I Shouldn’t Have Laughed…

Well, well. Take a look at this place. It’s in such a state of disrepair. The banners haven’t been updated in a couple of years. Well, I just looked again and apparently it’s been three years. Wow. I should probably do some house-keeping ’round here.

Anyhow, I just dropped by because I felt like sharing some hilarious news. I figured with all the doom and gloom (and idiocy) of the Trump White House (Hey, is that Sean Spicer hiding in my bushes?) we could all use a good laugh. Even though we’ll be laughing at something we probably shouldn’t be laughing at.

We all know that the only dude to ever walk on water was Jesus, right?

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No, Zod doesn’t count.

Well, a clergyman in Zimbabwe decided to reproduce Jesus’ miraculous feat and show the awesome power of God to his faithful.

No chance of anything going wrong here, I’m sure.

The pastor, Jonathan Mthethwa, led his congregation to Crocodile River (spoiler alert!) where he proceeded to wade about 30 meters out into the water. Just after promising the gathering that he was about to rise above the water, he was mercilessly ripped to shreds by three extremely famished crocodiles.

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Now, I know I shouldn’t be laughing at this. A man lost his life. Nevertheless, I cannot stop laughing. I mean, what the hell did this guy expect to happen? If you stick a paper clip in an electrical outlet you’re going to get shocked no matter how strong your faith may be.

First of all, I’m sure it’s not called Crocodile River because it’s filled with tears of the broken-hearted. If you’re going to wade into crocodile infested waters, you should be prepared to forfeit your life. Or at the very least a limb.

Secondly, what did this dude plan on saying when he didn’t actually rise above the water? Was he going to insult their faith? Tell them if they had prayed harder he could have pulled it off? Yeah, Jesus walked on water, but he also had the divine powers that come with, you know, being the son of God. This guy was just a tool, obviously.

What’s worse is the congregation left in his wake. They just couldn’t fathom where it all went so awfully wrong. “We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week.” Yeah, and I gave that Nigerian prince my bank account information and I’m still waiting on the deposit. I just don’t get it…

If you read this story and didn’t laugh a bit, congratulations, you’re a much better person than I. Of course, that isn’t much of a reason to pat yourself on the back. However, I think we can all take away one important lesson here, and that is…

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Even God can’t fix stupid.

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About Twindaddy (336 Articles)
Sometimes funny. Sometimes serious. Always genuine.

27 Comments on I Shouldn’t Have Laughed…

  1. Nope. You can’t fix stupid. And I’ve always thought of the walking on water as more of a metaphor. Even if not, I’m pretty sure there were no crocs.

    Good to see you writing.

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  2. No, God can’t fix stupid. But God did create it. And if he created it to be unfixable, who am I to say otherwise?

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  3. Finding Ninee // May 15, 2017 at 8:47 pm // Reply

    I was totally planning on coming by and saying “Hi Scott. My name is Kristi and I have no idea how I got here” but OMG yeah, God can’t fix stupid. Seriously????? Yikes. Also crocodiles *shudder.*

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  4. Well, i guess that’s one piece of normal news from Africa. I always shake my head at these religious types. At least this dude did not try to swindle his entire congregation out of their livelihood. Honesty, you’d be surprised at how often that kind of thing makes the news.

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  5. Hehehehe oh DEAR a lot!!!

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  6. “First of all, I’m sure it’s not called Crocodile River because it’s filled with tears of the broken-hearted. ” HILARIOUS!
    Even if this was a hoax we both know that there is, in fact, someone out there willing to be this level of an ass.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. dude! So happy to see you cross the timeline here!
    As for Crocodile Dundee there – well, I guess he showed that faith can move mountains but you gotta bring your CAT digger and some well oiled machines to do that stuff. Walk on water? Sure, if you mean jetskiing. As mentioned – Darwinism alive and strong.
    Cheers
    Paul

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    • What’s up, Paul?! I’m sure his next trick will be to come back to life three days after the crocodiles ate him. Of course, he’ll have to reassemble himself…

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  8. Hahaha what a great laugh, thanks for more writing!

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