Anyone remember MySpace? It was the first big social media website. At least, I think it was. It was the first one I was a member of. (Hehe, member <—Beavis and Butthead moment (I’m a little buzzed. Sorry.))
I don’t miss much from the days of MySpace. Remember how you could have a profile song? If you went to another person’s profile page their song started playing. Most of my friends listened to shitty music back in 2006. Luckily, most of those people aren’t in my life any more.
What I do miss from MySpace is the surveys. All the questions. I don’t know why I loved answering questions about myself so much. Talking about myself is something I’m not normally comfortable doing, but when asked a direct question I just blabber away like a teenager with the latest gossip.
The other day, Stephanie (of Stephallenous fame) posted a, by year 2006 MySpace standards, a survey and invited anyone who wished to join in the fun. Well, I wish and I’m joining the fun, dammit.
(Interjection: if you don’t read Stephanie you are totes missing out. She is like the WordPress version of Robin Williams. She can be deep, unpredictable, hilarious, and spontaneous. No matter what, she’s always entertaining.)
So here, in no particular order aside from numerical (this whole freakin’ system is out of order!), are 40 things you probably don’t know, or care to know, about me.
1 – Boxer shorts or budgy smugglers? The only smuggler I know is Han Solo, and he certainly doesn’t have carte blanche to hold my junk up all day. I mean, I know he’s played by Harrison Ford, but still. No touchy. Also, I prefer briefs, because I don’t like my bits swinging back and forth like some weird human raised by gorillas.
2 – What color of underwear are you currently wearing? Um, I don’t know. I put them on a long time ago. Like, this morning. When I was half asleep. Hold on. Let me look. Okay, they’re blue, you perv. Man, I had to get outta my chair and everything.
3 – How long have you been wearing them for? Since about 7 yesterday morning. It’s about 12:30AM now. Why does that make me feel gross? Fuck, I can’t even take a shower because there’s a busted pipe in my building and the water’s out. I might have to bum a shower tomorrow.
4 – Do you ever use binoculars to watch people? No, I don’t even like people. I certainly wouldn’t creep on them.
5 – Have you ever kicked someone in the groin? Not that I recall. Wait. I accidentally did it once. My brothers (all two of them), me, and a friend were playing football once while I was in high school. After a play my friend was down on all fours after a tackle. For some reason my teenage self thought it would be funny to kick him in the butt. I missed and got his punching bag instead. He was not impressed.
6 – Would you pull a trigger? Fuck yeah. Nerf guns rule.
7 – If you met your favorite celebrity, and they wanted to make out with you, would you? I don’t have a favorite celebrity. Frankly, I don’t understand this whole celebrity culture. I don’t get how people can be obsessed with people they’ve never met, and likely never will. I don’t understand how couchetards like Kim Kardashian can be made famous by being famous. They’re just people, people. Just people with more money.
8 – Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you were not in a relationship with (not talking about sex and one-night-stands)? Well, yeah. My brother and I had to share a bed for a while when growing up. Also, there were times that my children have slept with me. But Baby B and Baby C do karate kicks in their sleep and I cut that shit out. There’s nothing worse than being kicked in the nuts while you’re sleeping. Okay, that’s not true. There are plenty of things worse than that, but not right after you’ve been kicked in the nuts.
9 – Have you had one-night-stands? Once. And I’m not very proud of it. Frankly, were it up to me we would have seen each other again.
10 – Does sex have the same importance to you now compared to when you were younger? Honestly, sex has never been that important to me. Don’t get me wrong, sex is great, but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t get any. I’m more concerned with making a connection and getting to know someone.
11 – Have you ever eaten a worm? Ewwwwwwwwww. Who would do that?
12 – What’s the grossest thing you’ve ever eaten? Beets. Hands down. I don’t even know why people serve them. They look like a slice of someone’s heart. Ack.
13 – How long do you spend sitting on the toilet? Well…this is embarrassing. I sit there a while because I take my phone with me. Before cell phones I took books with me. Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t like just sitting there with idle hands. I need something to occupy my mind.
14 – What do you do when you sit there (besides the obvious)? Um, read. Play games. Adjust my position so the part of my ass that’s asleep can wake back up.
15 – Have you ever been peed at? Amazingly, despite being the father of three boys, I’ve never been peed on. The wonders never cease.
16 – What’s the grossest thing you have ever swallowed? Well, this is a loaded question…with a nasty answer. I was feeding Baby A one night when he was about a month old. He ate from his bottle, then I burped him. Afterward I plucked him from my shoulders and brought him to my face so I could kiss him. That is exactly when he spit up…in my mouth. Regurgitated formula was spewed into my mouth by my own child. Gross. I’m not gonna lie…I still haven’t forgiven him.
17 – What’s the constantly dirtiest place in your home? I have three sons. Toilet. Hands down. Seat down, too.
18 – Why don’t you clean it? Because I’m tired of cleaning up after them!!
19 – Do you eat your boogers? Besides little people under the age of 5, who actually does that? I mean, gross. Gag.
20 – Can you describe the one smell that makes you gag? Um, hmmmm. There are a lot of smelly things out there but I can’t think of one that actually triggers my gag reflex.
21 – Have you ever had head lice? Luckily, no.
22 – Have you ever been utterly disappointed in someone? Every damned day of my life. Why can’t every one else be like me?
23 – Have you ever been scared of someone? I was pretty scared of my dad when I was a child. I was scared of my first wife. Not at what she would do to me, but rather at what she might do to herself.
24 – What do you do when you’re drunk that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about? I don’t really hide anything when I’m drunk. If I did something that embarrassing while drunk I’d probably never drink again. *shudders at that thought*
25 – Have you tried pole dancing? I didn’t know the Polish had their own type of dance.
26 – Have you been in a strip club? Once. I don’t see the allure.
27 – Have you ever run over an animal? I don’t think so. However, when I was a teenager a bird swooped down into the windshield of the car my mom was driving with me in the passenger seat. She ducked. And then stayed there. I had to actually tell her to get back up and watch the road before we wrecked. I love my mom, but she’s pretty goofy sometimes.
28 – Have you ever peed in snow? Lemon snow cones!!
29 – Have you ever made fun of someone and then regretted it? Yeah. Sometimes making fun of someone just kind of happens without thinking. Then I chide myself for being an asshole.
30 – What’s your favorite kind of question on Cards for Humanity (if you know the game)? I have no clue what this is. Can I have a mulligan?
31 – If the father of your best friend hit on you, what would you say to him? To be honest, my best friend is my brother, which would make his dad my dad. And that would be fucked up. I’d tell him to stop being fucked up.
32 – Would you go out on a date with someone half your age or double your age?No. The thought of dating someone just a few years older than my children or just a few years younger than my parents creeps me out.
33 – Do you clean the sink after brushing your teeth? I don’t scrub it or anything, but I do use a cup of water to rinse all the toothpaste down the drain.
34 – Have you ever spat in someone’s food or drink? Don’t be ridiculous. Of course not. Gross.
35 – Have you ever kissed someone only to be grossed out afterwards? See the answer to question 16.
36 – What is your number one goal in life, and are you living it? Right now my goal is to build a better home life for my children. They don’t have a bad home life, but it’s not quite as comfy as the life I had growing up, and that bothers me. No, I’m not living it, but I feel like I’m making baby steps towards it.
37 – Do you spy on your neighbor(s)? If yes, why? Fuck no. I don’t care what they’re doing. It’s none of my business.
38 – Have you ever danced and/or cried in the rain? Probably when I was younger. The only thing I do in the rain now is bitch about the rain.
39 – Have you ever ditched work to just chill out on your own (with or without Netflix)? I did it all the time when I worked for that retailer whose name rhymes with Stallmart. Since I quit about 8 years ago I haven’t done it (that I recall).
40 – What do you wish you were doing right now (anything goes)? Winning the lottery.
Hooray for surveys! You should play, too!