And That’s Why We All Ate Hamburgers For Thanksgiving

A little (hopefully) humorous fiction for Thanksgiving.

For my first Thanksgiving as host, I bought the biggest turkey they had in the store.  I wanted to try something crazy I saw on Facebook, which was to cover the exterior of the turkey with bacon because, well, everything just tastes better with bacon.  Kind of like everything tastes better on a stick, only it’s bacon so it’s better.

So when Thanksgiving Day rolled around I stuffed the turkey with, you know, stuffing.  What else would I stuff it with?  I also wrapped the outside of the turkey with strips of bacon in a weave pattern just like the picture I had seen on Facebook.

turkey covered in bacon

NOM!

I preheated the oven to 350 degrees and shoved the turkey inside the oven and went about preparing the side dishes.  Mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, broccoli casserole, and other assorted yummy stuph were on my list of things to make.

A couple of hours later, as I was just finishing up the mashed potatoes, black smoke began to seep out around the edges of the oven door.  I opened the door to see what was amiss and a giant flame leapt out of the oven and singed all the hair on my left arm and eyebrow.

“FUUUUUUUUUUCK!” I screamed in painful agony. I quickly slammed the oven door shut.

My brother burst into the kitchen to see what all the commotion was about.  I informed him of the conflagration aflame inside the oven.  He laughed mischievously at the fact that I now only had one eyebrow before going to fetch the fire extinguisher.

He quickly returned with the extinguisher in hand.  “You open the door since you’re,” he stopped and laughed a moment more before continuing, “since you’re already missing a bunch of hair.”

I smacked him upside the head with my oven mitt.  “Just shut up and get ready to put out this fire,” I growled.

I moved to the right of the oven door while my brother pulled the pin on the fire extinguisher and readied himself to, uh, fire.

“On the count of three,” I instructed.

My brother nodded.

We simultaneously counted to three.  I quickly pulled the over door open and jumped out of the line of fire (did you see what I did there?).  The deafening roar of the extinguisher then assaulted my ears.  I turned to see the entire kitchen covered with the unmistakable cloud of the fire extinguisher’s contents and, of course, smoke from my failed attempt to cook Thanksgiving dinner.  Within seconds, however, the exhaust fan had sucked the fire-retardant chemicals and smoke from the kitchen.

After the smoke had cleared, my brother and I inspected the remains of Thanksgiving “dinner.”  The humongous turkey I had bought was burned black and the bottom of the roasting pan was charred with crispy, burned grease.  The only reasonable conclusion my brother and I could come to is that the bacon grease at the bottom of the roasting pan had burned and then caught fire.

Needless to say, the turkey was no longer edible.  And that’s why we all ate hamburgers for Thanksgiving.

 

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About Twindaddy (328 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

40 Comments on And That’s Why We All Ate Hamburgers For Thanksgiving

  1. Hahahaha you with no eyebrow! But seriously, bacon, I am so sad that didn’t work

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Um, you say this is fiction? You sure this did not really happen?

    As for preventing such a desater IRL kindly cover your turky with you know tin foil…. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The pic looks like a bacon/bondage fetish. Killing two obsessions at once.

    Hey…have you ever deep-fried a turkey? I’m not kidding. It’s incredibly dangerous–it has to be done outdoors–but the results are superb.

    Like

  4. Thank you for the awesome visuals, Scott.
    Though, I’m still trying to imagine you with one less eyebrow 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Be honest. This really happened, didn’t it ;)! Hope you have a wonderful, fire-free Thanksgiving, Scott!

    Like

  6. I’m just about to start my preparations for tomorrow’s big dinner. After seeing that turkey, I think the menu just got cut in half. Gross gross gross. I mean, I love bacon. But not everywhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I didn’t think it was possible to have a downside to bacon 🙂

    Like

  8. Love it! There’s always some tragic “event” while preparing a Thanksgiving meal and this is perfect. 🙂 That probably would really happen with all that grease. It is a good alternative to waxing, though. 🙂 Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Scott.

    Like

  9. You really are a survivor…

    Like

  10. Kristi Campbell - findingninee // November 28, 2014 at 2:58 pm // Reply

    I’m thankful for this awesome laugh and a helpful reminder that if I HAD tried to cook a turkey yesterday, that it may have caught on fire anyway, and I really like having two eyebrows. We were really lame and went out – my husband had hernia surgery on Monday and didn’t feel up to sitting in the car for 7 hours to see relatives so…. anyway, I’m kinda bummed there are no turkey sandwiches today.
    You’re good at this fiction thing 🙂

    Like

  11. Did you see tha Star Wars trailer they just released? Ho. Lee. SHIT!

    Like

  12. Very clever! I like how you’ve gently poked fun at all the people who try to copy what they see on Pintrest and Facebook and so on as well. 😀

    Like

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