It’s been awhile since I posted anything. I happen to have a few moments and an urge to quell my boredom, so I decided to submit myself to one of those inane internet interrogations known as surveys. Let’s see what happens, shall we?

How often do you bathe or shower?

Daily. The thought of being unclean leaves me feeling dirty.

If you were an underwater creature, which creature would it be?

Aquaman? I don’t know. Nothing under water seems that interesting to me.

Do you appreciate when people only move with meaning?

As a general rule, I don’t appreciate people at all. I was in Wal-Mart tonight it only confirmed that people are freakin’ retarded and I’m justified in my loathing of them.

What are you passionate about?

Being a father. That’s about it. Oh, and coffee. I’m very passionate about drinking coffee.

How did you fall into that line of thinking?

Hell if I know. If I were watching where I was going I wouldn’t have tripped into anything, let alone a line of thinking.

What do you think of relationships, platonic, sexual, and otherwise?

Relationships are freakin’ hard. It’s perpetual consideration of another’s feelings. There are expectations. It’s depending on others. It’s others depending on you. It’s trusting another. It’s earning another’s trust. It’ s give. It’s take. It’s yin. It’s yang. It’s black. It’s white. It’s magic when it works. It’s heartbreak when it doesn’t. It’s all decided by some deity unknown by any documented religion. A good relationship is like winning the lottery. A strained relationship is like another bill in the mail. Or an ulcer.  They are something I generally avoid because I don’t handle drama well and almost every relationship I’ve been involved in has gone up in flames.

What are your thoughts on familial and platonic relationships?

Um, I pretty much just answered this question. My familial relationships are complex. I definitely love my family, because, well, they’re my family. However, I don’t always like them. Except for my kids, of course. I always like them, even when they’re driving me into a bottle.

Who were you with yesterday?

Well, I took the day off. Got a couple of things done. Took the kids to the park. A pretty mundane day, overall. So mundane, in fact, that I can think of no witty answers to put here.

What woke you up this morning?

My bladder. He and I need to have a serious heart to, um, heart (or something). I’m tired of getting up multiple times in the night to pee.

Where are you?

I’m right here. Can’t you see me? Where are you?

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

Who knows? If I could see into the future I’d have won the lottery by now.

Do you like anybody?

Very few people. Most people annoy me. That probably says more about me than it does others, but I can’t help that most people are stupid and that I can’t stand it.

Ever thrown up in public?

Does school count as “public”? I think that’s probably the only place I ever got sick and I wasn’t at home. When I was a kid I was one of those people who got sick when I saw vomit. Then I became a father…

Passed out because of alcohol?

Well, sure. Who hasn’t? I love The Hangover.

What’s on your mind RIGHT NOW?

The Wolf Pack.

What kind of home would you like?

A clean one that doesn’t deserve to be condemned.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I don’t wanna grow up. It’s a trap.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Probably in a mirror since that’s the only place I ever seem to see myself.

Do you like candy necklaces?

Let’s be honest. If I have candy I’m not going to put it around my neck. It’s going down my throat.

Do you listen to music every day?

Of course I do. It’s one of my addictions.

Do you still go trick or treating?

I have a seven year old. What do you think?

What was the last thing you ate?

A bowl full of….chili. Spicy.

Are you a fast typer?

I’m a pretty decent typist, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m not sure what a typer is.

Whats your favorite type of soda?

Whichever one has Southern Comfort in it.

Have you ever moved?

I’ve moved more times than an Alaskan nomad.

Have you ever won an award?

Do participation trophies count? Seriously, though, I’m sure I have, but I can’t remember what for.

Are you listening to music right now?

Nope. I find that if I have music on I tend to focus on it instead of what I’m writing, so instead I’m listening to the drone of a fan as it blows cool air across the room.

How long ’till your birthday?

Not long enough. I don’t want to get any older…

When were you the saddest in your whole life?

I couldn’t narrow down one day as the saddest day of my life. But the one place I’ve been on every sad day of my life is trapped in my head with my own self-destructive thoughts. 

Did you get this quiz from ?

Hell if I know. I’ve had these questions stashed for a rainy day. Of course, it’s not raining currently so there will probably be a penalty for withdrawing them prematurely…

What time is it?

Time to become self-sufficient and learn how to tell time yourself, ya bum.

Do you use ebay to buy or sell?

I buy items from eBay occasionally. Selling is too much of a hassle for me. I don’t have the patience for it so I just set things out on the curb and people just stop and pick them up in the middle of the night.

Who makes you mad?

Who doesn’t? I’m very disagreeable.

Have you ever heard a song written about you?

God I hope not. There are much better things to write about than I….like crying in a beer or something.

What do you do when you’re mad?

It depends. Sometimes I drink. Sometimes I go for a walk/run. It depends on how mad I am and who’s around.

What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?

Something I’m not proud of at all and still not ready to share.

Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?

Well, yeah. Haven’t we all? And then once we’re calm we feel like shit about it? Well, that’s how it goes for me, at least.

Do you swear when you’re mad?

I swear when I’m angry/sad/happy/drunk/sober/asleep/bored/stupefied/bemused/other.

When was the last time you actually cried?

When I was on my way to pick up my mom from the hospital a few months ago to transport her to a nursing facility. C got hurt at school and needed to go to the ER, but my mom needed to be moved, too, so I called his mom and told her she needed to get him there. I felt horrible that I couldn’t be there for my son and beat myself up about it for a good two or three days afterward.

Ever cried yourself to sleep?

Cried. Drank. It’s all the same, yes?

Do certain songs make you cry?

Not normally. However, if I’m in a depressive mood a certain song can, and has, pulled on my feels and spilled some tears.

What usually makes you cry?

What’s with all the crying??? Can’t we talk about something happy? Or at least something that’s not sad? Like french fries. We all like french fries, right?

Are you usually a happy person?

Nah. I’m not really happy or sad. I’m just kind of indifferent. 

What makes you the happiest?

Winning the lottery? At least, I’m guessing that it would. I’ll let you know for sure if/when I do.

Do you believe in yourself?

Well, no. As often as I lie to myself I just don’t trust myself. Would you believe me?

Do you feel like answering mindless questions? Are you bored like I am? Are you, too, wondering how to make it to the end of the day? Taking this survey won’t make you feel better about yourself, but it will get you closer to the end of the day.