Disconnected

~ Twindaddy

Lonely stormtrooper

Has it failed?
The lie so white it’s almost see through
All we made
A fruitless effort to connect with ourselves
And remain disconnected

The good news is that medication can help you control your depression. The bad news is it doesn’t fix it, nor does it free you from it’s crushing grip entirely.

Since I’ve started taking Prozac again my moods have evened out. Were I to graph them, it would form a mostly straight line across a page. That is a monumental improvement over the 5-week period in which I attempted to take myself off of the drug. Message received. Lesson learned.

Don’t hesitate
To sweep this failure under the carpet
As we exchange
Insincerities as we walk out on ourselves
And remain disconnected

While psychotropic drugs help you maintain control, they don’t undo what depression does to your mind. So while I’ve been largely anxiety and mood-swing free for the last few weeks, I’ve also felt increasingly isolated. I haven’t been talking to people much, nor do I have the desire to. I go to work, come home, and care for my children. I haven’t even had much of a desire to write. At least, as far as my blog goes. I have been writing some offline. I have even found that I sometimes don’t even want to comment on blogs, or post silly Facebook or Twitter statuses (stati?). I just can’t find it in me to care about much of anything except for my children.

I have become disconnected. And aloof.

Frankly, I’m willing to accept that at this point. If I must choose between mood swings and being detached, I’ll take being detached. At least that way I’m not constantly feeling like I’m on the edge of a cliff just waiting for some probably miniscule thing to push me right over into some unfathomable abyss.

So here is to
Safety and it’s comfort
I wouldn’t know
How to get around this or myself to begin with
I remain disconnected

I’m doing alright. Really, I am. Still, I recognize my lack of sociability and my complete lack of desire to address it. Frankly, despite having been married for most of my adult life I have felt alone through most of those times. I’m used to not being able to depend on other people and that may be why I’m not all that worried about this isolationism which has taken hold. When the thought of even trying to contact a friend to see if they want to do something enters my head, it is dismissed immediately by a counter-thought which tells me I’d probably enjoy an evening home alone more.

Those video games aren’t going to play themselves, I guess. Perhaps this shall pass.

So I slide into the deep end I was
Up against something bigger than me
Don’t have any access, don’t have any answers
To what’s inside, so I hide

Quoted lyrics are from the song Disconnected, performed by Epidemic.

Published by Twindaddy

Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

35 thoughts on “Disconnected”

  3. My doctor always reminds me that there is no cure. And that the drugs themselves CHANGE the chemistry of your brain. It’s finding the right dose, the right combination, to make your life manageable. Good luck, my friend.

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  4. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. At least this is the lesser of two evils. I wish you luck in sorting out dosages, etc. and hope that you find a peaceful balance.

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  6. Aye, this too shall pass. There are seasons for things, and you have to do what makes life work best for you at the time. You’ll be back, I expect, at some point. If now is time to hide, then so be it.

    I’ve been a little that way, too, but it didn’t last too long, thank goodness.

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  7. Detachment is difficult, I do it frequently and have to fight my way out of it. I am told detachment is a side affect of the drug I take for seizure control. I take very high dosages, it is what is necessary to control the seizures and I have learned my lesson at asking for reduced dosages.

    Hopefully and with some time Scott, you will find a balance. I think you will.

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  8. Sounds like you’ve got it worked out in a way. Hang tight for a bit and then reassess. And always, always with the help of your doc. I’m glad you’ve got those beautiful boys though, to give you people you have no choice about connecting with. And your mum too of course. (How’s that working out btw?)

    *hugs*

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  10. Hi Twindaddy. I am feeling for you. When my daughter experienced encephalopathy from vaccines and I was told that she was permanently mentally disabled, I gradually free-falled. I was prescribed Prozac even though it was a situational depression and not a chemical depression, even though it is a lifelong situation (her disability). I had GI problems with prozac – IBS that was associated with the consumption of certain foods and that ended when I stopped taking prozac. I went through a break-up while on Prozac and I was a crazy woman. I cringe when I think about that time. In order to get an rx for a low dose small dose anxiety med 4 years ago (I am clearly not depressed anymore – I just need the edge taken off every now and then, without having a buzz), I “had” to try other anti-d’s, despite my continued objections. Those milder, in terms of side effects, made me feel apathetic, even when my daughter had a breakthrough moment, so I knew I couldn’t continue with them. She needed me to be present and enthusiastic and to participate, to paint our life with color. I have friends whose personalities have drastically changed during their courses of anti-d’s, to the point where it is like trying to reason or relate to a drug addict. Their homes and families and friendships have gone to H because they just can’t muster up with wherewithall to do anything about it. At times they want to, but they cannot. All this is to ask you: do you exercise regularly? If not, is there any way you can get to a gym or purchase a treadmill for your home? 30 minutes of walking 3 mph resulted in a drastic change in my life – emotionally and physically. Exercise releases endorphins and is good for your body and your longevity. And if you drink coffee, you will get an even bigger punch. I say this out of love. I don’t know you. I have only read 3 of your posts. But boy did they speak to me, as a parent. If you already exercise regularly every day, please just ignore this comment.

    Your new follower,
    Georgia Mom

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    1. I don’t exercise regularly. I need to, but finding the motivation is my main problem right now. My exercise is sporadic right now, based on my moods.

      Thank you so much for your comment, and I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I hope things have gotten better for you.

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      1. You can borrow my motivation if you want to – to be happier and have a happier life. I do not want to step on any toes. I don’t believe there are accidents or coincidences in life. This is what improved for me: My moods, my sleep, my stamina, my stress level, my body, my relationships with everyone, my medical lab test results, my desire to take a nap every day, my outlook on life, my thought process. I realized that despite everything, I am the author of my life from here on out, while I was treadmilling. I think all the built up stress and angst comes out of our bodies during sustained activity. It doesn’t just flow around our bodies and make us feel yucky and/or come out at inopportune times the way it does when we aren’t active. That is the best way I can describe how it was for me. When I don’t exercise regularly, I spiral downward. I am cranky, I want to nap, I am tired, I am sad, I don’t sleep well, I gain weight. And all of that makes my daughter sad too. “Mountains had to be moved” in order for me to be able to treadmill every day. But it was better than the alternative. It is 100 times better than my best day on anti-d’s. I loved prozac when I first started taking it. Not everyone reacts so strongly (negatively) to anti-d’s. I know this. Thank you for graciously accepting my comments. I am going to go back into “reading” mode now. 🙂

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          1. When or if you decide to try to do it, I will be happy to be your online blogger treadmill partner. It’s (at least) a 30 minute commitment each day and I know that can be tough with a child(ren). And then again, that 30 minutes goes by fast, and you feel so much better. If you want to, whenever, let me know and I will be here for you. This goes for anyone else who is interested, who may be reading. My plan is to resume on Monday, M-Sat., but doing it M-F is better than nothing. I TM for 42 minutes total, which includes 1 minute warm-up and 4 minutes cool down, which means I walk 2 miles sustained at 3 mph, but 30 minutes is fine for anyone. It took me a while to work up to 3 mph. I do it first thing in the morning after coffee, on an otherwise empty stomach. That is the time of day that goes by fastest for me. And I drink lots of Nestle Pure Life bottled water while I’m doing it. Just let me know. 😉 You can do it!

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          2. I don’t have room for a treadmill right now. I could walk around the block, though. I’m just so weighed down in the morning. But…you’re right (still). Thank you for your encouragement.

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      1. Maybe what happened to me will happen to you: I wake up on my own at about 4-5, happy and raring to go. It changed me into a morning person. Do whatever works best for you so that you will be more likely to continue doing it. People in my neighborhood walk at all hours of the day and night. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful for my treadmill and the ability to use it. I am so grateful. I prayed for it and for the free time to be able to use it.

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  12. I happened to find your blog on the left hand side bar and then I just happened to come to this post. I have severe depression as well and recently started medication, less than a week ago actually. I deeply feel your writing, and it’s funny because I wrote a post on this exact thing, and I chose the exact opposite. Perhaps you will give it a read, and perhaps you have advice. I will be following you and I wish you the best of luck ❤

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Deposit 2 cents here