Caught With My Pants Down

My mother potty-trained me. I was obviously very young when this took place and cannot even fathom a guess as to why that particular duty fell to her. It did, nonetheless, and there were consequences because of that. Consequences I shamefully bore.

This may shock you, but women don’t pee standing up, despite the invention of this product, which I hear doesn’t work all that well.

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Well, sure, but can you write your name in the snow with it?

Of course, I was potty-trained roughly 30 years before the invention of this product, so my mom couldn’t really practice with this. Suffice to say, I was not properly trained on how to pee at a urinal, and learned by public humiliation.

My first day of kindergarten was horrific. Not only was I away from my mother for really the first time ever, I was surrounded by children I didn’t know and was in the care of a complete stranger. During that day nature called, as it inevitably does.

I was granted leave to, you know, relieve myself. I wandered the hallways until I reached the boy’s room, walked up to the urinal, and proceeded to take care of business, so to speak.

That’s when a group of, what I assume were, sixth-graders walked into the restroom to find me standing at the urinal…with my pants around my ankles, my bare ass enjoying an air-conditioned breeze while peeing into the urinal.

You know how in cartoons when characters have a really good laugh they end up rolling around on the ground, clutching their bellies to prevent their innards from bursting out? I saw that happen in real life that day. Those kids laughed like the hyenas from The Lion King; their whooping hysterical laughter the result of seeing my naked tush.

I quickly finished my business (as quickly as you can when your pants are around your ankles in front of a group of strange boys who are laughing at you), then ran from the bathroom back my classroom, dignity (or lack thereof) be damned.

Needless to say, before the twins began school, I ensured they knew to leave their trousers up when they use the urinal. “You only need to unbutton, unzip, and pull down your underoos enough to let it all out,” I told them time and again. No way I was letting that happen to them.

When C is old enough, he will receive the same lesson. Of course, we’re still working on his potty-training, so one thing at a time.

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Do you have any embarrassing potty stories from your childhood? Or perhaps from your children?

 

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About Twindaddy (332 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

39 Comments on Caught With My Pants Down

  1. I blogged once about my very real fear of pissing in public. I can’t do it. I clam up and have to force, as hard as I can, the pee from my body. Sometimes I just give up and don’t bother, no matter how bad I have to go. In public, I’ll only use a urinal if I’m in a bathroom that has only a urinal, and there’s a lock on the door. Even then I hurry.

    I think this stems from when I was a kid, and I was hanging out at Sawyer’s Point, downtown Cincy. They have these public bathrooms with no urinals, just long troughs. A bunch of guys line up and pee into the same giant gutter, all of their urine mixing before it hits the drain. I remember my dad taking me there to pee, and I had to do it with a bunch of grown men standing next to me. It was terrible. From that moment on, it’s been a problem for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you’ve told us this before, but it’s still wonderful how you’re able to laugh at what happened then – and also how you’ve been able to pass that lesson on to your boys.

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  3. Being a boy must be weird.

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  4. In 2nd grade a boy dared me to use the boys restroom during class. I did and was jealous they had water fountains (long urinals). I was in a cute (Dorothy from OZ) dress when the bell rang and I ran to hide behind the boys restroom door. They saw the poof of my skirt though and the gig was up.

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  5. I hate peeing in front of people. Some of my female friends are quite happy to sit there with the stall door open but I can’t go if there is someone there!

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  6. I don’t understand urinals. It seems like some sort of a macho dare. I mean, they still have the pooping toilets in the men’s room, and I don’t imagine you have a urinal at home. So why is peeing in the public bathroom with strangers more exposed than peeing in the comfort of home? Seems wrong, and I’m sorry you were scarred by it. 😦

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    • I have no idea who thought this was a good idea. I mean, it does provide more places to pee, I guess, but I’d rather do my business privately.

      Still, it’s a funny story, at least.

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      • Urinals take a lot less room than full toilets in stalls — two for every one, at least. Thus the long lineups outside the women’s room at ball games while the men breeze in and out. A fair trade for staring dead straight ahead at all costs!

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  7. That’s a scarring memory, dude.

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  8. I’m not a boy, so I escaped this kind of thing… I do remember hough that the toilets at kindergarten didn’t have doors. I mean, I sort of understand why, but the thought still bothers me a bit. Even a child deserves privacy, no?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am totally pee-shy. I can only do the dirty deed under the most stringent conditions. Nobody else in the bathroom is preferable but absolutely no one standing next to me, even if there’s a divider. You can’t imagine how inconvenient this is. Sorry, that’s the way it is. I’ll bet that goes back to some trauma early on. I don’t think I want to know.

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  10. You make me very glad I’m not a boy :). I had to ask my son how he went about using a urinal. You should have seen the look….

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  11. I can’t piss with an audience either… no matter how bad I’ve gotta go. I miss the private restroom we used to have in the breakroom…

    And just because it’s one of my favorite drawings from my collection….

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ah, somehow I neglected (or just plain didn’t know) about that valuable tidbit of information until I overheard my older one telling the other the proper way to pee in a public restroom!!

    Wait! Did that company copy that product from Orange is the New Black?!!

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  13. Jacob once pooped in a urinal in a public park in Switzerland when he was six. He didn’t tell me about it until we were on the way home and past the return point. The Swiss are very neat. I am sure they still talk about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. When I got pregnant I knew I was going to be a single parent & that’s why I prayed every day for a girl! Hahahahahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol. I wouldn’t mind a daughter, honestly, but I just remember having to literally defend my step-sister from a ex-boyfriend who stalked her and I don’t want to have to do that as a father. There is so much more to worry about raising a young woman than there is a young man.

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      • Girls are harder to raise once they get to the tweens, but are easier to raise as little girls. Being a single mother I was worried how I would handle all the differences in toileting & cleaning associated with the male equipment.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Peeing standing up isn’t hard!! 😉

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          • Probably not, but consider these questions: circumsize or not? do you aim? how do you aim? where do you aim? how do you keep it clean? how do you keep them from playing pocket pool? what do you do if they get banged & hurt? etc, etc., etc. Knowing how things are always blamed on mothers – what if I potty trained a boy wrong? What if I made him self-conscious about his equipment? etc., etc., etc.

            Liked by 1 person

          • Yikes. You just gave ME a complex…

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