Has it failed?
The lie so white it’s almost see through
All we made
A fruitless effort to connect with ourselves
And remain disconnected
The good news is that medication can help you control your depression. The bad news is it doesn’t fix it, nor does it free you from it’s crushing grip entirely.
Since I’ve started taking Prozac again my moods have evened out. Were I to graph them, it would form a mostly straight line across a page. That is a monumental improvement over the 5-week period in which I attempted to take myself off of the drug. Message received. Lesson learned.
To sweep this failure under the carpet
As we exchange
Insincerities as we walk out on ourselves
And remain disconnected
While psychotropic drugs help you maintain control, they don’t undo what depression does to your mind. So while I’ve been largely anxiety and mood-swing free for the last few weeks, I’ve also felt increasingly isolated. I haven’t been talking to people much, nor do I have the desire to. I go to work, come home, and care for my children. I haven’t even had much of a desire to write. At least, as far as my blog goes. I have been writing some offline. I have even found that I sometimes don’t even want to comment on blogs, or post silly Facebook or Twitter statuses (stati?). I just can’t find it in me to care about much of anything except for my children.
I have become disconnected. And aloof.
Frankly, I’m willing to accept that at this point. If I must choose between mood swings and being detached, I’ll take being detached. At least that way I’m not constantly feeling like I’m on the edge of a cliff just waiting for some probably miniscule thing to push me right over into some unfathomable abyss.
So here is to
Safety and it’s comfort
I wouldn’t know
How to get around this or myself to begin with
I remain disconnected
I’m doing alright. Really, I am. Still, I recognize my lack of sociability and my complete lack of desire to address it. Frankly, despite having been married for most of my adult life I have felt alone through most of those times. I’m used to not being able to depend on other people and that may be why I’m not all that worried about this isolationism which has taken hold. When the thought of even trying to contact a friend to see if they want to do something enters my head, it is dismissed immediately by a counter-thought which tells me I’d probably enjoy an evening home alone more.
Those video games aren’t going to play themselves, I guess. Perhaps this shall pass.
So I slide into the deep end I was
Up against something bigger than me
Don’t have any access, don’t have any answers
To what’s inside, so I hide
Quoted lyrics are from the song Disconnected, performed by Epidemic.