Why I’m Angry

"Marvel's The Avengers" ..Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)..© 2011 MVLFFLLC. TM & © 2011 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

“Marvel’s The Avengers” ..Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)..© 2011 MVLFFLLC. TM & © 2011 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

I knew all along that this ending was a likely probability. We’ve tried and failed so many times. I’m not sure I would say it wasn’t worth the try. I longed for the days when we were together and happy. Evidently you did, too.

So we tried. We got along great, which is something we could never say of our entire marriage. But something was missing. There was no spark. No passion. No fire. We were more like a couple of friends sharing a place, albeit friends sharing the same bed. But friends nonetheless.

We finally acknowledged the leviathan elephant in the room. We agreed we felt the same way. We also agreed that we would continue as roommates since, essentially, that’s what we already were. No big deal, right?

Wrong.

When we spoke I told you I wasn’t ready for you to date yet. I said that because in the past you’ve made yourself available to other men literally the second we were done. I know you and your need for attention, but despite the fact I didn’t necessarily want to be in a relationship with you I was also uncomfortable with the thought of you being with someone else. Is that selfish? Possibly. Is it out of my control? Entirely. It makes no sense to me that I feel thus even though I no longer harbor romantic feelings for you. But there we are. The heart is a confusing, twisted bitch. I also confessed that I knew this wasn’t exactly a fair request, but it seemed reasonable enough since I was willing to make the same concession.

The following weekend we had two outings. We took C to the zoo and the Out of the Darkness walk. During both events you had your head buried in your phone and your fingers furiously flying over your keyboard. You ignored our son most of both days while you stared at your digital ball and chain and texted back and forth with Lord only knows who.

I’m not stupid, although unreasonable minds may differ. I knew what was going on. I knew there was some dude at the other end of your conversation. I confronted you about it. I was hurt. I was irate. I was done.

You have always been, and will likely always be, a horrible liar. You didn’t see anything wrong with having “conversations”. You told me you liked to hear that you are beautiful (I highly doubt you were in an intense conversation with your BFF in which she was telling you how beautiful you are). You told me not to worry and that you’d never bring some man home. You told me it wasn’t fair for me to expect you not to move on. You never once explicitly denied you were talking to another dude. All of those things allude to you either seeing, or trying to see, someone. Couple that with your past behavior and I’m now convinced you’re doing, or trying to do, the one thing I told you I wasn’t prepared for.

I stopped talking to you. You didn’t seem to care that what you were doing was hurting me. Your lack of compassion for my feelings and your refusal to be honest ignited an inferno within me. It got to the point that being in the same room with you burned my nerves. I was short with my children. My patience evaporated. I was agitated, irate, red in the face, and ready to lash out. But I didn’t. I also didn’t like feeling the way I felt. I desperately wanted to honor our agreement to stay roommates, but I was consumed by my rage.

Unsure how to quench my fury, I turned to a neglected friend: alcohol. Not the best choice I’ve ever made; not by a longshot. But I figured, correctly, that being drunk beat being pissed off at the world 10 different ways to Sunday. After about four straight days of that, however, I realized that this wasn’t a sustainable lifestyle for me. I had no desire to drink every day. I had no desire to live in a constant state of rage that could only be abated by spirits. I had no desire for my children to see me using bottles as an escape route from my misery. I had no desire to keep pretending in front of the children that I couldn’t fucking stand you or your fraudulent ways.

So, for the sake of my mental health, I asked you to leave.

And you did. No longer do I have to face you after a stressful day at work. No longer do I have to fake a smile for our son’s sake when we’re in the same room. No longer do I have to seethe as you try to talk to me as if nothing is wrong. No longer am I reaching for bottled demons just to escape a cage of anger. Just…no longer.

Yes, I’m angry with you. I’m also, however, angry with myself. I’m angry because, for the fifth time, I tried to fit a square peg in a round hole (or is it the other way around?). I’m angry for believing you when you said you’d changed. Again. I’m angry I let my desire for that which is unattainable make a choice that was unhealthy for me.

No, I didn’t discuss my anger with you. I tried and you refused to hear – really hear – what I had to say. You rationalized your actions and dismissed my feelings. That, dear, is why I’m angry. That is why we’ll likely never truly be friends. That is why I asked you to leave.

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About Twindaddy (328 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

60 Comments on Why I’m Angry

  1. I hate that this happened to you again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Scott, I’m so so so sorry this happened to you. Lord knows I’ve tried again in situations where success is highly unlikely. I get it. You did the right thing at the end, but it’s too bad it had to go down that way.
    xo

    Like

  3. I’m sorry. I’d be angry, too. Just don’t live there. “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” No one is worth losing your sobriety over.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ve only begun to follow you, but under the circumstances, I think you did the best you could. And you’ve learned what reality is, and you can now move on and make the choices that are best for you instead of hoping that you can affect or change the actions of others. Sounds like a positive move to me. Best wishes to you.

    Like

  5. Anger is a scary master I know too well.
    From what I’m reading here, I’d say you made the right call to kick her out, and I hope you find some relief from the anger soon.

    Like

  6. Oh Scott! This just tore my heart apart for you… I am so SO sorry you had to go through this all over again. I can only imagine the anger and the defeat you are feeling. BUT- You tried. Oh how you tried. You can at least feel at peace about that. And you surely can feel at peace about asking her to leave.

    You deserve better. SO much better, my friend.

    Hoping and praying for you to find a love that gives, nurtures, respects, and honors who you are. ❤

    Like

  7. I’m sorry you are going through this again. It’s amazing how such big hearts can be trampled into something unrecognizable. xx

    Like

  8. I have to say I’m a little taken back by you trying again, but I understand as I too have been sucked into the vortex of rinse and repeat with failing/ed relationships.

    If you do make some chili, I would love some. 😀

    Like

  9. I’m glad you decided the best way forward for yourself and the kids, and made it happen.

    (To play devil’s advocate though, my best friend tells me all the time how beautiful she thinks I am. And I tell her. And neither of us believe either of us. So there’s that 😉 )

    Liked by 1 person

  10. As painful as this process was, I think it was a necessary one in order for you to truly be able to let go and move forward, Scott. My hat’s off to you for recognizing this and, most importantly, making it happen — for yourself and your boys. The anger will subside, but the positive ripple effect this will eventually have on all your lives will continue. I swear. 😉

    Like

  11. So sorry your heart has been trampled, Scott. I, too, have “tried again” and always found that the only person who had changed in the relationship was ME, although they did talk a good game. Enjoy a good coffeh and your spicy chili – it’s her loss 🙂

    Like

  12. Oh, Scott. Been through this and I can imagine how much you’re hurting right now. You want to rant, god knows I owe you my ear. Any time. Wish I could take you out for a beer.

    Like

    • Actually, between this post and yesterday’s I think I’ve gotten it all out of my system. But we definitely need to hit the bar sometime. Somehow.

      Like

  13. Some people never realize these kinds of truths. You should be glad that you figured it out.

    Like

  14. Don’t question yourself. If you’re satisfied that you’ve explored this course, then cut it loose and move the fuck on. You have my email if you need to vent.

    Like

  15. This had to hurt like a bitch; like cutting out a cancer, almost- but for the fifth time. Scar tissue on top of scar tissue.

    It’ll heal. Eventually. If you believe that, so will I. 💜

    Like

  16. I haven’t read all the other comments, but, I’m pretty sure somewhere up there someone has said what I’m going to say. Her Loss, you are a great funny guy, with some pretty amazing kiddo’s who totally got to be that way because of YOU!
    At least you tried and now you know, and don’t let the anger win. xo

    Like

  17. I guess the only one who’s learned anything from this experience is you. I’m sorry she hasn’t. I’m sorry you’re in pain. Life is such a bugger.

    Like

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