Discovered: The Cause of Gray Hair – It’s Our Children’s Fault

My goatee has an impressive gray streak dissecting it like the white stripe on a skunk’s back. Gray hairs have overrun the part of my scalp just in front of my ears and have made a bee-line for my temples. My 5 o’clock shadow has patches of gray so when I don’t shave (which is damn near every day) it looks like there are parts of my face that just don’t grow hair.

Science would tell you that gray hair is the result of pigment cells in our hair follicles dying, depriving our hair of melanin. While I do not disagree with science’s conclusion, science has yet to explain what causes these pigment cells (keratinocytes (that’s a mouthful (<-that’s what she said))) to die. The best explanation science has to offer is that keratinocytes die based on genetic predisposition.

I call bullshit.

I think our keratinocytes are losing the will to live due to all of the stupid shit our children do. There, I said it.

For instance, this morning at 7:15 I went upstairs to tell the twins it was time to leave. When I walked into their room, Baby A was sitting on his bed with no shoes or socks on even though he finished eating his breakfast a half an hour prior, and that was the only thing he had left to do to get ready besides brush his teeth.

“What have you been doing for the last 30 minutes?” I asked, completely exasperated.

My question seemed to confound him. “Um, nothing?”

Triple-facepalm

“Yes, I can see that. Get your shoes and socks on! It’s time to go!”

Baby A got up to get a pair of socks, and that’s when I noticed his attire. The twins have a football game tonight, so they both had on their jerseys, but something wasn’t right with the way A’s looked.

“Is your shirt on backwards?” I asked, incredulous that my nearly 15-year-old son could still make such a mistake without realizing it. I could feel my keratinocytes jumping ship as this scene played out. Some of them even wished me luck.

A pulled his collar out to check. “Oh yeah, it is.”

“Oh my God,” Baby B sighed.

Making this fashion faux pas even worse was the fact that these jerseys have v-necked collars, making it infinitely more difficult  not to notice such a mistake.

This is the kind of asshattery I deal with almost every morning. I rolled my eyes and left to brush my teeth. When I returned, A had already flipped his shirt around and was getting his phone and some writing utensils out of the pair of pants he wore yesterday. When he had everything transferred from his dirty pants to his clean pants, he tossed the dirty pants on the floor.

“Try again,” I commanded in a tone that left no illusions about my level of annoyance with him.

He picked up the pants and tossed them towards his laundry basket. They landed on the floor. More keratinocytes died from the onslaught of stress. And stupidity.

“Try again,” I commanded. Again.

He walked across the room, picked them up, and placed them in the basket.

From that moment on the morning proceeded as it should. We made it to school in time even though we left 5 minutes later than we should have because of A’s tomfoolery. Before they got out of the car I told them both I love them and to have a good day, despite the fact that they drive me crazy and rob me of my hair color.

So as you can see, I have solved a mystery science has yet to explain. Gray hairs are caused by our children’s imbecilic actions.

You’re welcome, science.

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In what ways do your kids (or other children in your life) drive you crazy?


Check me out over at The Sisterwives today, where I discuss butts.

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About Twindaddy (328 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

39 Comments on Discovered: The Cause of Gray Hair – It’s Our Children’s Fault

  1. One of mine seems to have an aversion to flushing the toilet. It’s disgusting.

    Like

    • Oh, they occasionally still have that problem, too. A product of their Mammaw watching them until they were in school, who grew up on cistern and told them not to flush unless it was a number 2…sigh.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The backwards shirt…omg…Every. Single. Day. This is why I have a white streak through my bangs.

    Like

  3. Well I had a strand of gray hair before there was a kid in my life…… One day the big boss was standing behind me, and mind you at that point I was the youngest person working for the company, and he pointed into my hairline and asked “Serins, do you have a gray hair?”

    I had a compleete look of horror on my face! The entrie office stared laugthing….

    Now if that kind of thing happens I just say “you guys stress me too much” …. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. No gray hairs (as far as I can tell) yet, but I’m pretty sure they’re coming soon.

    Like

  5. I’m greying all over the place, and I can’t blame any kids for it. At least I have science…

    I can recall a few instances where I was unknowingly out and about with my shirt inside out, but never backwards. Is Kris Kross coming back in style?

    Like

  6. I’m 24 with a two year old and a four year old, and I have found my first grey hair.

    Oh how I understand.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. welp… if you decide to dye your gray hairs… take the money out of their piggy banks!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Adunno – should I call this one a chestnut lining, cos I’ll never have to deal with silver? 😉 I’m pretty sure my Dad always said that grey hair is inherited – you get it from your kids.

    Like

  9. You too could easily become a fake medical professional.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I don’t have the gray, but my kids are to blame for a lot. Loss of brain cells is probably the biggest one. We won’t even go into how carrying three kids ravaged my body! We as parents have the right to blame our kids for anything we want! And fyi, guys can totally get away with the salt and pepper look. My husband is getting more gray in his hair and beard and damn if it doesn’t make him look hotter! Damn you men and your ease with aging! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I don’t have grey hair ‘cos I have a hairdresser who understands your theory. Classes of kids as well as my own would have found me grey at 20, I think, so now we’ll just never know. Besides, now and again it’s good to go red or purple. If they can do crazy shit I don’t see why I can’t. 🙂 Hmm, wonder if I could rock a grey mohawk. 😉

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  12. Lisa @ The Meaning of Me // November 1, 2014 at 1:50 pm // Reply

    Yup, kids do it. I had a mere strand or two before Kidzilla was born. Now? A highly-identifiable collection of grays in once concentrated streak. I’d blame my Husband, but the streak happened post-kid. I’m keeping it. I want to be able to show it to her and say “You – you did this to me!”

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My son would literally sit on his bed every morning, staring at the wall, for at least 20 minutes. I think he may have actually been sleeping (eyes open). So your story of Baby A made me laugh out loud. That was my daily experience with Nick. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Hmmmm, since I started getting grey hairs in my early 20’s (before I had children), there might be some component of stress from jobs, familial situations, etc. linked to losing our hair color too!

    Like

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