O’er the horizon the sun rises from sleep
Seconds turn to minutes with nary a peep
Everything is changing before your very eyes
You can lose it all before you realize
Time is a foe you will never defeat
So savor it all, both sour and sweet
Time marches on, despite our desire
One day we’ll all burn on a pyre
Time has been on my mind lately. Mostly, I’ve been wondering where the hell it’s gone. Why does it seems like every day crawls by, but when I look back it feels like everything leading up to now has come at 88mph?
Baby C just finished his first year of school. It was a bumpy ride, but we got through it. With the help of some incredible teachers and a little medication, C has made a lot of progress these last few months. He’s now on his way to first grade, and I’m left in the wake of this past year wondering how it all happened so damned fast.
The twins just finished their junior year of high school, and are entering the home stretch of their public education experience. Baby A finally got his driving permit last week (and did his best to break my neck with the brake pedal). I anticipate Baby B will have his this coming week. Both boys are working with me again this summer.
We frequently have conversations about what they are planning after high school. I want them both to have some sort of schooling, whether it’s college or a trade school. It’s almost impossible to find a decent job without some sort of specialized skill anymore and I don’t want them to wait until they’re 30 to realize, like I did, that you’re fucked without one.
If I’m befuddled when wondering where the time has gone with C, I’m positively bamboozled when attempting to ascertain where it has gone with the twins. They will be 18 in 6 short months. I can’t fathom how we’ve gotten here. Worse, I can’t remember how we’ve gotten here. I can’t remember them as babies. I remember specific instances, but I can’t remember things like their laugh, or what their voices sounded like. I didn’t have a camcorder until they were six and smartphones weren’t around until they were 9. Sure I have pictures of them, but pictures don’t help me relive the whole experience. It saddens me.
Time has hit me with a whopper today, and not the kind from Burger King. Though that would have ruled (no onions, please). Today marks the 40th year I’ve been alive on this spinning ball of asshattery. I see it in the streaks of gray in my goatee. I see it in the small wrinkles that have formed around my eyes. I see it in the wild hairs sticking way out of my eye brows. I feel it when I rise from a kneeling position. I feel it when I get out of bed in the morning. I realize it when I’m driving at night and can’t see like I used to. I realize it when I can no longer sleep through the night without waking up at least once to pee.
So evidently this means I’m over the hill. At least, that’s what my dad says. Frankly, I can’t figure out how I got over a hill I never wanted to be on in the first place. I’m too old to be climbing hills anyhow.
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
-In The End- Linkin Park
Every tick of the clock strikes like thunder now, a constant reminder that my remaining time is ever finite. Every second brings me closer to the possible health problems woven into my genes by my mother. Every day I wake is another small victory against the demons who haunt me. And a chance to drink another cup of coffeh. (<–Spellcheck still tells me this is a typo. Silly WordPress…)
So this is 40. I’m here now no matter how much it pains me to admit. I’ll make the best of it, I suppose, but I already know it’s going to be an anxiety-filled year with the twins turning 18 in December and then graduating in June.
We’ll see how I do.