? No. These are actors and actors are not required to carry out your ridiculous fantasies in real life. Shocking, I know. Secondly, racism is NOT acceptable. Ever. Who Pattinson decides to date is HIS business, and no one else’s. Geezass.

*this story is from Reddit, and has not been confirmed by any reliable source*
A 2nd grade teacher somewhere in America let a parent of one of her students bring in cookies on a Friday because the class had done well throughout the week. Friday afternoon, a parent walked in with a batch of cookies…with vaginas made of frosting on them.

The teacher explained that she could not give those to the children and the mom went OFF. She shouted things like,’You should be proud of your vagina’ and ‘You are settling for a women’s role in life.’ Right in front of the children, too.

Then, the mother leaves and continues to unload on the teacher via email. Among the winning (sarcasm alert) in this email, the mother tells the teacher that she has “settled” because teaching is a woman’s job, that the vagina should be celebrated, and that she hopes the teacher ends up with a husband who beats her.

Classy, eh?

So, Crazy Vagina Lady, you’re right. The vagina should be celebrated. Lord knows I celebrate every time I see one. There is just one thing you’re forgetting, though. Those children were 2ND-FUCKING-GRADERS!

Survey says….YOU’RE A DUMBASS!!

There is an appropriate time and age for sex education. 7-year-olds are not your target audience. Or, they shouldn’t be. Furthermore. lambasting a teacher for refusing to break out into an ad-libbed edition of the Vagina Monologues in front of second-graders only makes YOU look like a tool. It is not a teacher’s place to decide classroom curriculum. That is decided at state level, not by the teacher. It is, or should be, a parent’s choice when and how to educate their children about sex. That is not up to you. You need to take a Valium and calm the fuck down.

The NFL has come under extreme fire this year for its botching of the Ray Rice case in the wake of his vicious assault on his then-girlfriend, now-wife. And rightly so. In the aftermath, they’ve updated their Domestic Violence policy, and two of the three players accused of DV right now are not playing.

While the NFL still struggles with the spate of ugly DV charges against its players, one athlete in another sport continues to play and hardly anyone is talking about it. That player is Hope Solo. Hope Solo has been accused of assaulting her 17-year-old nephew and his mother.

To be fair, Solo’s case is still ongoing. She maintains her innocence. Meanwhile, she has been named to the US Olympic Team. I’m a firm believer in “innocent until proven guilty,” but if we, as a public, are going to demand the NFL punish players who have yet to be convicted then the US Soccer team should also be held to that same standard, and should punish Hope Solo by excluding her from the roster. Domestic Violence comes in a multitude of forms and is not committed only by men. I have been a victim of Domestic Violence in the past and I can testify to that fact. Hope Solo should be held to the same standard by the public as the NFL players we’ve been (rightly) demonizing.

That’s all we have for today’s program! Sound off on today’s stories in the comments below!