I’m Not Okay

If we were having coffee I’d have to get a few things in order first. I’d have to grab my favorite hazelnut creamer and dump a generous helping into my steaming cup of Colombian goodness. I love the way coffee makes me feel, but, frankly, it just doesn’t taste that well on its own. Secondly, I’d inform you that it’s pronounced coffeh, because cool.

If we were having coffeh I’d, were I to be honest (which is something I don’t normally do when it comes to my problems because I don’t want anyone to think I’m whining), tell you I’m not okay. Physically, I’m always tired. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get my energy levels are about as low as a car’s battery whose headlights were left on overnight. It takes me ages to get going in the morning. If I don’t have a cup of coffeh before I head to work I have to combat the sandman along with asshole drivers during my morning commute.

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that, mentally, I’m feeling a little fucked up. On nights without my children I feel encaged by loneliness, but the thought of going out and meeting new people (or old people) terrifies me. Too often when I get involved with others I feel like I get tangled in their drama, and I don’t want anything to do with that. I can barely hold myself together. I don’t need to deal with anyone else’s problems. Further, it seems, for one reason or another, almost every relationship I’ve had over the last few years (friendship or otherwise) has literally blown the fuck up. I’m afraid to get close to anyone because I fear the pain that comes with having that person ripped away.

Were we having coffeh I’d disclose that because of a miscommunication between my doctor and my pharmacy last month I went about a week and a half without my meds. Since then my emotional state has been colored increasingly blue. I can’t remember the last time I was in a decent mood. I’ve found myself on the brink of tears multiple times in the last month with no real catalyst. Motivation eludes me. My free time is spent in front of the TV binge-watching Netflix. (BTW, Dark Matter is a pretty kickass show). The thought of participating in any type of activity is distasteful. I don’t like leaving the house. The thought of writing generally makes me feel…meh. I find it hard to care about anything. In my mind, I know I need to get my ass up and do things, but translating those thoughts into actions is damn near impossible. I go to work, I come home. I do my part-time father thing. Then, I’m lost the rest of the time.

Were we having coffeh, I’d tell you I’ve been listening to this song on repeat, because the lyrics of this song latch on to me. They encapsulate me. They make me feel. I can’t put those feelings into words, and I don’t even think they’re good feelings, but they’re feelings. I guess that’s something.

Were we having coffeh I’d tell you how increasingly misanthropic I’m becoming. I literally can’t stand most of what humans do. To the planet. To each other. To animals.

I can’t comprehend how an idiot like Donald Trump has an actual chance to become president. He’s a sexist, racist, babbling idiot who encourages his followers to inflict violence on people who disagree with him, but, hey, he “tells it like is” so that must mean he’s presidential material.

I can’t comprehend why mass shootings and gun violence on our city streets has resulted in absolutely zero changes to gun laws.

I can’t comprehend why the general populace thinks it’s okay to be so hateful towards anyone who disagrees with them. It seems the comment sections of our news articles have become the devil’s playground. Everybody seems to feel that the ability to hide behind a keyboard and monitor gives them the right to parade their inner douches around and that there will be, and should be, no consequences.

I can’t comprehend why men are so afraid of women who want to be treated equally. We’re all human, right?

I can’t comprehend why anyone would care who is in the bathroom stall next to them. We’re all just in there trying to let our bodies perform their required tasks.

I can’t comprehend why anyone feels it’s their business to choose who can marry who. Why shouldn’t two men (or women) be allowed to get married, have children, and then be torn apart by divorce? Shouldn’t all people have a right to obtain that American dream?

I can’t comprehend why certain people feel that their “religious values” need to be made into laws. It seems to me that those very same people have an issue Sharia law. Let’s face it, the rules of Christianity and Sharia Law aren’t all that different. Sharia Law just has more deadly consequences. I also can’t comprehend why those very same people don’t understand the separation of church and state, religious freedom, or that people who don’t want to be governed by religious beliefs aren’t persecuting anyone.

Were we having coffeh I’d tell you that my misanthropy has me on the edge of leaving the internet again. I get tired of the daily parade of stupidity, cruelty, and depravity I see online. Instead of being encouraged by movements for positive change I’m simply sad that they’re needed. I’m tired of seeing shit about the Kardashians and their ilk. I don’t have a single fuck to give about those people and can’t figure out why they’re constantly in the news.

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that I’m moving next weekend, and it’s probably one of the reasons I’ve been feeling down lately. I’m moving a town over because the school district there is much better than where I live, and Baby C starts kindergarten this fall. All the packing I’ve done this past month has had me sifting through memories, and many of them leave me sad. I’ve found many a thing of my ex-wife’s while packing. I found our wedding pictures. I found pictures of C when he was a wee lad. I found pictures of the twins tucked a way in a box their mom gave me a couple of years after I left her. I found a picture Baby B drew for me when we got our first place after I left their mother. 20160416_114108

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that I’m probably going to have to get a second job after moving. Doctor and dental bills for the kids are piling up and I just can’t pay them.

If we were having coffeh I’d tell you that I know I need to see a psychiatrist, but can’t. I don’t have the money to see one. I’d have to get a second job to afford that and if I get a second job then I won’t have the time to see one.

If we were having coffeh, I’d tell you that it was nice to see you and thank you for listening. Then I’d apologize for laying all this bullshit on you and feel guilty for burdening you with my problems and emotional turbulence. I’d likely go home feeling ashamed and we’d probably not see each other again for a long while because I’m anti-social, and I’d fail to reach out again because I’d feel like I’d alienated you with my incessant bitching.

Lastly, I’d peer down into my empty cup and lament the fact that I spent five bucks on one fucking cup of coffeh.

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About Twindaddy (336 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

58 Comments on I’m Not Okay

  1. I totally feel this post. I’m blah for different reasons, but I’ll vent to my own blog on that.

    ::hugs::

    Like

  2. (hugs) Coffeh was great you even if you are in the dumps. Y’all pay US$5 for coffeh? Sheit. And I thought the average of US$2 that we pay for coffee over here (at the cafe) was much.
    I don’t really have much to comment on the rest. I agree with your assessment on all those issues this planet is having.
    Also my own apologies for not keeping in touch lately. I’m a total anti social these days. (hugs)

    Like

    • No need to apologize. I’ve been just as distant. Besides, you’ve got a lot going on.

      And, yes, if you go to Starbucks you’ll be paying around $5 for a cup of coffee, which is why I don’t go there.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope that the future brings an improvement Scott. 🙂

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  4. If we were having coffeh, I would have to say that you and I share a great deal in common. Mind numbing, is it not?

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    • I think many of us suffer and the majority of us suffering do so in silence.

      This is really the first time I’ve said anything about it to anyone.

      Like

  5. If we were having coffeh, well, firstly I’d be on a pot of tea, or hot chocolate. Secondly, I’d buy you another cup.

    Thirdly, and most importantly: This will pass. You know it has before, and so it will again. And it’s perfectly OK to feel shitty and not like doing anything, and to admit to that you’re only going through the motions. You have the strength to deal with this. And all the folks around you who are cheering in your corner, even if you think you’ve scared them off.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It may pass, but it will come ’round again. I just wish I could move forward and leave this muck behind permanently. I don’t foresee that happening, though. That’s the nature of mental illness. Sometimes, you just get tired of fighting.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, but you’re never fighting it alone. We’re all here, some a text away, some a Facebook message away. If I lived near you, I’d be popping in twice a week to help with housework so you could rest or spend more time with the boys when you have them.

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        • That would be going above and beyond. What I probably need to do instead of waiting for motivation is to manufacture some, but that’s easier said than done.

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  6. I hate the Kardashians too. I wish they would just stop talking about them.

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  7. I would share a coffeh and listen any time if I lived closer!

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  8. Sorry you’re having such a rough time of it, TD. this spring has sucked by my standards as well. Weather, politics, the state of the world.

    As others have said, it will pass. Once you have moved, those memories will slip back to where you can retrieve them when you want, not when you open a drawer and get caught unexpectedly. And you’ll be able to shake the blues and, hopefully, have some fun.

    Big hugs.

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  9. I’m so glad you told us all these things here. Know that you’re not alone. It’s not hard to be a misanthrope these days. Hugs.

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  10. I know how you feel. I need to see a counselor and set up an appointment… but the money I was going to use for that purpose was drained out for something else that I needed to pay, and had been neglected. It’s also Mother’s Day tomorrow, and that gets me moody because I’m the only one in the immediate family with no children… and I want them. My mom is cool about not making me feel like I have to rush it, but I personally am bothered by it.

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    • I totally get it. It’s tough.

      I’ve been seeing my primary care doc for depression the last few years, but I feel like I probably need to actually see a mental health professional as not much has changed.

      As for becoming a mom, I agree you shouldn’t rush it. As a veteran of two marriages and a part-time father to three children, I can tell you that finding the right person to start a family with is paramount.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Frankie Lass // May 7, 2016 at 9:13 pm // Reply

    😥 Combining the music and what you’ve written was incredibly moving

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  12. Well, that’s what we are here for – to listen. And unlike a psychiatrist, we’re free.

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  13. Hope you feel better soon.

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  14. If we were having having coffeh, we would most likely be kicked out after dropping all of our f-bombs when discussing DT as President.
    I’m glad you got this off your chest. Please know that things are going to get better and you are not alone….we’re here for love, support and best of all no co-pays.
    I’m just going to leave now and wrap my head around the fact that “C” is going to Kindergarten!!

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  15. I love you, my friend. I’m sorry to hear life’s so hard at the moment (and I try to NEVER buy coffee out, cos it costs so damn much). I wish there was a way around things, but I can only nod in agreement about laws and belligerence and Trump. BUT…have you had your iron levels checked recently? I went a long time tired and struggling, and it turned out to be anaemia.

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  16. Ugh Scott I’m sad to read how down you’ve been recently and completely understand how All The Things seem like so much WTF that Netflix binging is the way to deal with getting through. Trump sickens me. I know a few republicans and they are also in shock and disgusted so WHOTHEFUCK is voting yes for him? How is this even possible? He’s beyond awful. I can’t even. ARGH.
    re: Netflix/Amazon, etc. binging. Recently, I’ve been hooked on The Americans, The Family, Game of Silence… let me know if you need some more. I’ll have to check out Dark Matter. Also, you’re allowed to bitch about stuff. True. I quite like what you have to say (although I do hope that you find some energy and peace from the darkness). xo

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    • Thanks, Kristi. I know I’m allowed to bitch it’s just something I don’t like to do. We all have battles we fight and I feel like the last thing someone wants to hear is my problems. But sometimes you just can’t hold it in any longer.

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  17. If we were having coffeh, and being honest about all the projectiles in our lives, I’d tell you that if what you’re doing is whining, then I’m whining as well, so we’re even.
    However, this scenario is extremely unlikely, as after a sip or two of coffeh I’d be fast asleep, probably offending you and the person who made the coffeh. So, no coffeh for me. I’ll just buy an overpriced cookie instead.
    Good luck on the move, I hope you’ll find a home in your new house swiftly^^

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  18. I know exactly how you’re feeling:

    “I can’t remember the last time I was in a decent mood. I’ve found myself on the brink of tears multiple times in the last month with no real catalyst. Motivation eludes me. My free time is spent in front of the TV binge-watching Netflix.”

    For me personally, it’s been rough to say the least. I’m finding strength through my family & my counsellor. Without them, I wouldn’t be getting out of bed, I wouldn’t be going to work either.

    Small steps forward.

    Like

  19. This is basically me right now… right down to the week and a half without meds.

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