You can scour the internet for hours searching for useless Star Wars facts and never run out of material to read. Star Wars is an uncontrolled locomotive of popularity and has made creator George Lucas billions upon billions of moneys.
If you search all of these sites, blogs, and message boards looking for “facts you didn’t know” about Star Wars you’ll notice one glaring element missing from every list: none of them are written by anyone from the Star Wars universe; they’re all written by nerds, geeks, and fanboys.
I am a stormtrooper in the Imperial Army. There is a portal hidden in my living room closet which transports me between Earth and the Star Wars universe, where I am known as Drun Kenman (or TD-421). Having unrestricted access to the Star Wars universe means I know things that those nerds, geeks and fanboys couldn’t possibly know. I know these things because I’ve experienced them firsthand, and didn’t see them in a movie or read them in a book.
I have decided to share some of those facts here today, because Star Wars fever is once again at a pitch. The the Force scheduled to be Awakened soon, you’ll want to know these things that you won’t find on any other blog, message board, or website.
1.) Kissing your siblings to make a potential mate jealous is an ancient Alderaanian custom. Sadly, since the planet has been blown away there aren’t many people left to confirm this. But Princess Leia did.
2.) Gungan meat is considered a delicacy on most worlds now. This is a recent development, however. The galaxy was unaware of this until Jar Jar was skewered and eaten.
3.) Princes Leia’s hair stylist was a pastry chef prior to being hired by the Alderaanian princess.
4.) Wampas are the result of Wookiee inbreeding.
5.) It’s a common misconception that the dark side has cookies. I fell for that line when I signed up for the Empire, and was livid upon finding out I’d been duped. Livid!
6.) Padme Amidala’s relationship with Anakin Skywalker was, sadly, not the first time she “rocked the cradle of love.” There was an incident with a younger boy while she ruled Naboo as its queen. Luckily for her, it was kept out of the press by then Senator Palpatine and some cunning media manipulation.
7.) Jabba the Hutt was once a fit and athletic gastropod until his thyroid failed and he ballooned into the immobile pile of flab choked to death by Princess Leia.
8.) It is widely believed that Darth Vader’s required breathing apparatus is needed because the Dark Lord of the Sith inhaled the scorching, toxic air of Mustafar while his body burned just inches away from a molten river of lava, thus torching the insides of his lungs. The reality is that it was the result of a party trick gone horribly awry. Vader had taken an interest in ventriloquism and was attempting to make his dummy talk while downing a flaming alcoholic beverage. The shot went down the wrong hole, flooding his lungs with fiery liquor and rendering them essentially useless. The “trick” was a hit, but for all the wrong reasons.
9.) It is widely assumed that Count Dooku left the Jedi Order due to ideological differences. Chief among those is that Dooku had become a Sith Lord, which the Jedi seemed to frown upon. While it’s true Dooku did eventually become a Sith Lord, it is untrue that he voluntarily left the Jedi Order. Dooku was, well, a perv. He was using the Force to disrobe unsuspecting women he found attractive. Then he would follow up with horribly cheesy pick up lines such as, “Would you like to feel the Force?” or “I’d like to shine my light on your dark side.” The Order tolerated it as long as they could but eventually had to part ways with the salacious Jedi Master.
10.) The Force has a will and wants what it wants, but did you know that sometimes the Force can go back and change the past? For instance, while I was stationed Tatooine there was a shooting in the Mos Eisley Cantina. All witnesses originally remember a human shooting a Rodian. One blaster bolt fired, one fried green Rodian. But as time wore on the Force changed things. Witnesses now remember two blaster bolts being fired. They now remember the man inhumanly jerking his head to the left to dodge a bolt fired by the Rodian then torching the alien with a return shot. There are now blaster burns on the wall behind where the human was sitting. Most people don’t even realize that the past has changed, but I must be too strong-willed for the Force to impose this change on me. It’s just like in the Matrix when they change something and only the people plugged in know something has been changed.
That concludes my list of 10 irrefutable facts about the Star Wars universe; facts that can be found nowhere else on the internet but here. You now have knowledge that no other Star Wars geek has. When the IT guys at work are huddled around the water cooler discussing Princess Leia and her metal bikini, you can march right into the conversation with one of these tidbits. They will be so impressed by your extraordinary Star Wars knowledge that they’ll fix your computer without making you call in a ticket. They’ll reset your password without asking you an annoying security question. They won’t even get angry when you confuse your CD-ROM tray for a cup holder. Again.
This list, my friends, will benefit you all. You’re welcome.