For my pain I have none
After all is said and done
Now I’m back where I started
The Offspring – Race Against Myself
Today’s assignment, should I choose to accept it (and I think I have since I’m writing this post), is to edit my title and tagline. I’m not gonna do that, but I’ll at least write a post about why.
The name I chose for this here weblog isn’t really all that original, but it’s fitting and I really couldn’t think of anything better. Finding Twindaddy pretty much sums up my life right now. And my tagline (Self discovery after a second divorce and coping with depression) pretty much sums up where I’m at in life. I’m trying to find out who I am and what I want.
You see, I’ve never really had a chance to get to know myself. I never had wild younger years in which to sew my oats. I’ve been a contributing and responsible (so to speak) member of society since I was 17, when I had to chip in to help pay some bills and was entrusted with the care of a one-year old little girl every night. Then, from the time I was 20 to today (17 years later) I have been responsible for the well-being of people who misbehave, throw tantrums, and cry when they don’t get their way (I’m referring to children, not my ex-wives – but I can see where you might have gotten confused).
I don’t feel like my life has ever been my own. Even after I left my first wife it was only a month before I started dating my second one. My life has rarely been about me or what I want. And so, because I am a part-time father (I have 50/50 custody of all my boys – wish I had them full-time), I’m left wondering for much of my free time what to do with myself and I don’t have any answers right now. Do I want to stay single? Do I want to eventually get involved in another relationship? Do I want to get involved in a community project of some sort? Do I want to continue being a hermit? I have no answers to any of those questions right now. I could really use a whack on the head from Rafiki right now.
Then there’s the mental health aspect. For much of the last two years, I have been on one hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride. In hindsight, a lot of that was probably my fault because I was drinking far too much alcohol. Alcohol and depression don’t mix well, kids. Since I stopped drinking a couple of months ago, my emotions have been fairly stable, so I think I’ve got that sorted out. As for the mood swings, they, too, have stopped since I went back on my meds, but I feel like I need to give that a little more time before I’m convinced that things are all right. It’s only been about a month, and sometimes it can take longer than that for meds to fully integrate with your body.
So I’m in limbo right now. I have a plan for the next few months, but nothing further. I need to get through Christmas first. Then, I’m going to move after I get my taxes back. The county I plan to move to has a much better school system than the one in which I currently reside, and I want Baby C to have the same educational experience the twins have had, which has been phenomenal so far. After that…I don’t know.
So even though the name I have chosen for this blog is far from original, it’s the one that is most appropriate for the time being. Perhaps some time next year I will have found myself (peek a boo!) and can change the name to something outrageously funny, which I would prefer.