Runaway Train

newcoffeeIf we were having coffee you might raise an eyebrow at my SoCo and Coke. “I thought we were having coffee?” you might ask. To which I’d reply, “Coffee isn’t strong enough to help me face life.” Self-medication might not be healthy, but it helps me not to care that it’s not healthy. It also helps me cope with the struggles I face.

Working two jobs fucking blows. I have never felt so worn down. I am working 6 days a week. 40 hours at one job and 17 at the other. Any free time I have is spent with my children.

Well, with one of my children.

Baby C has had a disastrous start to his education. The ADHD I suspected he had going in to kindergarten has been confirmed with all the grace of a wrecking ball taking down a wall built with Legos. He has trouble focusing. He has trouble following direction. He’s disruptive in class. He has punched other students. He has kicked other students. He has spent entire afternoons with the “behavioral specialist.”

My son is brilliant. He has no problem learning the material in class. He knows his letters. He knows his sight words. He can count way past 100. I have to stop him simply because he’d count all day long and I have things to do. He knows his colors. He can sound words out.

What he can’t do is get past himself. Everything has to be his way or he simply loses his shit. He wears an imaginary crown and expects everyone else to bow down to his will. Some of this is typical 5-year-old behavior. Most of it is just inexplicable.

A month ago (or so) we scheduled an appointment with his doctor to have him evaluated for ADHD. We filled out forms. His teacher filled out forms. He was prescribed medication. The results have been less than spectacular.

Initially, he seemed to improve at school. The longer he’s been on the medication, however, the angrier he’s become. That’s when he started hitting other children at school. He began having outbursts of anger at home. Just today he’s yelled at me twice. It may not seem like a big deal, but he’s never, ever yelled at me before two days ago.

I’m done. I’m calling his doctor on Monday and demanding he be switched to a different medication.

One of the benefits of working at a school corporation is having access to hundreds of teachers who have dealt with every type of child one can encounter. They have a certified counselor on staff with whom I’ve been able to discuss Baby C’s difficulties. I have a medication in mind I want to try and a plan on how to attack C’s issues. While I’m thankful for that fighting this battle on top of everything else I’m going through is taking its toll on me.

If we were having coffee I’d confess I’m emotionally dead. I’ve unwittingly built a wall around myself and heartbreaks of the past have paid for it. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything, good or bad. I actually had a coworker say to me the other day, “You don’t ever talk to us.”

“I’m here to make money, not socialize,” was my response. Without hesitation. Without thought. And it’s true. I don’t have time for any of that bullshit. I’ve got shit to take care of. I’m there to earn a paycheck so I can catch up on my bills and have money to pay for the things my children need. I don’t have time for any kind of drama. I don’t want to listen to anyone bitching about their problems. I’ve got my own I’m trying to deal with.

The counselor I alluded to earlier told me that I was in survival mode when I confessed that I’d run out of empathy. My coworker is having similar problems with her 4-year-old. Unfortunately, I can’t muster up a shred of empathy for her. I just don’t give a shit. A part of me knows there’s something wrong with that. Unfortunately, I don’t give a shit.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m tired of politics. I’m tired of listening to Trump spewing his idiotic rhetoric. I’m tired of his whining. I’m tired of the lies foaming from his orange mouth. I’m also tired of Hillary spewing her bullshit and acting like she’s got the interests of the regular American at heart. I can’t stand that she keeps bringing up Russia every time someone confronts her about the WikiLeaks emails instead of directly answering the questions. I don’t trust either one of those fools and I feel like no matter who wins we’re fucked. It’s an indictment of our democracy that these are the best two candidates our government could put forth.

If we were having coffee I’d tell you that I’m fed up with all the clowns indignant because of NFL players kneeling during the anthem. The National Anthem and the American flag represent more than just our military. They represent our entire nation. Anyone who is confused by this doesn’t understand what the flag stands for. Colin Kaepernick and the other NFL players taking a knee during the anthem are absolutely NOT disrespecting the military. They are simply trying to bring attention to the fact that an inordinate number of minorities are being slain by white police officers. That’s it. They are upset that veterans of our military aren’t getting the medical care they need after sacrificing their lives and bodies for their nation. They are upset that “liberty and justice for all” isn’t actually for all. I get that people are tuning into football to escape the shittiness of reality, but that doesn’t change the fact that their message needs to be heard and acknowledged. This is not a nation I’m proud of. Yes, it’s a better place to live than most, but let’s not act like it’s perfect. We are flawed. Not all men (or women) are treated equally. This is NOT the land of the free.

If we were having coffee I’d apologize for going on for so long, but explain that I’ve got a lot on my plate. I’d then open my ears to listen to anything you have to say. After all is said and done, I’d probably give you a hug and apologize for being so distant. I don’t mean to be, but that’s just how I feel. I’d tell you I hope you’re all doing well and that things are looking up for you. Then I’d go crawl back inside the hole I’ve been hiding in.

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About Twindaddy (328 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

42 Comments on Runaway Train

  1. If we were having coffee, I’d give you a big hug and tell you that you will get through it.

    My Jacob is ADHD. And we have tried a few different medicines. It took time to find the right one, but we did. We did. It isn’t always easy to know, either. because sometimes the wrong one seems right for a little while.

    It seems like folks don’t understand. But some do. Some do. And some will help you. You can always email me if you want. I’m a ways away from a 5 year old, but I do have a 25 year old. And you know what? He is gainfully employed in a competitive field. He will have a good life (which was my biggest fear for him when he was little — what is to become of him????)

    Oh, I’m ADD, too (undiagnosed). It’s do-able.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Finding Ninee // October 29, 2016 at 9:09 pm // Reply

    UGH I’m so so sorry and I honestly believe he’ll be okay… I have to because of my kid maybe? Still sucks. Sucks sucks. And so many hours at work sucks and I hope you’re feeling better or do soon or at least find the recipe that helps the very most. xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • In the end he probably will be okay. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do. I mean, there was one time last week he kicked a boy at school, but by the time he got home and I tried to talk to him about it he didn’t even remember doing it. I just don’t know how to work with that. It’s those moments that stress me out.

      Like

  3. It’s been awhile since I’ve last read your posts and I remember you talking about Baby C and such – even if I’m not fully aware of what’s been happening, I just want to say thank you for ending that coffee chat by giving place to opening yourself up, even ever so briefly to hear another person, and then feel free to recuperate from the real world inside the rabbit hole. I enjoy it on most days too

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Scott – stop worrying about elections and other bullshit. That’s irrelevant. Focus on your son. Get his meds right, because for ADHD, there’s a spectrum of them, I know this. The main thing you need to do is this: love that boy, unconditionally.

    You’re a great dad, Scott. I know because of your “work response.” Keep it up, keep what’s important in front of you, and please don’t get discouraged. Believe in you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do love him unconditionally. More so than he’ll probably ever know.

      As for the election, it’s hard not to worry about that. Whatever happens it’s going to affect me.

      Like

  5. Mmm, soco and coke. Can I have a glass too?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. (hugs). It’s good that you have a school counselor who can help you figure out little C’s problem. (hugs) hang in there.

    Like

  7. If we were having coffee I would tell you that I think we have the same child. Mine, at 21, still wears that crown and guess what? He rocks it! He’s not afraid to speak his mind like his peers. He’s working a construction job, attending classes at a University and he’s a full-time student at a Community College this semester. He’s never been a traditional learner, and that is a GREAT thing. He refused to take the medication at 8, 12, 15 & 17, therefor I attended endless teacher meetings and he failed conduct throughout most of his education. There is not a doubt in my mind that Baby C will also rock his crown!!
    I would also tell you that you’ve been on my mind lately. This is where I would probably start crying … again … as I told you how my husband attempted suicide a few weeks ago. (Never saw it coming) How I kept thinking about the words you have written on this subject. How I know you would understand how I’m feeling. How I would feel better after you reassured me.
    After all that we would go shopping for a nice cape to go with that crown for Baby C and maybe grab one for ourselves.

    ((HUGS)) to you ❤

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    • I had no idea, Lisa. I’m so sorry. Is your husband being treated? I hope everything is okay now.

      Baby C will get it. I know he will. Right now he just doesn’t think before he acts. Once we can get to that point I’m sure he’ll be fine. Getting there is the thing I’m trying to figure out right now.

      Like

  8. Sorry about your problems. We all have them. You do have empathy, only it anger. Unfortunately, we can’t solve all the problems as we can’t please everyone. by an action. Have a pleasant week.

    Like

  9. I hesitated hitting the “Like” button because I don’t “like” what you are going through or your heartbreaking post. But I wanted you to know more than “just stopping by” also. I know life is very difficult right now and it is hard to give anyone anything.. empathy or otherwise when your tanks are as empty as yours are. I do pray you get through this and you are stronger on the other side. You are a good dad and you are tuned in to what Baby C needs and you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him be successful. This too shall pass.. not a cliche’ but a fact. No matter what is going on right now it will come to an end and another adventure will begin. I will be praying for you Scott… {{HUGS}} ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. If we were having coffee I would hug you and tell you that, although I cannot comprehend what you are going through, I will always be here if you need to vent. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. If we were having coffee, I’d make an extra pot and bake some cookies to go with it. Hang in there, TD…you’re making it the best you can and your boys are lucky to have you in their corner.

    Like

  12. I get the survival mode. You are being a great dad and I’m proud of you. I hope you find rest and some peace soon. Love always, Angie

    Like

  13. If we were having coffee together, I’d put down my tea and offer you a cookie. I wish you the best, and may you exit survival mode sooner rather than later.

    Like

  14. If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that it’s been a hell of a year, 2016. I hardly talked to anyone outside of my immediate family, let alone took the time to blog or write, or keep in touch. You sound like you are spread so thin, like butter over too much bread, to quote a certain Hobbit. I sympathize with your ADHD issues. My daughter doesn’t have the behavioural issues, but she is very behind with her reading skills — her non-existent reading skills — and she’s 6. I’m pulling out my hair trying to teach her to read, but she just won’t focus, loses interest quickly.
    Anyway, dude… I was really glad to see that you still have the blog going and using it as a good place to vent and to talk about mental health issues. See you in the blogosphere.

    Like

    • Wow. So I’m just now seeing this. Shit.

      I spent most of 2016 much like you did. And come to think of it, most of 2017 so far, too, because people suck.

      As far your daughter, I’m not sure what to say about that. I can say that since I’ve written this post C has started a new medication and it is helping, though we just recently had to up the dose.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It was weird, 2016. After writing how many fucking books, and yet in 2016 I wrote NOTHING. HA!
        Well, 2017 is starting to look better. Sort of. Have a job interview tomorrow that might change everything for the better. And I’m picking up the third Jessica book again, hope to have that done by the summer. And then CHUK will see the light of day finally later this year. (BTW, if you haven’t read Thirty-Seven yet, you’ll want to. It’s not a prequel or sequel to CHUK, per se, but it’s definitely set in the same universe.)
        Glad to hear the meds are working for your son. Fiona’s mum is hesitant about the meds because of her own experience with them, and she keeps telling me to be patient, so I’m trying. She’s a good kid, I’m not really having the behavioural issues with her anymore, and she’s starting to get her letters and numbers a little more every day.
        Don’t be a stranger, dude. I think you and Matt B. are the only two guy friends I have online!

        Like

        • Hopefully the interview went great! And I’m glad CHUK is going to make it out finally. That’s one of my faves. Also, I must have been really out of it because I’d not even heard of Thirty-Seven. Is it on Amazon?

          The meds do appear to be helping him. I do understand where Fiona’s mum is coming from. The last thing I wanted to do was put my little boy on medication, but he was just getting into too much trouble.

          I’m trying not to be a stranger, but I get overwhelmed easily, ya know? So with all the stuff with C, working two jobs (not anymore, but for a while), and trying to focus on guiding the twins through their final years of high school, I haven’t had much time or energy to focus on anything else.

          Like

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