I awoke in an unfamiliar room. I had no memory of how I’d gotten here. It was as if I had only just come into existence, or some magical force transported me here while simultaneously depriving my mind of the events which led me here.
The walls were dank, and sparsely covered with flowered wallpaper that looked like it had been applied decades ago. Patches of wallpaper were missing from the wall, exposing ancient white paint darkened by time and marred by mold. The air was suffocatingly musty. A lonely lightbulb hanging from a grungy fixture in the ceiling wanly lit the room.
Before me were three withered doors. The doors were worn and covered with cracks. All three doors had rusty knobs that appeared to be loose and hung low or to the side. The hinges were rusted, too, and missing screws.
I gazed around this downtrodden room but found no other discernible objects. The three doors appeared to be the only ways in or out. I was at a loss as to which door I should use to exit, so I arbitrarily chose the middle door.
Hey, that decision always works for me when I have to choose a finger to raise.
I pulled the door open, and it creaked like I would scream were I on fire. No light shone through and there was only darkness to behold. I stood there for a few moments waiting for something to happen; what I do not know. For reasons I don’t comprehend, I decided to proceed through this door.
Fear began to permeate my body. My heart rate began to rise and my breathing became quick and shallow. I placed a timid foot into the murky room and then waited. Nothing happened. I took another step and then waited still. Again nothing happened. I took another step and then another. With each step my fear eased and my body became more relaxed. Just when I was starting to think that there was nothing to fear, my worst fears came to fruition.
A blinding light suddenly lit everything and a deafening boom simultaneously rang out, pounding my ears and shaking the ground. I reflexively closed my eyes and turned my head, shielding my eyes with my hands. I fell to the floor and curled into the fetal position and began to fear for my life. Tears flowed down my cheeks like a river and I began to wail like an infant.
I lay there, sobbing uncontrollably for a handful of moments before I began to hear a sound slowly start to rise above my weeping. It sounded like cheering. Like a crowd at a concert or a sporting event. The sound steadily grew louder until it was so audibly overbearing that I couldn’t hear the sounds of my wails any longer. Even though the noise was vociferous nothing ill was befalling me. I was eventually able to calm myself down enough to stop crying. Curiosity began to outgrow my fear. I gathered up enough courage to uncover my eyes and what I saw sent chills down my spine.
I was in the midst of a leviathan crowd, cheering. For what I did not know. I surveyed the crowd and was horrified. A woman with close-cropped blond hair wore a crown made of copper wire and had a goatee. Her eyebrows were horribly drawn on her face with a marker.
Another woman with shoulder length blond hair had on tinted stoner glasses and was dressed in a see-through mesh blouse underneath an unzipped black leather jacket. She also had haphazard eyebrows drawn on with a marker. Her ample lips were pretentiously red, and a mole resided off to the side of her nose resting comfortably on her right cheek.
Then I saw an Asian woman wearing a wig with long blue hair which cascaded halfway down her back. Her lips were drowning in red lipstick and she had a gold chain around her neck with a black heart charm hanging from the bottom. It was when I saw her attire that I realized where I was. And it was then that sheer terror gripped my heart.
The Asian woman was wearing a white t-shirt with a picture of Lady Gaga on it.
As I scanned the crowd I realized that hundreds of fists were raised high in the air and the cheers were for her, if she is indeed a her. Then the lights again went out. Blackness blanketed everything. Off in the distance multicolored strobe lights began to flash on a stage only a few hundred feet in front of me. First red. Then purple. There was a large white sphere in the middle of the stage which had a hologram of Lady Gaga’s face on it. A throng of hands in the air holding cameras captured the horror taking place before me. Blue smoke began to envelop the stage. Then it emerged from the sphere and the crowd went absolutely wild. The decibel level jumped to triple digits in milliseconds. It was wearing attire so ridiculous my vocabulary is insufficient to describe it.
The music started, if that’s indeed what that was. Dancers in equally ludicrous attire appeared out of nowhere and began to gyrate wildly as the beat to Born This Way began its assault on my ears. It was at this point that I realized that this was a nightmare. There was no way in hell I would voluntarily attended an event such as this. I’d rather be waterboarded.
I clinched my eyes and willed myself to wake up.
It started singing.
I pinched myself with all of the strength that I could muster.
My mama told me when I was young
I clicked my heels together three times.
We are all born superstars
I slapped my face. Hard.
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
I began to choke myself.
In the glass of her boudoir
Someone stopped me.
There’s nothin’ wrong with lovin’ who you are
I pulled a large hammer from my pocket and smashed it into my face.
She said, “’cause He made you perfect, babe”
I yanked a grenade out of my pocket and pulled the pin.
So hold your head up girl and you’ll go far
Someone ganked the grenade and threw it across the arena.
Listen to me when I say
When the grenade exploded I finally awoke.
I shot up from my bed, finally back in reality. My bedroom was devoid of light save for the flashing LED on my cell phone, alerting me to new notifications. The air was cold yet my body was drenched with sweat.
I sauntered down the stairs and into my kitchen so I could choke down a melatonin tablet. I would certainly need help getting back to sleep after that nightmare.
What a fucked up dream.