Coming Out

No you’re not lost. Yes, I’ve done it again. Let me ‘splain, though…

When I retired Stuphblog and opened TD421 I didn’t really open a new blog. I merely changed the name and URL of the existing blog I had. My blog has been wonky ever since. Yes, I just said wonky. I decided to leave it be, though, because the thought of changing everything again was daunting.

Then a couple of things happened. When I started promoting fundraising for this year’s AFSP Out of the Darkness walk, I realized I could only raise funds under my real name. I was torn between protecting my anonymity and giving my full support to a vital cause. I had been wrestling with this until recently, when a fellow blogger began promoting Mental Health Awareness Week and World Mental Health Day. Under her real name.

It struck me at that moment that even though I’ve been very open about my mental health through my online endeavors, I’ve not been very open about it in my personal life. In fact, I’ve made no attempt to talk about it with anyone other than my children. I feel very ashamed by the thought of discussing my depression with anyone in real life. It’s something I can’t explain. So I’ve been inspired to blog openly about my mental health. As a way of forcing myself to confront this, I will now be blogging under my real name (first name only) and sharing my posts where everyone can see them, meaning I’ll be exposing my writing (and therefore every skeleton in my closet) on my personal Facebook and Google+ pages (not that anyone ever checks Google+, but that’s another post for another day). That’s as transparent as I’m willing to go. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve done since deciding to become a father again.

I figured since I’ll be changing everything around here I may as well start a completely new blog while I’m at it. There were too many demons in the archives of my old blog, anyhow. Literally. I figured, a fresh new purpose deserves a fresh new blog. I’ll still use this blog as I always have: poetry, flash fiction, anecdotes, and kids-driving-me-crazy stories, but the main reason for this change is for me to hold myself more accountable for my mental health and to force it out into the open so the choice to hide it fades.

So here goes….*takes a big breath*

me

My name is Scott. I was diagnosed as manic-depressive at the age of 13. After a year of treatment we moved and I was never seriously treated for it again until my separation in August of 2012. I recently tried coming off of my medication, thinking that perhaps my depression was situational, but I was wrong. I have since accepted the fact that taking medication will be a part of my daily life until death do me part. I made this decision with the help of my doctor.

Depression runs in my family, which makes it all the more incredulous that I’ve been too ashamed to share my diagnosis with others. I am hardly alone. Not even close. I’m hoping that by speaking about my mental health openly and transparently, I can encourage others to do so as well. Eventually, if we all keep talking about it and can remove the stigma, those of us who need help won’t feel so ashamed in asking for it.

Despite my depression, I’m very much a functioning member of society. I go to work. I pay my bills. I raise my children. I don’t murder people who cut me off on the highway, though I’m sorely tempted (joking, of course). I am no danger to others and really not a danger to myself. Not physically, anyhow. But I battle. There is a never-ending struggle in my mind for control of my emotions. You don’t see it, but know it’s there. You also need to understand that there’s nothing to be afraid of. Working with, or befriending, someone with depression is okay. It’s not contagious, and more people have it than you might think.

I have been blogging for years from behind the mask of a stormtrooper under the pseudonym Twindaddy. I’ve become accustomed to that and kinda like it. Star Wars, and stormtroopers in particular, will still very much be a theme around here. But it’s time for me to do something more with my words, and no one takes a stormtrooper seriously. I mean, have you seen the movies? Those guys couldn’t catch a dead chicken. So, for this cause most dear to my heart (depression and suicide prevention), I have decided to remove the mask.

It’s time I walked the walk. I hope you’ll walk with me.

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About Twindaddy (325 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

109 Comments on Coming Out

  1. Scott (AKA Twindaddy) // October 11, 2014 at 10:35 am // Reply

    Reblogged this on TD421 and commented:

    Yes, I’ve done it again. This time for real and this time for keeps. Please come over and support me on my new blog. I will be shutting this one down in a few day’s time…

    Like

  2. Reblogged this on Serins Sphere and commented:
    This is the bravest thing ever, and it just makes me love this dear blog friend of mine all the more….
    Over the last few months he has become a real source of help to me. As most of you do know, I have a really bad case of depression. So please welcome Scott to the world of open blogging.

    Trust me when I say, it is really, really brave.

    (hugs) to you Scott. I can not even start to explain how much you rock.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Whoa…here’z my 2 cents… πŸ˜‰ well good that I don’t have to imagine a face while reading your posts…brave step considering what you are disclosing..

    Like

  4. Another brave step forward….good for you!! xx

    As a side note – the bar on the side of your blog is cutting off some of your blog post as well as some of the comments.

    Like

    • Scott (AKA Twindaddy) // October 11, 2014 at 11:58 am // Reply

      Oops. The page must not have loaded correctly for ya. I haven’t had any problems. Thank you for stopping over, though. Your support, as always, is very much appreciated.

      Like

  5. And as soon as I commented….it is no longer doing that….

    Like

  6. I just want to say for the record I never discounted anything you said, even when through a storm trooper. It maybe because of my great love of everything star wars. Very brave step and needed!

    Like

  7. peace, brother! you keep writing and i’ll keep reading. xo

    Like

  8. If nothing else, extra points for not taking your selfie in the bathroom mirror.
    Nice to meet you.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. OMG! You are one handsome lookin’ lad Scott. Love that grin. Very brave to come out like this. I admire your intestinal fortitude. Wait, isn’t that a strong bowel? Hmm, I’ll have to look it up. *Waves good-bye to TD421.*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Scott (AKA Twindaddy) // October 11, 2014 at 12:01 pm // Reply

      How YOU doin’?

      I’m very nervous about this, but I feel like it’s something I needed to do. And as a newly transparent blogger, I’m not willing to discuss my bowels….

      Thanks for your support, Paul!

      Like

  10. And all this time I thought your name was “Drun”.

    Like

  11. Yay!! Hiii!! πŸ™‚

    Like

  12. Awesome man. I have gotta give you a high five over the interwebs. πŸ™‚

    Like

  13. Hi Scott! As always, you are an inspiration…

    Like

  14. Hello, Scott. It’s great to put a name and a face to the blogger (although you had done both in that password-protected blog you once had). And I know that it has to be you on the photo because of all the Star Wars memorabilia on the shelves behind you.

    Like

  15. Good for you for coming Out of the Darkness. I hope you find the warmth of the sun comforting. I, for one, welcome you.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Nice to meet you. : )

    Liked by 1 person

  17. *walks with you* You’re fabulous, yaknow that? πŸ™‚ Good for you.

    Like

  18. Nice to meet you Scott! But you’ll always be TD to me. I am taking a very interesting online course at FutureLearn university where we are discussing the merits of nature (inherited) or nurture (learned) aspects of mental health. Like yours my family has a long history of mental health issues as well as Alzheimers (so if I forget your name, you’ll know why LOL). There is no hard & fast conclusion about whether mental health issues are nature or nurture, but it is certainly interesting to contemplate what happens within our brains to make us the people we are. Can’t walk with you due to disability, but I’ll be cheering from the sidelines!

    Like

    • Considering how many people on my mom’s side of the family have depression, I’m a firm believer that it’s genetic. Of course, it’s different for each person, especially considering circumstances.

      And hooray for cheering! We can always use some cheerleaders, too!

      Like

      • And therein lies the rub. Some psychologists believe you are born with a clean slate but every time something happens to you it changes your brain. If the same type of things happens to you over & over then it makes a bigger change in your brain. The nurture part comes in when your family (who have their own problems) impose some of their problems on you as part of your upbringing.

        Like

  19. Nice to meet you Scott aka Twindaddy, here’s hoping good things for your new blog πŸ™‚

    Like

  20. That’s a nice snapshot. You look like a Bond villain! It’s so weird to match a face with the words. Do you know what’s a really strange sensation? When you meet someone in person and hear the voice. It knocks you back a bit.

    Okay. Properly bookmarked.

    Like

  21. Well done, Scott. May you find peace in your openness.

    Like

  22. Very cool, Scott. I think it’s brave to “out” yourself about your experiences with mental illness– and maybe someday it won’t have to be the sort of thing that people have to muster courage to talk about. Society at large is slow to catch on to embracing realities that are already a complete norm in daily life, behind closed doors.

    Like

  23. Congrats, Scott. I’m walking with you. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there. I applaud you for doing it. I think it’s the right step to take in talking about mental health. I’m so happy for you.

    Like

  24. Martha Kennedy // October 11, 2014 at 2:51 pm // Reply

    Wow. Hi Scott! Very beautiful post and very touching and very brave. Welcome out.

    Like

  25. Well, look at you!
    Who knows? Maybe I’ll be next…

    Like

  26. Proud of you, friend. *Cheers to lifting masks* (or helmets) πŸ˜‰
    It’s such a worthy cause. You know I support you in anything you do.
    Depression is a motherfucker. I hope all of us kick its ass someday. You’re definitely taking the steps.

    Like

  27. Very well done, my friend. Bravely and beautifully. You know you have my support, with or without the mask. Wish I could give you a hug right now πŸ™‚

    Like

  28. What courage! πŸ™‚ Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  29. It was a very brave thing to do.Your posts are great!

    Like

  30. Hi Scott! Lovely to meet the man behind the mask. Brave, beautiful and bloody ballsy! Now you have the force with you. πŸ™‚ x

    Like

  31. Congratulations Scott and nice to meet you. Brave and perfect.

    Like

  32. *gasp* You have a face! I’m always surprised to see that online people have a face. Just like me. I kind of really imagined you to be a stormtrooper.
    But you look very kind πŸ™‚ Very brave to show yourself like this, but it might indeed pay off!

    Like

  33. Scott, I’ve known you’re Scott for a while now, but like others I’ll have to think of you as TD a bit. Still, you’re courageous for this. I am, and everyone else here are, willing to help. Not sure if that sentence is even constructed properly.

    I’m a righter…

    Like

  34. Hey Scott. This is awesome and brave. Look forward to reading more from you, and learning.

    Like

  35. Impressive and inspiring. Welcome, O Unmasked Scott.

    Like

  36. I’m sorry I’m late to your coming out party πŸ˜‰ – not sure how I missed this. I think you are even more awesome after doing this. Good for you πŸ™‚

    Like

  37. Nice to meet you, Scott. πŸ™‚ I hope sharing “you” with us becomes a healing part of your journey. I applaud you for helping to banish the stigma that comes with depression.

    And I might add, you are better looking than a storm trooper.

    Like

  38. Bravo, dude! Also, does this mean you will retire the Drun Kenman twitter alias? (Especially since you are no longer Drunky McDrunkerson…)

    Like

  39. It’s always good to come out of the closet. I’ll follow Scott or TD, whichever. And I’ve often taken you seriously — but not always πŸ˜‰

    Like

  40. Sorry it’s taken me so long to offer my support, congrats and complete appreciation for taking this step and allowing us to be a part of it. It’s nice to have a face with the name, especially since the one I was picturing had a giant mole on the tip of the nose. This is much better. I’ve always felt you are a man of character and integrity. I always knew I was right. At least for once πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 1 person

  41. This explains why I have been unable to read your old posts from the start of the month! (Yes, I’m still playing catch-up.) I’ll go hunting for them on here, maybe…

    Like

  42. I’m totally walking with you!
    Love your honesty and bravery…though, both were ever-present even under the guise of a storm trooper. I’ve clicked follow on the new site, so hopefully, I won’t miss anything.
    Thanks for inviting me to come along. xo

    Like

  43. Yay! I’m so proud of you.

    Like

  44. Kristi Campbell - findingninee // October 17, 2014 at 9:00 pm // Reply

    Damn. I’m like proud. Is that weird? I’m so proud. And I know you will continue to do awesome not-chicken-catching things here (wait, um, THERE??, too.)

    Like

  45. Scott– call me Jonathan.

    I deal with bipolar mood disorder, too. Type 2, specifically. Take care.

    Like

3 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

  1. My Transparent Costume | Finding Twindaddy
  2. Apparently it’s time to be thankful? | She Said What?
  3. I’m spreading the Bloggy love – Finding Twindaddy! Don’t you miss out! | Serins Sphere

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