The Wandering Trooper

For my pain I have none
After all is said and done
Now I’m back where I started

The Offspring – Race Against Myself

Today’s assignment, should I choose to accept it (and I think I have since I’m writing this post), is to edit my title and tagline. I’m not gonna do that, but I’ll at least write a post about why.

The name I chose for this here weblog isn’t really all that original, but it’s fitting and I really couldn’t think of anything better. Finding Twindaddy pretty much sums up my life right now. And my tagline (Self discovery after a second divorce and coping with depression) pretty much sums up where I’m at in life. I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want.

You see, I’ve never really had a chance to get to know myself. I never had wild younger years in which to sew my oats. I’ve been a contributing and responsible (so to speak) member of society since I was 17, when I had to chip in to help pay some bills and was entrusted with the care of a one-year old little girl every night. Then, from the time I was 20 to today (17 years later) I have been responsible for the well-being of people who misbehave, throw tantrums, and cry when they don’t get their way (I’m referring to children, not my ex-wives – but I can see where you might have gotten confused).

I don’t feel like my life has ever been my own. Even after I left my first wife it was only a month before I started dating my second one. My life has rarely been about me or what I want. And so, because I am a part-time father (I have 50/50 custody of all my boys – wish I had them full-time), I’m left wondering for much of my free time what to do with myself and I don’t have any answers right now. Do I want to stay single? Do I want to eventually get involved in another relationship? Do I want to get involved in a community project of some sort? Do I want to continue being a hermit? I have no answers to any of those questions right now. I could really use a whack on the head from Rafiki right now.

You don’t know who you are!

Then there’s the mental health aspect. For much of the last two years, I have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride. In hindsight, a lot of that was probably my fault because I was drinking far too much alcohol. Alcohol and depression don’t mix well, kids. Since I stopped drinking a couple of months ago, my emotions have been fairly stable, so I think I’ve got that sorted out. As for the mood swings, they, too, have stopped since I went back on my meds, but I feel like I need to give that a little more time before I’m convinced that things are all right. It’s only been about a month, and sometimes it can take longer than that for meds to fully integrate with your body.

So I’m in limbo right now. I have a plan for the next few months, but nothing further. I need to get through Christmas first. Then, I’m going to move after I get my taxes back. The county I plan to move to has a much better school system than the one in which I currently reside, and I want Baby C to have the same educational experience the twins have had, which has been phenomenal so far. After that…I don’t know.

So even though the name I have chosen for this blog is far from original, it’s the one that is most appropriate for the time being. Perhaps some time next year I will have found myself (peek a boo!) and can change the name to something outrageously funny, which I would prefer.

31 thoughts on “The Wandering Trooper

  1. I can sympathise – when I broke up with my ex, I felt a lot of the things you’re going through. An aimlessness, a despair at the thought of starting again in a new relationship, compared to the terror of being alone for the rest of my life. I’m glad that, after healing, I embarked on my current relationship because although it doesn’t define a person, it gives you things that you cannot get on your own. I still think I should be doing more with my life, I spend too much time sat on the sofa, drinking, watching TV etc. but I always seem to find excuses for getting out of something more active / strenuous etc. (Mind you, saying that, I’m back on the water in a canoe this Friday morning, and then again on Saturday afternoon, and I love that).
    Another great post Scott, and I know that given time things we be clearer and you will see a path for you. (Oh, and yes, I can’t wait to get over the shite-fest that is Christmas!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like Christmas. Mostly. I like the time with family and the time away from work. I don’t like the utter whoring of the holiday by companies, however. I digress, though.

      Christmas is expensive, which is why I have to get through that before I can move on with my other plans. Eek…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Time to do some self discovery is a good thing. You should try different things (what those things would be I don’t know for sure) but you will find something new to do if you go looking. And the more you know yourself the better a new relationship will be. Think happy thoughts!


  3. My blog ‘ s name is unoriginal, but to the point. Clever is overrated. I once had a blog called “Cat Poster Wisdom” with the tag line Without the Cat Poster. Clever take on those gaudy “Hang in there” cat posters. But it really didn’t give my blog a direct focus.


  4. Scott, I can relate to what you’re saying about title and tagline. I have been trying to decide if I want to modify my tagline lately because the reasons why (I think) I started the blog have sort of moved into the past and we’re into a new phase of life. So does the tagline still work? I dunno yet. The title works so I’m sticking with it. Since nothing really jumps out and smacks me in the head, I’ll just hang with what I have and keep figuring out it whatever IT is) and myself and this thing called life as I go along. And believe me, the older I get the more I realize that life really does keep going along… Kind of makes me think of that line from Ferris Bueller – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”


  5. TD, I see you change and grow all the time. And now is a good time to get your bearings. You have your priorities straight, the rest will come. I’m sure of it!


  6. This makes so much sense, Scott. You are doing everything right! Taking it slow and improving your life one step at a time. That’s a lot! Don’t expect too much of yourself because you have already accomplished a lot in a couple of months. Take your time getting to know yourself. I like this mantra that I use often. “Right here, right now”. 🙂


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