[Editor’s Note: I am beyond ecstatic to have my very first guest post on this blog. I’m even more thrilled that it’s Laura A. Lord, who is yet another in a long line of bloggers who have come on to my little space on the web to make me look like an amateur. Laura is a published author and poet whose work I admire. Please give her a warm welcome. And hey, get your feet off the table. We have a guest here. Geez….]
The American people have spoken!
Well, 33.9% of them have. The remainder of the country sat back silently, having prepared themselves with an arsenal of gifs, memes, and hashtags galore to combat the annoying day the school’s closed and they had to keep their children home.
So maybe you fell into that 33.9%. Maybe you were an educated voter who knew what you were voting for or against. Maybe this post isn’t meant for you at all.
Because for everyone else who gets their news from Facebook’s trending section (did you know Jennifer Aniston is going sans make-up for a movie? How is this not international news?) I’m here to let you know what you voted for.
Even if you didn’t vote.
Because not voting, IS voting.
So thank you. From one person who gives a shit, to those of you who gave less of a shit. All of your votes counted…all 66.1% of them.
I couldn’t be prouder to offer you our first winning candidate! He’s from my very own state! Thank you to those who voted for Michael Peroutka for Anne Arundel’s county council. He’s running an amazing platform that stands on some truly fantastic principles: imaginary civil rights, proclaiming his support of the Confederacy, and finally releasing the gay agenda plan to kidnap your children for their “deathsquad.” Finally…someone who’s willing to open his mouth and say exactly what everyone else must be thinking.
My state was on a roll. Less than 24 hours after being elected into office, Andy Harris, made sure we knew his plan to keep all those campaign promises…Specifically the ones where he said he would use “all the resources” available to him to stop the legalization of marijuana in Washington D.C. I’m glad to know with such silly, unnecessary things on the table like immigration reform, national deficit, ISIS…hell, I’ll even take Ebola…the representative of my state is more worried about what a place that is, admittedly, not his responsibility, is doing. But you didn’t realize that when you vote for someone to represent you, they are also there to look our for D.C.’s well-being. Thank goodness for that. To think those people could actually govern themselves?! Pfft…
But let’s not just focus on Maryland.
If you’re in the El Paso district of Colorado, you thought the man (Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt) who tried to exorcise a demon from the President of the United States was a good choice for the House of Representatives. Thankfully, he also believes transgender-ed and gay people are possessed by demons. He will be far too busy trying to top Anthony Hopkins’ awesome performance to do any real law-making.
In Minnesota, you’re being represented by a man who argues that the minimum wage is too high, has proposed bills to eliminate the minimum wage entirely, and basically thinks that bullying is a joke. I mean, those kids don’t need protection. Man up! Right, congressman?!
Virginia women voted for more government in their uterus-es! Thank goodness the representative who formerly was a measly little lobbyist for the Koch Brothers now has the real ability to push that law through for forced transvaginal ultrasounds. Woohoo! You don’t even have to bring your own lube ladies…granted, theirs is always so cold.
Wisconsin brought in the man who truly understands the wage gap…because money is only important to men. Silly women. Just make your husband a nice meal, wear a sexy apron, and he’ll surely turn over the credit card.
Colorado also elected a man based on the fact that he doesn’t wear high heels. I mean, let’s be real, those things are killer on the ankles and if he’s going to be grandstanding in the House of Representatives, we really want him comfortable.
And Georgia brought in the man who is going to visit all of our female delegates and make sure they have their permission slips signed by their husbands. Sorry darling, but you know you can’t be practicing politics without permission.
You can’t deny that we are in good hands with this lot. The list goes on and on. I for one couldn’t feel more secure. I even got my husband’s permission to write this post! I’m well on my way to becoming the kind of woman our country is obviously in such need of. Thank goodness most of the country seems to agree and with a Congress that’s finally almost all red, we should be well on our way to actually getting things done!
So where are they starting? What’s the plan of action?
Woot! Obviously the Republication committee has been utilizing all that fancy new spy gear the President put in and listening to my calls to Santa. Those sneaky old men. They are even working to fulfill my greatest wish…the basic destruction of our Science, Technology, and Environment committees. At least now all those funds can go somewhere more important…like hiding all that messy evidence that world is older than 6,000 years.
I think at this point, I speak for not only myself, but the rest of the American people, when I say that my only real hope is that with the 6.5 billion dollars dumped into these midterms that whole trickle-down economics theory starts panning out. I could really use that cash to start investing in some of those for-profit colleges…
Excuse me while I go punch a bill in the face, like my new hero, and elected representative, Mike Bost!
Laura A. Lord is the author of numerous collections of vignettes and poetry and one awesome children’s book about a T-Rex screwing up her entire day. It’s absolutely a true story. Laura’s work has been featured in The Beacon, The Collegian, Whirl with Words, and Precipice. She is also one of the founding editors of The Reverie – a poetic publication journal. Oh, and Twindaddy obviously loves her enough to let her rant crazy political spiels on his blog. That brave, brave man. If you’re brave, you can find Laura on her blog…over here.