Someone once asked me what impossible things I believe in. There’s not much I believe in, to be honest. I believe in the healing power of laughter. I believe one person can make a difference. I believe Pumpkin Spiced Lattes are the single greatest beverage on this planet.
Impossible, by its very definition, is something that cannot happen. No seriously, it is. I even went and looked it up. Need further proof? I shall provide it. Here, straight from dictionary.com, is the definition of impossible:
1.not possible; unable to be, exist, happen, etc.
2.unable to be done, performed, effected, etc.: an impossible assignment.
3.incapable of being true, as a rumor.
4.not to be done, endured, etc., with any degree of reason or propriety: an impossible situation.
5.utterly impracticable: an impossible plan.
So, having established that impossible things are, well, impossible, I have to say that it would be useless for me to believe in them. Why put my faith in something I know can never happen? Sure, I could believe that I can fly, but it’ll never happen so why should I? Why should I do that to myself? That seems like a sure-fire way to live in perpetual disappointment.
Just for fun, though, I decided to think of a few things that are impossible which I wish were possible. Letting the old imagination off its imaginary leash is always good for the imaginary brain, amiright? That’s the greatest thing about writing. The only limits are those of our imaginations.
So, without further ado, I present to you my list of 6 impossible things which should totally be possible.
- A way to control metabolism. Like with a knob or something. It kills me when someone who is paper-thin eats way more than me and doesn’t gain an effin’ pound. What the hell is the deal with that? I want to be able to crank it up for a while and burn off all those calories at will.
- Eternal life. I love being alive. I enjoy breathing very much. I don’t want to go anywhere. I have no interest in that never-ending slumber.
- The elimination of stupidity. Seriously. I’m an impatient person and that’s something I’m really, really trying to remedy, but my patience goes on strike in the face of blatant stupidity. My sarcasm asserts itself and my mood nose-dives like a kamikaze pilot. Depending on the severity of the stupidity, I might even get angry about it. It’s a waste of time and energy to get upset about it because, as Ron White so eloquently said, you can’t fix stupid. And that’s unfortunate.
- Beam me up, Scottie. I want the ability to teleport. I’ve met so many incredible people on WordPress who I’d like to meet in person but I don’t have the time or resources to do so. If Scottie could just beam me around so I could visit them that would be great. I’d also do that thing from Jumper and beam myself into a bank vault. Hey! I guy’s gotta eat.
- I want to visit that galaxy far, far away. Seriously, how effin’ cool would that be? I want to see the Mos Eisley cantina. I want to visit Alderaan before it gets blown to bits. I want to use the Force. I want to see Coruscant. A planet-wide city would be quite a sight to behold. I want to personally see Leia in that golden bikini.
- TV without commercials. Commercials annoy the shit out of me. There’s nothing worse than getting into a good show or movie only to have it interrupted by 2 continuous minutes of sheer idiocy. What makes it worse is how horrible commercials are. I guess this kind of goes with number 3, but commercials are unbelievably stupid. The ones that try to be funny fail miserably and end up aggravating me. I sit there and wonder what idiot thought it would be a good idea to not only pay to make this commercial, but also pay for the air-time needed to show it to a mass audience. Fail. Just fail.
Four Score (but really only two months) Ago…
Interview With a Trooper – Episode IX
Interview With a Trooper – Episode VIII
My Mother’s Shoes
The “Gift” That Keeps On Giving
Interview With a Trooper – Episode VII – The Sarcasm Awakens
Interview With a Trooper – Episode VI – Return of the Sarcasm
Interview With a Trooper – Episode V